How to talk to her?

[DJDM]

I have been married for 16 years. At various times in our marriage my wife has felt that I was a little distant and wanted to be closer to me. She felt I didn't open up to her very much, which was true. I was a little clueless and I didn't think anything needed to change because I was happy.

Lately I feel like things are reversed. I feel like she is a little distant and I really want to be closer to her. The other night we really opened up to each other and we talked for hours, something we haven't done for years, if ever. Afterwards she told me "It was good to have her best friend back". It was great. We felt so close to each other.

My question is how do I keep this going? Sometimes when we talk I feel like our conversation is just about the superficial details of life. Sometimes I feel like I have to ask her questions just to keep the conversation going. I want to talk to her, but I don't want her to think I'm trying to hard or something.

Any suggestions?

[ThunderHorse]

Develop questions to ask your wife to keep the conversation going. I have some books on counseling questions.

Acknowledge what your wife says, and then give her some silent time to let her know you are interested in hearing more about her ideas.

Drive Thru listening. You order, "One Large Chocalte Shake, One Large French Fries."

The Fast Food Clerk says, "One large chocolate shake, One Large French Fries."

Repeat back what your wife says, even when you are sure you understand what she is saying. You encourage her to go deeper, with your following silence.


Secrets of Married Men Chaper 10, Introduce yhourself. Let your wife know your interests, and what you would like her to give you support on.


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[Faith4Lyfe]

First I want to start by saying that marriage is something so wonderful but yet so difficult at the same time. Sometimes it is difficult to be close to the people we see every day, and since each and every person comes from a different walk in life, some people have been scarred and hurt leaving them with reasons that they don’t open up to let people in. I don’t know your past, and I don’t know your wife’s, and I’m in no way saying that you have issues or that you experienced a difficult past, but I am saying that there are reasons we are the way we are, but there is also ways to change our ways. You and your wife, do you both have full time jobs leaving little time to spend with one another alone? Did she suspect that you were hiding something and because of that cause herself to be distant?
When we spend a lot of time with the same person we tend to believe that we know them, without even saying anything to them. I’m currently taking a psychology class and we just recently talked about the steps to relationships and marriages. “There are three factors in initial attraction of strangers and one key point is familiarity; the mere exposure effect states that positive feelings towards a person are increased the more we see them.” This is some cases can apply to marriages as well. When you think about it, when you first met your wife she was just a stranger. You knew little to nothing about her, and of course I don’t know your personal story of how you met one another, but you obviously saw one another over and over again, learning the basics and growing to like one another more and more. But the difficult thing with the mere exposure effect is that yes, you can see one another over and over, but if you don’t communicate things will get sticky and tougher. When you’re married, communication can sometimes go out the window because life happens. I’m sure after being married for 16 years you understand that life throws curve balls, and it’s in those moments that if there is not clear communication, as my professor states, “ineffective communication and conflict management skills may cause a relationship to end.”
I am in no way saying your marriage will end, I am here to encourage you and to help you, hopefully, understand and create a plan on how to communicate clearly and effectively with your wife. As a woman, I know that it is important to sit down one on one and talk with her, ignoring the world and everything around you two. Shut off the cell phone, turn off the computer and TV, turn on some light music and just sit down together and talk. If you have nothing to talk about, ask her about her day. Just make casual conversation, and keep it going. There is nothing to be awkward about; this is your wife, no one to be nervous around. When you are talking with her look he right in the eyes, and listen intently, repeating what she says to you, so that she knows you are truly listening. And my second recommendation is for you. It is important for you to be open with her. When you two talk, be open with her about things and feelings. It is important to women to know and understand a man’s feelings and to see that he isn’t always “Mr. Tough guy.” Showing a little humble, weakness is actually very meaningful to a woman, especially your wife. She loves you for you, and she just wants to know you. The more you listen and spend time with her, and the more you are open and honest with her about you and what is going on in your life, she will do the same in return. I hope this works for you! Rooting for you! Good luck!!!

[peacekeeper34]

a marriage isnt just some word or idea that humans created, it is the bonding between two that share all of what makes them who they are and what they, that individual built their entire life on that made you see in them as more than just somebody. you have choosen your wife, that woman to share your emotions, thoughts, experiences, and growths on that day you vowed yourself entirely to her. you may not feel as if communication is there all the time with i entirely agree, but always changing it up in doing different activities such as going out on romantic dinners to get away from everything else but yourselves to mend eachother in whatever is on your mind, complent her for all she has been for you and socialize about your love for one another or things you both would still want to contribute to do such as a getaway vacation or even something small that would mean so much to her. it is always the man who should bring out the socializing aspect out of the marriage, yet should never be afraid to talk about anything with your wife, cause she in your eyes is your world and that world can and should be spoken to easily. my psychology professor stated that having a positive grip on communication is an essentail aspect of our lives and has a large impact in relationships. that there are many ways to show communication, yet nonverbal being the most difficult to understand.

[Dobertel]

Engaging in meaningful communication with others can be difficult at times. Conversation with those you see on a daily basis can become dull. You desire to be close with your wife but you do not want the notion to come off as you trying too hard. This is good. You know exactly what you want.
In Dr. Haltzman’s Book “Secrets of Happily Married Men” two concepts are touched upon that I believe directly apply to you and your situation. Firstly he states that men should treat marriage like they treat work in a sense. This mostly means to put a lot of thought into your relationship; constantly search how to make it better. Second he states to know your wife; know what makes her happy; know what she likes to talk about. This is not a one way street either. Both partners in marriage should be inputting effort to the relationship. Since you have blogged it appears you may be putting more thought into the matter than your wife is currently, maybe not also.
You know what you want. If you want to stay connected with your wife know what she wants to talk about. Do things that make her happy. You do not want to make it seem as though you’re putting too much effort into the matter so don’t. It sounds like you have a great marriage. Share your feelings with your wife and hopefully you both will be aiming for similar marital goals.

[peace333]

Looking at your situation where you stated “At various times in our marriage my wife has felt that I was a little distant and wanted to be closer to me. She felt I didn't open up to her very much, which was true. I was a little clueless and I didn't think anything needed to change because I was happy”. But, reading on I see now you feel the roles have changed. If you knew she wanted to talk or be close why didn’t you just open up and talk? From where she said “It was good to have her best friend back" how hard was it to talk when you first met till now? What has really changed? In my psychology class my professor stated that “the number one goal in relationships should be to make your partner happy. You can’t satisfy your partner if you don’t listen to them and understand their wants and needs.” Which I feel in your situation is true.

You seemed to feel and think that because you were happy your wife was too, which was not the case. Looking at where she stands she seems to be more independent now where she doesn’t need your shoulder or ear. From the looks of it she found an outlet in expressing herself elsewhere when you weren’t there for her. Now you’re the one looking for her to be close to you. This is a good way to reflect back on how she felt; you’re basically in her shoes. This is a good way for the both of you to express how one feels and what communication block you both have to overcome. This is a good time to sit with each other and find out what you both would like to receive from one another in this relationship and what you feel your relationship is lacking as far as communication. Being open and honest with one another and sharing your feelings is a good way to have a long and happy marriage.

I learned that, “poor communication causes break up within a relationship or marriage”. I also learned that, “communicating with one another does not mean that you guys have to always necessarily talk”. But just expressing your love for each other in the little ways can go a long way which can build a better friendship and relationship. Glancing back when you said “Sometimes I feel like I have to ask her questions just to keep the conversation going, I want to talk to her, but I don't want her to think I'm trying to hard or something”. If you said how you felt to her I highly doubt she would see it as trying too hard, I feel in my own personal opinion she would feel like your opening up to her where you weren’t before looking for guidance and support. Staying married for 16 years is an accomplishment. For you to seek help like you did I feel is a great start for the both of you, from the look of it you’re trying to help the situation and your marriage, and that is the biggest step there is. I wish you well and I hope your marriage is as strong as ever.