Discussing relationship problems outside of the relationship

[Patrick717]

My wife and I (of 12 years) are having some problems in our relationship. I have posted about some of them on this board. One of those problems is I am hearing A LOT about our issues from other people, all women, who I think have ZERO business hearing about our issues. My wife admitted to me that she has discussed at least some of our issues with her therapist and two women friends. One is someone she works with who has very little contact with me or our mutual friends. I have no problem with that one. The other is a close friend of both of us who recently moved away. I'm less comfortable with that one, but if she needed to talk to somebody that friend one I consider a good one to talk to. And her therapist should be EXACTLY where these things are discussed. So far so good.

The problem is I have overheard a conversation she had with a different mutual friend. This friend seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. If a thought pops into her head it pops right out of her mouth - and usually at a very inappropriate time / place. She is inteligent but doesn't seem to recognize anything is or should be private. And I walked up to hear this person replying back to my wife "maybe at his age sex isn't important anymore". Yes, that is a quote. And I recognize that my name wasn't used so it COULD have been in reference to someone else. But since I had recently stopped pursuing sex with my wife (see other posts), I would bet money it was about me. Since then I have heard and seen others change their behaviour around me like they have been part of similar discussions.

I worked in an area where I watched some intelligence gathering activities. I started using some of those techniques. It is easy enough to be quiet and listen to what is being said by who. When you think you find a pattern, a phrase, etc. that keeps popping up, you can start to guess at who is talking to who about certain issues. Then you can 'inject a signal' (put certain info out there) and wait to see where it pops back up. I can identify who is getting the information quite easily. What I can't identify is how many people the info has passed though before I heard the 'ring around'. I can identify most of my/our women friends had been discussing it based on what they said around me.

Many years ago and more recently I discussed with my current wife how I felt about my ex-wife (7 year marriage over 25 years ago) discussing our issues with anyone and everyone. And I pointed out that I make a point of not discussing such things with anyone except under specific conditions. One of those conditions is I trust that the discussion with NEVER go anywhere else. That alone eliminates most people and especially women from me discussing personal issues with them. The second condition is I have some point to discussing it at all. By 'point' I mean there will be some improvement or some resolution come from the discussion. If there is no point other than to 'make myself feel better about it by talking about it' - that issue never gets discussed. If it needs to be discussed 'just to discuss it' - that is what a therapist is for. Therapist are sworn to secrecy where is friends like to discuss romours they have heard.

Some advice to others who may want to use the 'ring around' similar techniques. The better you know the people around you the easier it will be. It also helps if they are comfortable talking to you and around you. It also helps to act like you can't hear all that well by not responding to some comments when you are actually listening and processing information. When you 'inject a signal', chose that information very carefully. It has to be unique enough that it didn't get made up elsewhere. And it has to be something that most people would think you would want it kept private. If they throw that info around just everywhere it doesn't help your cause. Last, don't react to hearing the ring around until you are sure you have all the feedback you need from it. If you react too early, you will shut off all additional feedback.

[Scott Haltzman]

Patrick, you offer some interesting advice on "information gathering." Haven't heard it before, but makes sense.
I addressed the issue of sharing "Intimate information" on my Facebook page today and yesterday. Yours is a timely topic. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-Scott-Haltzman-Author-and-Speaker/137533196277770?ref=sgm

It sounds like your standards for reasonable sharing and your wife's standards are different. But you really don't have control over whom she shares with and how. Ultimately, her recognition of a "problem" and efforts to seek a "solution" are a good thing. Having read your other posts, let me ask: how can you capitalize on your wife's desire to recapture an active sex life with you?

[Patrick717]

Having read your other posts, let me ask: how can you capitalize on your wife's desire to recapture an active sex life with you?

Wow - you think my wife has a new found desire for an active sex life? I am about to give up.

[Patrick717]

So here are some steps I have already taken.

- Found and started seeing a therapist about my understanding of the situation and how to better deal with it. I have been twice so far and have a 3rd visit scheduled. I have taken your book in and pointed out some of the parts that I think are very relevant to me - such as men in therapy.

- Ordered and have been reading a bunch of books that should improve my understanding of the situation. Your book - Secrets of Happily Married Men. The Sex Starved Marriage. The Manual - What Women Want and How to Give It to Them. Hold on to Your NUTs. These are the ones I have read at this point. I am currently reading Sexual Healing and finding it helpful. I also ordered a number of other books that I haven't read yet - Instant Orgasm, I Love Female Orgasm, Slow Sex, Passionate Marriage, Resurecting Sex, Romancing the Woman You Love, etc.

- As I started reading these books, it at least started a discussion. Having these books piled next to the bed so they were clearly on my 'reading list' caught her attention. That discussion was probably the most productive we have had in a long time.

I had a few other steps planned but have decided to back away from those for the moment. I want to see what develops from the items listed above before pushing in new directions.