Miserable Life

[RedRider72577]

I appreciate the thoughtful responses on this forum.

My wife and I have a son. I am very active in his life. My wife has told me that without our son, our marriage would have been over. There is no communication, companionship, or intimacy. All that is left is commitment. Most days when I get home from work my wife goes upstairs and takes a bath, then goes to bed and watches tv. She is usually asleep by 8:30. She is a good mother and has a good relationship with our son. We spend no time together whatsoever. Date nights have stopped as she has said she would rather not have them. She refuses couples counseling as "there is nothing wrong with her." She has no friends and no hobbies. I go to counseling on my own. My counselor has given up on efforts to restore the relationship. She has concluded that my wife is content the way things are. My counselor has focused her efforts on maintaining my own happiness. I have my hobbies and my son. Nothing can make up for the loneliness I endure however. I am miserable. What do I do?

[helpinghands717]

Hi RedRider72577,

I know that this was posted almost two weeks ago, so I hope that you will see my response. From what I understand, your wife wants distance and seems content this way, but you are hoping to rekindle your once-loving marriage. Your previous efforts to restore the happiness have failed because she does not want to change anything. It sounds to me that she is unwilling to communicate with you in order to even identify the issue. She is in denial, because if you are unhappy, the marriage is unhappy. Have you tried to sit her down in a distraction-free setting and talk to her? Is it possible that she may be going through depression? Often times, people who are depressed will lose interest in activities they once loved (ie. date nights).

My first suggestion to you would be to pick up a copy of both of Dr. Scott's books: Secrets of Happily Married Men and Secrets of Happily Married Women. Request that your wife at least read some of the book, but understand that she may not have any interest in reading it. Consider just buying it and putting it on her bedside table to give her the "hint". In both of these books, Dr. Haltzman outlines the steps that a married man and a married woman need to go through to keep their spouse happy. I would also like to relate this to Sternberg's Theory of Love. This theory states that in order to achieve consummate love (fulfilling, perfect love), a marriage needs intimacy, passion, and commitment.

You have stated in your post that you feel you only have commitment at this point, but yet your wife claims that if you did not have a son, the marriage would be over. The first thing that needs to be restored, above all else, is the intimacy. I don't mean intimacy as in sex - I mean feeling that the two of you are close again. She doesn't want to go on date nights, so how about a stay-in date night? You could order in dinner, pick up a movie she will enjoy at Red Box, and enjoy a night in together this weekend. Hopefully, she will think of it less as a chore than a real date, because you are staying in and she doesn't have to impress anyone. If you are able to do this successfully, tell her at the end of the night what a wonderful time you had (if you really did!) and ask her if she'd like to do it again next weekend. Although this may take time, her refusal for counseling means you have to fix the relationshi without really identifying the problem (which can be hard). Once you two feel much closer (could take one night, could take months), you can attempt to become physical with her. Take this slowly, too. Men underestimate the power of a kiss on the cheek before we fall asleep, or holding our hand when walking through the grocery store. These small actions may open her eyes and allow her to realize why she married you in the first (and second...) place! Finally, you are married, so commitment is "there" but not really there. I know that you want to stay married to her, or you would not have come here for advice. I believe that once the first two points of intimacy and passion are regained, the commitment will come to you both naturally.

I hope that this will help you in your journey with your wife. Best of luck to you both.

[ThunderHorse]

I appreciate the thoughtful responses on this forum.

My wife and I have a son. I am very active in his life. My wife has told me that without our son, our marriage would have been over. There is no communication, companionship, or intimacy. All that is left is commitment. Most days when I get home from work my wife goes upstairs and takes a bath, then goes to bed and watches tv. She is usually asleep by 8:30. She is a good mother and has a good relationship with our son. We spend no time together whatsoever. Date nights have stopped as she has said she would rather not have them. She refuses couples counseling as "there is nothing wrong with her." She has no friends and no hobbies. I go to counseling on my own. My counselor has given up on efforts to restore the relationship. She has concluded that my wife is content the way things are. My counselor has focused her efforts on maintaining my own happiness. I have my hobbies and my son. Nothing can make up for the loneliness I endure however. I am miserable. What do I do?

One of your goals for therapy could be to develop the skills of encouraging your wife to talk about her ideas for 15 minutes a day. See the thread under communications, LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN.

What does your wife like to watch on TV? Could you share that with her?


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[Socpsycbb]

From your post it seem as if you and your wife share nothing but the home you live in. No time is spent continuing your life together especially since date nights have stopped and like you stated, “there is no communication, companionship, or intimacy”. It sounds like you are deeply saddened that your wife is seemingly fine with the way her life is and you have done a lot to try to change things for the better.
Something I’ve learned is about Robert Sternberg’s Theory of Love, which has three components, Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment. When any of these three components are combined you get different types of love, when passion and intimacy are combined the result is Romantic Love, when intimacy and commitment is combined the result is Companionate Love, when commitment and passion are combined the result is Fatuous Love, if all three components are combined the result is Consummate Love. The only component left in your relationship is commitment, which Stenberg describes as experiencing Empty Love. In Dr. Haltzman’s book Secrets of Happily Married Men he makes eight points for men to make their marriage become more successful. One of the points that I think would be especially helpful to you is the eight in which Dr. Haltzman states: “Introduce Yourself
 If you’ve gotten this far, you’re ready to introduce yourself to your wife. Step one: Take a good look at yourself. Are you the kind of guy your wife would want to know? If you are abusing substances, neglecting your health, or engaged in shady underworld dealings, clean up your act before you ask to have your needs met.
 Step two: Help your wife learn who you are, what makes you tick, and how she can make you happy. Lovingly help her to see the world through your eyes. You won’t end up convincing her you’re right, but you can help her to learn from you and grow with you.”
So with Sternberg’s theories of love in order to achieve that Consummate Love you are missing passion and intimacy, perhaps remembering a time when you had both the passion and intimacy could help you to also remember how you got there. I think all of Dr. Haltzman book would help you and he goes into much more detail than I can provide for you on here. I though that eighth point would best start you on the direction of repair because it seems as if you and your wife have lost touch with the reasons why you initially fell in love with each other and decided to begin on the journey of marriage.
I think that I can somewhat understand your situation since I too am in a relationship that feels quite one-sided and lacking in may areas but certainly not to the degree that you have described. I’m very sorry that you are going through this but it’s wonderful that you are trying to do so much to change your situation. When trying to communicate how I feel, I write it down first so that I will stay on the subject of what I’m trying to discuss. It helps keep me clam so a fight doesn’t start and I don’t get distracted by other problems. Take one thing on at a time, trying to fix everything at once will be overwhelming and seem much too daunting. I think it is very good that you realized that the problem you are experiencing with your wife is something you know you can not fix on your own and decided to seek out counseling. Maybe your wife is not comfortable going to counseling with you and needs her own sessions with a different counselor before she can see why the marriage needs help. Like I said before maybe try to do the things you did when you two were happy. What makes her happy? What was something that she used to enjoy? You could try to do those things with her. Try a hobby that both of you can engage in together.
Well good luck and I hope that I have been helpful to you in some way.

[psychstudent29]

It sounds like your wife isn't giving you the attention you require/deserve. How long have the two of you been together? How old is your son? Do you find yourself wanting to continue in the marriage? Or are you just staying together with your wife for your sons sake? In my experience, a relationship with full commitment requires effort from both people divided equally; 50,50. If you're staying with your wife just for the sake of your son, and she's doing just the same, you have to consider what's best for all parties involved.

In my psychology class we learned that maintaining relationships require Equity- what you get is what you put in. Maybe your wife feels as though you aren't attracted to her, or that you don't value her in your life. It is also possible that your sex life might be putting your marriage at stake. My psychology professor discussed theories about married couples (men and women) and their sex lives. Most women know that most men love sex. What many women don’t realize, though, is that men love sex with their wives because it brings about an unsurpassed sense of emotional closeness with them.

These may apply to your situation and how your wife is reacting to you wanting to seek marriage counseling as a couple. She may feel as though you don't want it badly enough, that you can't see what she's trying to tell you although she may not be coming right out and saying it. Most women for one reason or another feel as though men should know what's wrong with the woman they're involved with without them telling him. It's almost like "you don't know me well enough to tell what is wrong here?" Try and pick up on her signals.

In my opinion, if you've tried your hardest and at the end of the day you'd rather give up than try, you need to think about what's in your best interest. You may be concerned with the well being of your son, but who is concerned about YOUR well being? I think you should sit down with your wife, discuss all of your options and just explain that is isn't worth the both of you being miserable for the rest of your lives.

[yaboye]

It seems that you are having difficulties communicating and getting near your wife. Your relationship is going downhill. It appears that your wife really need space from you since she “takes a bath, goes to bed and watches TV.” Are you having a financial problem? That could cause some stress and anxiety. However, your son can probably help you both get back on track because he is the key that both are you are still living in the same house. There is still commitment by the both of you so there is always hope. You have done the right thing by going counseling.
According to “Building A Strong Family Bond,” by Dr. Scott Haltzman, there are five ways to build a strong relationship. They are: spending time together, practice family rituals, give to others, stay physically strong, and talk and listen. Sometimes the difficult times that you can your wife are going through can actually build a stronger relationship once you have settled the problem down. You just have to somehow stick together and form a common purpose.
Understanding that your wife does not want to go out to movies or a date night, you should go to Red Box and rend a movie. Watch is together at home; maybe you will have some bonding time. Bring her to the place where you both met or do something that have brought you together. This regular ritual can increase connection between the both of you. Ask her to take a day off and do some donation so you can both feel good about yourselves. Keep up the healthy diet. Lastly, be open minded and have a serious conversation. You can start by talking about how far your son has grown or has become to a man he is.
If I was in your shoes, I would definitely try the method of practice family rituals. This will remind both of you of the memories, ups and downs that you both have been through. It is a good way to realize that you have come so far to give up right now. If she does not feel comfortable, do not force it. Save the talk for another day. Time heals any kind of wound.