After five years

After five years

Postby Hml1985 » Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:58 pm

My husband (we are not legally married but referr to each other as such) told me that he has not fully committed to be because his exwife leaving him 6 years ago hurt so bad that he has never fully let me in because he is scared of the same thig happening again. Before he told me this, he would regularly tell me a lot when I had a problem or feeling he didn't like "there's the door" or "no one is holding a gun to your head", things like that and just dismiss anything I wanted a resolution to.
He has a son with his exwife and I have a daughter with my ex husband. We now have a three year old son together. My daughter is 9 and she lives with us.
He works long hours about half of the week and stays out of town, when he doesn't he usually isn't home until 6 or 7 and has to leave most mornings by 5 am. Although, just about half of every Saturdays and all Sundays he is home.
We argue about stupid stuff. Who will put the kids down, if I don't want to take the kids to the grocery store, things like that. He makes rude comments about other guys, me cheating smartalic stuff. I always recepricate with I have never, I don't even have guy friends, if I wanted my ex I wouldn't have left. And ask him why he says things like that when I give him no reason. He says so he is prepared for it when it does.
When he wants bedroom time... I always fulfill what he wants 9/10 times. Although when I want bedroom time 9/10 times he says he's tired or something. It makes me think he doesn't want me. He doesn't care about what I feel and says I'm wrong to have my feelings hurt or be upset.
The night after he told me about him gettin hurt and not wanting to feel that way again. I had told him I had enough why are you like this. Then we talked some and he acted caring and I actually felt truely loved. But what do I do. He is looking for ways to fix it and says he wants to actually get married and wants to commit but he doesn't know how or something. For about four days things were better he was tying and then it stopped yesterday evening. How do I not feel hurt because he doesn't love me like I love him even if he is trying and how do I help him. How do we not yell or call names when we get mad or blame each other I have read several books and we are just 28 and 29. Please help!!!
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Re: After five years

Postby ThunderHorse » Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:52 am

My WIFE IS HYPER CRITICAL, PLEASE HELP, under communications discuss verbal abuse.

Arguing is a verbally abusive response, to verbal abuse. This is self-perpetuationg. Varbally abusing back, perpetuates more abusive remarks back.

Your behavior can be the Boring Baroque Response, see Suzette Elgin books, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME.

"I understand that you might feel that I am cheating on you, certainly it is difficult to know for sure to keep track of me all the time, but let me assure you that I value your love and respect, and want to express my love by giving you a feeling that I am being faithful to you, so I am letting you know that I am being faithful to you, and have no desires for any other man, so I would like you to trust me, and be comforatable that you can trust me, and I am trying to give you a pleasant household, where you can feel love, etc etc,"

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