Wife is asking for space

Wife is asking for space

Postby tsf1 » Mon Dec 17, 2012 10:44 am

My wife is asking for space, not to move out or anything, just to give her space during the day. This is very hard for me to understand, when things get rough I just want to be close to her. She is saying for now we need to focus on the family, we have small children, and not just us. She does still love me, and I believe that. But I want to talk through things, and this have never been her style.

She always seems so happy talking to others and then I come into the conversation and she either walks away of get very irritated. I do not know what to do. Am very scared and feeling helpless.
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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:48 pm

There are two chapters inthe men's secrets book on communication with your wife.

There is a thread under this category, of Communication titled LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN.

Many women are not good at listening to men's ideas.

You are asking something extra-ordinary from your wife. If you need to talk about yo0ure ideas, problems, philosphies I suggest you find some other outlet, rather than burding your wife with that task.

Conversely, you should be devbelloping the skills of listening to your wife, and finding ways to encourage her to express her ideas.

It is your job to get your wife to vent at least 15 minutes per day. Most wives do not wnat ot hear their huband's ideas on sport, politics religeon, or philosphy.

Who could you find to listen to your ideas? I spend time on forums to think through my ideas, but I pay a steep price if I try expressing my ideas to my wife.

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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Dec 22, 2012 6:14 am

When you express your ideas to your wife, or to her friends, in her presence, it may seem to her that you are asking her to change. Women like to hear compliments. Asking your wife to change may be perceived as criticism. Asking your wife to change, should be done privately, and in a sandwich. First you give hre some comliments, then you tell her what you want her to change, the inside of trhe sandwich, and then you give her some more compliments, the second slice of bread of the sandwich.

Your wife may be perceiving you are asking her to change, because you are using temrs in a different way, regarding the raising of your children. My wife and I always got along better after taking a parenting class. At least we were using the same words for the some concepts. Have you listedned to any tapes on parenting with your wife? What books on parenting do you have on hand?

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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby John Chan » Tue Dec 25, 2012 8:36 pm

You can tell her your feelings sincerely,I think she can understand you.
John Chan
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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby Todd_Hemm » Mon Nov 04, 2013 11:32 am

So, you are having trouble adjusting to space your wife is asking for? No need to be alarmed, sometimes wives and even husbands will get overwhelmed with stress due to work, raising a family and the constant hassle of it all. It seems that your wife just needs time to be with friends or by herself so she can relax and adjust to what life is throwing at her by her own pace. A little bit of alone time each day so she can collect her thoughts, or time spent with her friends to laugh will help a marriage run more smoothly. If she says she still loves you, and the fact you believe it shows that the love is there and that there isn't a need to worry. I know that with relationships I have had in the past, sometimes your significant other could be dealing with a lot of stress, and they don't want to open up about it to you or anyone and just need to figure out their own way to overcome the stress they are handling. Once they figure it out, the relationship gets even better because they knew you were staying by their side even if they had needed the space through it all.

My Psychology professor says a key to maintaining a close relationship is attachment. "Attachment consists of trust and intimacy which is needed in order to maintain a close relationship", so if you trust the fact that your wife still loves you and she tells you she does, she wants to be with you. According to my notes, Robert Stenberg views attraction as a triangle having three sides: Passion (infatuation), commitment, and intimacy (sharing things). If you have these traits in your marriage, it is a sign of true love. Dr. Haltzman says "Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says. 'Make me feel important.' Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life." As long as you still make your wife feel important to you and that she is your "only one", just give her space and in time things will be back to normal.

In your case, the love is still there between you both. There is just a wall of stress your wife has built and needs her space and time to slowly take it down. You both still have a close relationship from the sound of it, the love is still there, you are both supporting your family which is your main focus. With the space she is looking for, spend more time with your children perhaps, and enjoy spending time with them. It will give your wife both the space she is looking for and a break from any stress she might have over trying to do everything for the kids.

If I were in your shoes in this situation, I would do exactly what my wife is asking me to do. I would let her have time alone and with her friends, focus more on the family and spend time with my kids together. Give my wife a break from everything which will cause the amount of space she needs to diminish. Do not try to push yourself closer to your wife when she needs her space. She needs her own personal bubble and at the moment it doesn't have room for two to share. Giving space will go a long way, and in the end it will make you closer then you were before.
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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby curlyhair94 » Tue Nov 19, 2013 11:17 pm

From what I have read, it seems like you are craving closeness with your wife. You often
feel like she is uninterested in talking to you and confiding in you, correct? She says you both
need to focus on your two children, but you also want to focus on each other. It is very normal
to want to feel a close bond with your wife, especially in rough times, but she seems distant.
Has she often felt distant with talking about feelings or just recently? There are certain factors
as to what could be causing her to act this way.

My psychology teacher taught us about attachment. Like an infant with his/her mother,
a wife is more likely to be attached to her husband if he is warm and responsive to her feelings.
Have you always shown warmth and love to her, or just recently when she has started to stop
confiding in you? Not only did my psychology teacher teach us about attachment, but we were
also taught what a woman wants in a husband. Dr. Haltzman teaches that a husband should
make his marriage a full-time job, saying, “You’ll feel more adept at managing marital problems
if you use your work skills: long-range planning, active listening, and considering all options
before action.” Dr. Haltzman also says that a husband should know his wife the best he can. In
Dr. Scott’s words, he should “learn how she views the world, and learn to see things through
her eyes, you’ll understand what actions you must take to affect her in a positive way.”

There are a couple ways you can apply these to your marriage. Ask yourself if you are
viewing your marriage as a full-time job. Are you just showing your emotion and love to your
wife rather than fulfilling your duties as a husband and father? Talk to her about her needs and
what she wants for you to do to make her feel less stressed. When you talk to her and ask her
exactly what she wants, you are able to know what she needs from you and how you can make
her happy. When she is less stressed, she will be able to talk to you and focus on each other’s

To me, it seems like your wife is just stressed and she deals with it differently than you
do. You crave closeness, while she needs space to get things done. If I were you, I would try to
fulfil my duties as a husband and father the best I can while giving her the space she needs.
That being said, it is great that you show you want to talk to her and have her confide in you. If
you take the time to get to know what she needs from you and make marriage your “full-time
job,” I’m sure she will be most responsive to you.
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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby superfreak » Sun Dec 01, 2013 6:46 pm

I can see how your wife may lose interest in talking to you. I feel that the space she needs is maybe because she needs to feel more independent. Women often feel that the can be without their man and be just fine. But in your case, she still wants to be with you just needs some space to live her own life. It may seem she lacks love for you at this moment in time, but women respond to men who can take care of themselves when they are not around. By giving her space and letting her do her own thing, she will soon appreciate how important your being around really is to her.

I learned that women are like dogs, they need love, attention, and to be nurtured in a big way. Sometimes men seem that once they make the relationship “official” that they have the green light to instantly shut down their sensitivity that attracted your loved one in the first place. Showing her those strong and powerful feelings you possessed when you first started dating may be what she desires. Sometimes women need their space because you are not acting as warm and loving as you use to be.

Simply by adding all of the missing pieces to the puzzle will make her want you more than she has ever before. Imagine doing what you did when you first met her? Giving her that warm and fuzzy feeling again so that she knows your still head over heals in love. You can even get your kids involved and focus on them like she said by planning a special family day or trip. Think like you are seventeen again how young boys would do anything to get his crush to like him. Using these tactics not only will benefit you tremendously by surprising your wife, but also by showing her how much you still care.

Distance is never a bad thing. It is simply taking things slower and reevaluating your own life. Doing what your wife asks by focusing on the children and allowing her to have space while you interact with the kids will take a load off her mind. Allow her some space while you take a step back and when she realizes how much you mean to her she will come running back. For now focus on your kids and let your wife have some time without a responsibilities to worry about. Take this time also to reflect on your own life, as your wife will be doing the same. Nobody is perfect, but we can try the best we can and do whatever it takes to achieve happiness.
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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby bc123 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 9:51 pm

After reading your problem it seems evident that the feelings aren't mutual between you and your loved one as of now. Her feelings have altered and something must have triggered her to feel this way. Have you seen a drastic change in her attitude or compassion towards you lately? Was there a fight where harmful words were said? Has she been stressed? Your stating that your wife does not open up to you indicates the lack of listening and communication between the two of you.

Though it may seem like a depressing situation at the moment this could be a better thing for both of you in the long run. My psychology professor stated that “space between two people will make the heart grow fonder”. If she really has feelings for you then the time apart should make her realize all of the good you have brought in to her life. Also Dr. Haltzman says to learn to listen. Have you ever thought the reason she may not want to talk to you is because you don’t listen?

Dr Haltzman explains you have to learn the basics of listening. When she wants to talk, sit quietly without distractions. When she talks, take a few moments and reflect back on what she’s said. Occasionally let her know you heard her. Even though you may know exactly what she’s saying right away, it does not matter. Let her talk, and let her know you are listening. Before offering suggestions to solve the problem, ask her whether she wants advice or whether she just wants you to listen. This could help you understand why she may want the space. You need to let her know you are there for her and acknowledge her feelings. If she does not feel comfortable opening up to you than she never will. Especially when she communicates with others opposed to you may mean there is some sort of resentment towards you. Make her realize that she can trust you. Start by listening to her as well as putting the family first.

It is easy for me to say but the best thing to do is to give her space. If it is meant to be then she will eventually end up back in your arms. Give her time to realize what she has and if her feelings are mutual then she would make the effort to put you back in her life. Lastly you should not just focus on her but the children as well. Most women mean it when they say to focus on the family. If you make it all about her it will get her even more aggravated with you. Show her you love her but most of all show her the things she is asking for from you. Give her time and do not push her away more than she already is. You said “She does still love me, and I believe that.” But now it is time for you to show her you are willing to change. Let her know you are there for her.
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Re: Wife is asking for space

Postby globoy » Thu Dec 05, 2013 7:49 am

After reading the situation your currently in I've noticed, the feelings you obtain towards her are the same since the first day you guys first got married. As for her I'm quite unsure if the her feelings towards you are mutual. Although sometimes space is actually a good thing, allowing her space she will in time realize what your worth is and end up missing you, and re-establishing the love that was once there. My friend actually went through a similar situation, It was just the other way around it was the male asking his spouse for space. A couple of weeks went by and he caught himself missing her on a random day hanging out with the guys. He claims the wife allowing him to have some space was the best thing because it rein-acted the feelings he once had for her.

My psychology teacher taught us attachment is a major component in maintain a close relationship. If you are attached to a certain something, in this case each other, you will give it your all to keep your spouse happy. Dr. Haltzman says you have to treat your marriage like a full time job in order for everything to work accordingly, so make sure that your wife is your number one priority and do all the things you did when you first met her before marriage because those sweet things you once did is what made you guys take the next step. My professor also talks about a triangle have three things: passion, intimacy, decision/commitment, allowing your wife to get some space might re spice these three things, allowing the marriage to proceed in the most sufficient way.

You can apply this to your marriage in many ways, first ask yourself what it is you did that caused your wife to ask you for some space. Maybe she just needs a day out with some friends, remember though if she chooses to go out with a friend that's a male, don't flip. As long as the male friend is a friend of the marriage and not just her. Like I said before you have to view your marriage like a full time job, ask her how her day's going, if you see her upset about something make her happy. Know your wife to it's full potential. If you show her you care for her and won't stop the attachment between you guys will re-grow if missing.

If I were in your shoes I would definitely give her some space, because if you don't the marriage might go sideways. Continue being a good husband and taking care of your child, show her that your feelings is still there and that she means a lot to you while allowing her to have her own space. She obviously doesn't want the marriage to end she's just choosing a different way to handle it. The longest marriage lasted 81 years, when they asked the husband what's the key to a strong relationship he replied “always agree to your woman”. Allowing this I'm sure the attachment use once had will come back.
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