My Happiness comes at the expense of her sadness...

My Happiness comes at the expense of her sadness...

Postby tryin2bhappy » Mon May 05, 2014 10:33 am

My wife and I are in our late 30s, we have a amazing 3yo son, and we have been together for 16 years (8 of those married). We both met in college and had almost no other relationships except our own.

We are healthcare professionals and have somewhat aggressive personalities which one might say has been a positive and negative trait in our lives. Financially, while we are not rich, I feel we make a sufficient amount of money and don't need to think too much about money.

The reason why I say my aggressive personality has been negative is because for me, I feel like nothing is ever enough... The constant strive to make more money, be happier, live fuller has been an ongoing effort. My life, while I consider it balanced, it high-strung.

What makes me happy? Having a happy and stress-free home to go to at the end of my day. Making sure that the ones I love are happy themselves and will be taken care of when I am gone. Providing for my home. Seeing my son smile. But what else makes me happy? occasional alcohol consumption (2-3 nights per week), occasional recreational drugs (once per week), city nightlife living (2 nights per week), having flirtatious endeavors, and just losing control sometimes all seem to have served me well.

Our life has been what I describe as very full and exciting to say the least. We both try to find a nice balance between spending time together, with our child, and by ourselves.

Recently, my wife conveyed to me that she felt I was very controlling and selfish. To make a very long story short, she feels many of the things which makes me happy come at the expense of her sadness. It is for this reason that our marriage seems hopeless sometimes... Yes, I am aware that a marriage, unlike what people believe, requires effort and sacrifice... But how much effort? how much sacrifice? on who's part?

Should I sacrifice my own happiness for her happiness? or hers for mines? how much is enough?

I feel like, if I give up too much of myself, I will go through life feeling like all I did was make others happy.... is that anyway to live?
tryin2bhappy
 
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Re: My Happiness comes at the expense of her sadness...

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu May 08, 2014 3:16 am

You can give your wife fulfillment by encouraging her to vent for 15 Minutes per day. There are two chapters in THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED MEN book about encouraging your wife to tell you he random ideas. The fact that some of her ideas are complaints about the marriage, should be encouraging to you, that you are doing a good job of encouraging her to express ALL her ideas.

It seems you have an opportunity to be more sensitive to your wife by cutting back on going out and cutting back on imbibing in intoxicants. Although you might not be consuming intoxicants to the extent of becoming debilitated, your ability to encourage your wife to discuss her fanciful ideas may be diminished.

What aspects has she said she feels you are using too much control? How can you cut back, to give her more feeling of your listening to her?

What aspects of your control are either/or, your happiness or hers, with no possibility of compromise? How can you show her your love, by letting her have step-wise more control over some aspects of your marriage?


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ThunderHorse
 
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Re: My Happiness comes at the expense of her sadness...

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu May 08, 2014 6:27 pm

When a woman complains about her marriage to her husband, it is sometimes because her husband has been ignoring her, or not giving her as much attention as she desires.

Many wives find that by complaining about their marriage, they get more attention from their husband. Consternation is attention.

Under communication there is a thread, Listening Strategies for Men,

What compliments can you add?



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ThunderHorse
 
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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm


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