My wife is a perfectionist

[bmmc29]

I'll start off by saying I have my own issues. I've owned up to them. I'm going to therapy, reading marriage books, moving on from my old selfish ways.

My wife is perfectionist and sees this as a good thing. However, it's so extreme that even the nice things I do for her she complains about and makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Yesterday I told her I'm tired of being 100% to blame for everything. I said neither of us should be 100% to blame in our relationship, and she snapped. It kills her inside to admit any fault and I don't know what to do. She calls me controlling. But I don't feel like I want to control her, I just don't want to be blamed for the rest of my life. When I told her that, she started to get depressed and saying she has nothing to live for. I don't get it.
Oh and she's 8 weeks pregnant right now.

She sent me this article because she feels like this describes me: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

But the fact is I haven't done most of these things, SHE has, and doesn't see it, won't admit it or own up to it. When I ask her, to, she just cries hysterically and saying you're just going to use it against me and control me.

I don't know what to do. I just want us to have a fair and happy relationship. Help.

[ThunderHorse]

I suggest that you are not listening to your wife correctly.

You are holding your wife to the literal meaning of aspirational statements.

As you say, Perfection is good.

But usually, perfection is an aspirational concept, rather than a realistic expectation.

Perhaps this is why your wife feels you are controlling, is because you are holding her to the literal meaning of her words.

My wife likes to complain. But usually it is just an expression of her FEELINGS, and not entirely related to what she is talking about.

There are many books on how to listen/talk to women. There are two chapters in the book THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED MEN. There is a thread LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN, in this Communication section.

If you translate your wife's criticism of you, as projection, that she is feeling she herself, does not measure up, then you can respond more appropriately, with compliments, and esteem building concepts. There is a thread, COMPLIMENTS FOR WIVES, in this communications section.

You may be soft-pedaling, and not mentioning that your wife makes hurtful remarks to you. When your wife is deliberately hurtful, then you need a special response, described by Suzette Elgin. There is a thread, MY WIFE IS HYPERCRITICAL, PLEASE HELP, under this communications section, that discusses Elgin and her books.

These are suggestions for you to change your response to your wife. It is not always easy for you to change yourself. If you are finding it difficult to encourage your wife to vent her feelings about ideals, you may enlist assistance from counselors or personal coaches to assist you in your challenges. I keep a coach on retainer, so I can call up my coach every day, if I need to talks some things out. I have Listened to DVD marriage courses, and participated in Self-Improvement Seminars/groups and on-line bulleting boards. I have found challenges in changing myself.

But don't forget about Romance. You have not mentioned how you put romance into your marriage.

Women can tell what you are thinking.

Logic and reality are irrelevant. What is important, is your ability to Admire your wife. Can you increase the time/circumstances , during which you are giving your wife admiring looks/thoughts?





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