Husband not wanting me to speak to my sisters, etc.

[Frustrated]

My husband and I have been married for 16 1/2 years. I am having a problem with my husband not liking it when I talk to my sisters on the phone. I have always been close with my family and talk to my sisters often. It's not like I leave him out and don't talk to him. For example, (and this is just one of many!) this past weekend my sister was home, she hasn't been home since Christmas, she lives about three hours away. When they went back home on Sunday, my niece had called me to ask me a question about her Wii and then called on Facetime so I could help her with her question. When she was home around Christmas, she got a new game and I was helping her install it on the Wii and do other stuff with it so naturally, when she had another question about that game, she called me. Well then my sister came in the picture and we said a few words and that was that. The call wasn't even 10 minutes in length. When I got off the phone, my husband practically yelled at me and telling me I just can't get enough of my sister. I felt that as very uncalled for. I never say anything to him when his brother comes home and he's at our house every day that he's home. This is just very frustrating. This is not the first time he does something like that. I have a whole list of things he doesn't like and most of them have to do with my family. Any advise on what to do or why he acts this way?

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Frustrated,

There is a thread under communications, "MY WIFE IS HYPER CRITICAL, PLEASE HELP" One of the strategies discussed in that thread, is the Boring Baroque Response described in books by Suzette Elgin.

One objective is to avoid rewarding behavior that is detrimental. How can you avoid inadvertently rewarding your husband's unreasonable criticism?

I personally try to avoid talking to my friends and family when my wife is around. My wife loves to criticize, so giving her ammunition is not in my best interests.

What else does your husband complain about?

I started a thread, under TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF, "interrupting Disrespect, Habit Assistance for Spouse" The idea is, that if a spouse is being unreasonable, then your giving audience to a bad movie, is a reward, even in silence. So I try to have some phrases in mind, so that when my wife goes on a tear, that I have some questions to raise, that stop me from being a supportive audience. "Can you summarize your points" conveys the meaning that I am tired of listening to that line of discussion.

I commend you on identifying a sequence of events that irritates you about your husband. That is the first step in making some changes in the pattern. Any sequences that you notice, that can be altered or interrupted?



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[ThunderHorse]

To Frustrated:

The Boring Baroque Response could be something like blithering boring summary of related ideas:

"I can understand that you might feel irritated that I have an enthusiastic conversation with my sister an niece. Jealousy is part of love and marriage, and it may be distasteful to you that I have joyful conversation with my relatives. You and I have joyful conversations now and again, but in marriage, there are times when our conversations are matter-of-fact. I can see why you may think that I spend too much time in joyful conversation with my relatives. You have enjoyable conversations with your brother and other family members, which do not, for me, create the type of joy I experience with my family. But I realize your conversations with your family bring you comfort and joy, so I encourage you in the enjoyment of conversations with your family members. It would be nice if you could be happy for me, that I have enjoyable conversations with my family members. But I am interested in serving you and our family, so maybe you could let me know what you might be feeling I am neglecting for you, when I am spending some time on the phone with my family members. I try to do _____ and ___ for you, and hope that you will be encouraging to me in my relations with my family. Marriage takes some effort to reach understanding, so help me better understand your ideas......"

The idea is to talk around his request that seems to be he wants you to stop talking to your sister. Just talk about a bunch of ideas that relate to the topic, in a non-argumentative manner, and let him vent when he interrupts your boring response. Avoid argumentative ideas, like "Well, you spend MORE time talking with your family, than I spend talking to my family." or "Well at least I am not inviting my sister over to our house all the time." Just make logical comments about the issues, but avoid making him wrong. Letting your husband express his anger, should relieve his anger, and allow him to calm down. If anger goes too long, you might ask, "Can we talk about the issue in a pleasant manner?"

Or you might ask, "Are there some other issues that might be bothering you? Is there something else that is also bothering you, that is related to the issue of my talking to my sister?"



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