My Anger is hurting my wife

My Anger is hurting my wife

Postby dissipator16 » Sat May 05, 2012 9:35 pm

I have known my wife for about 2 years now, and been married 1.5 years. I truly love her very much. I actually recently got back from overseas after being gone a year. My anger problem was around before i deployed and blew out of proportion while i was over seas.

We were both previously married. Her X has never been an issue, and neither has mine... well sort of . In my mind, my X is a big issue of how i act towards my wife. Which is just wrong. When i was with my X, i never once cared or looked at facebook, or what happened at her work or anything. i was never jealous. And she ended up leaving me because ( as she later told me while divorce was still going).... she thought i had been cheating on her for years. And she ended up at least dating someone from her work who i had actually met many times while meeting her at work.

Needless to say, i have trust issues with women. in everything from facebook to who she is around.

I have never cheated on anyone, but regardless i am 100% in love and couldnt be happier with my wife now. truly. i just need to fix my own issues.

SO, now with my wife, she honestly gives me no reason at all to think anything of her but the best, but i unfortunately treat her like she is my X alot with my anger towards how i think she is acting, versus she is just being a good all around woman.

I have been pretty good since i have been back for a month....at controlling myself and keeping her happy. but today i lost it.

one of her friends husbands is a big POS to her friend. crappy husband and father..... so instantly i dont like the guy. walking back to our car from my daughters baseball game, my wife was just shooting the shit with him like he was anyone else.

of course nothing wrong with that. But in my mind, i couldnt see why she would keep beeing nice to that bad of dirt. either wayi got mad at her for it and we argued via text(cause daughter was in car) and i ended up getting angry and just saying mean things, just to be mean.

i absolutely let my anger get ahold of me.

i could not regret something more. to me words just rolls off and go away, but my wife remembers everything. and i dont blame her

i do try and i do love her, but i WILL fix myself and how i treat her. she is the only person i am like this too, and it is because i am soo comfortable with her i think. but it is soo wrong.

i am truly going to start counting backwards from 10 in order to help give me a chance to calm down.

i have never been soo ashamed of anything in my life.
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Re: My Anger is hurting my wife

Postby melsilva » Fri Nov 23, 2012 8:39 pm

As I understand, you have been finding it difficult to control your aggression since you have come back home after being deployed. While walking back to your car with your wife after your daughter’s baseball game, you became irritated at your wife for speaking so casually and “nicely” to a man whom you do not like. In response, you became angry at your wife and began saying things to her “just to be mean” and you are now ashamed of yourself.

According to my Social Psychology Professor Dr. Misiurski, you are exhibiting “Instrumental Aggression”. This type of aggression, says my professor, “stems from anger and its only goal is to injure.” One common theory as to why you may be experiencing these outbursts of verbal aggression is that you have a larger than average amount of testosterone which is your male sex hormone and is often associated with male aggression according to my professor.

This theory of aggression, being Instrumental Aggression, applies to you. I say this because during this situation with your wife, you expressed that you “ended up getting angry and just saying mean things, just to be mean.” As explained above, this is a perfect example of Instrumental Aggression because your aggressive outburst stemmed from a situation which made you angry, and so you expressed your anger with the goal being to verbally hurt your wife.

In your post you said that you are willing to “fix” yourself. You even made a self-suggestion of counting backwards from ten to help calm yourself when you feel yourself becoming angry. This is a very good suggestion and I hope that you follow it. Another suggestion that I would like to make is reducing the aversive stimulation that triggers your aggression. For example, it may have been helpful if you had walked away a little quicker to your car, or engaged yourself in conversation with your daughter, so that you would either not hear the way your wife was talking with this man, or you would have at least not been focused on it. By avoiding things and situations that trigger your aggression, you should be able to prevent many of these angry outbursts.
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Re: My Anger is hurting my wife

Postby Shanay1185 » Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:41 am

As I see it, you love your wife very much, however, issues from a past relationship are effecting how you treat her. Does she feel that your anger is a problem? Does she know that you believe it stems from problems with your ex-wife? Or maybe your anger stems from being deployed? Many people who have been cheated on, lied to, and mislead can put up a wall to new relationships.
You are showing signs of aggression. Dr. Misiurski Sys aggression is “physical or verbal behavior intended to cause harm.” In your case, you are exhibiting this in your text messages and in your hurtful words that you are expressing to your wife. This sort of aggression is better known as instrumental aggression. Better seen through bullies on a playground through verbal or physical abuse.
You may act this way to your wife to show her that you are in charge and that you are not going to get hurt again. However, hurting her in the process. You were the victim in your last relationship and now you are playing the role of the “bully.” You may not be physically harming her, but mentally you are taking your aggression out on her. You were angry at that man for treating her friend badly, but instead you caused a fight between you and your wife over it. Aggression can also be genetic. You may think it is caused by the emotional stress of your last relationship, which is possible. Another theory is that it has always been in you since you were a child, and is now coming out in your relationship.
Dr.. Haltzman says to “expect conflict and learn to deal with it. Conflict is a part of marriage. There are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight. It’s okay to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and emotional withdrawal.” You are going to fight, you are going to disagree, but talk about it, don’t jusp to harsh words and an over-the-top angry defensive argument. Being mean to your wife is going to cause further arguments in the long run. Children become less aggressive when their behavior is ignored. Maybe if your wife ignored your behavior it wouldn’t be as satisfying to you to yell at her or say mean things to her. If you want to change you can change, you just need where your aggression is coming from, whether it be genetic, from your past relationship, or from your deploylment.
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Re: My Anger is hurting my wife

Postby bbotelho94 » Sat Dec 01, 2012 4:49 pm

It may be difficult to branch out to a new relationship after having a not so good first relationship, am i correct? You try your hardest to control your anger but if your wife does anything that will make you angry you will lash out. You say you cant control it because of the past, have you thought about communicating with your wife? So, you see your wife talking to a gentleman who in yours eyes is "a dirt bag" a man from your daughters baseball game. Your wife seems to be doing nothing wrong but you had such a bad memory of the past and trust issues on top of it all you get into the car and start taking out your anger on your innocent wife. You begin by texting your anger to her because your daughter is in the car, but you get so angry you yell and yell and your wife has had it.

This aggression you are showing is not biological. Some bipolar disorders are a form of mood swings. According to Dr. Misuirski, my psychology professor, Bipolar disorder is "mood level swings from severe depression to extreme euphoria" The symptoms include," supreme self-confidence, grandiose ideas, flight of ideas." Some what like bipolar disorder Dr. Misuirski says, Cyclothymic disorder is " a mood disorder characterized by moderate but frequent mood swings that are not severe enough to qualify as bipolar disorder." Sufferers are often percieved as moody, inconsistant, and unpredictable. I am no doctor but I was completely informed about these disorders and they seem to fit your mood swings.

The continuos mood swings and aggression towards your wife is because of your past. It is not fair or exceptable to your wife if you don't solve the problem. Bipolar disorder is no joke and something to be taken seriously. You may need medication because it may develop into abuse later on in life and another relationship gradually torn apart because of the behaivor and aggression you show toward your wife. I know you said you only lash out on your wife but you may also begin to lash out on others if this matter is not taken seriously.

To fix your aggression toward your wife i would advice you to go to your primary doctor and figure out what you can do to prevent the anger toward your wife. I would also advice you to work on this yourself as well because only you can prevent the yelling unless on medication. You will always find something wrong with your relationship because you do have trust issues that have nothing to do with you and your wives relationship. If you want a strong relationship to continue with your wife i would get professional help or see a therapist to control your anger and aggression cause it may progress to worse anger.
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Re: My Anger is hurting my wife

Postby dmd12345 » Mon Dec 03, 2012 10:32 pm

The problem that you are having is that you are letting your anger get the better of you. I understand that you have been deployed for over a year and I believe that you probably developed your anger problem after your “X” left you. Now you are afraid to fully trust anyone because of that one incident. I get that it is very hard to be oversees and to trust your wife but you need to learn to listen to your wife. Anger should not completely take over your life and it looks like in your case it did.

In my psychology class I learned that the Amygdala controls your emotional responses.”The Amygdala is an almond-shaped cluster of neurons in the brain’s temporal lobe which involved in memory and emotional responses and especially with fear”. My interpretation of this quote is when you are afraid you have worried thoughts and behaviors to avoid a certain situation that made you afraid. I believe your Amygdala is having problems with the fear and emotion of your wife cheating on you.

Your ex cheated on you with a friend from work so you are scared that your wife is going to find someone better. For example, the day at your daughter’s game your wife was talking to a friend of hers. However, in you’re mind you wife was planning on cheating on you with that man. The reason you are thinking like this is because of your first “X” and the aftermath of her. I also believes by being oversees made your anger worst for following reason- 1) You are unable to see your wife on a daily basic 2) You will need to trust you wife better(trusting you wife you have problems with).

I am going to offer some of my advice to fix your anger problem. The first thing you should do is take your wife to see marriage counseling. The reason is because you need to sit down and talk about the problem you are having. Your wife may not be aware of your trust issues with women. So, by seeing a marriage counselor you can put everything on the table. Hopefully, after the session you and your wife can come up with ways to trust each other better. The second thing is that you may need to see a doctor. The reason is because you said your anger problem became worst after the war. By saying that statement you might have a disorder from the war like PTSD. Again you do not have to take my advice I am just trying to help you fix your anger problems.
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