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Need Advice for Communicating with Husband. He Says I Argue.
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Posted:
Tue Dec 23, 2008 11:04 am
by AbagayleLee
We've been married for 10 years. We recently had two kids back to back. One is 28 months and the other is 8 months. I stay at home with them both. Since having the kids we have problems with our communication and have become really disconnected.
I've read [i]Secrets of Happily Married Women[/i] and I bought him the Men version but he won't read it. I didn't push the issue at all. I ordered them both at the same time and he knew I read mine and I just left his on the kitchen table for 2 weeks then put it away. I've also read [i]How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About it[/i].
I'm working my best to implement everything that I've learned in the two books. I also have a degree in Sociology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family, so am completely taken aback that we have so many communication problems.
He says I argue all the time. I have a very passive/submissive personality and marriage style. I'm very traditional and feel my calling is to raise the kids and tend to the home, which he also agree with. But, every time we talk he says I argue and feels that I devalue his opinion. A lot of this is stemming from his new job which he took right when I had our first baby. He says at work people treat him like he's stupid (my husband is brilliant, very gifted at what he does). So, while I've always thought and still do that he's quite intelligent, I think he feels that I'm treating him the same way people at his work do even though I'm not.
I hate fighting. I tend to give up fast just to avoid a fight. Sometimes he'll continue to fight even though I'm just listening and I end up standing there calmly while he just yells at me.
He seems to take everything I say wrong. I've begun censoring everything I say before I say it, which just makes him madder because I don't answer right away (I run every possible scenario through my head before speaking, but still end up saying things that anger him).
My entire goal is to just be a good wife and mom. I tend to the family with little to no time for myself without complaint. I really am at a loss as to how to reconnect with him and communicate without him viewing it as an argument. I feel like not talking at all and just nodding and replying "ok" all the time, but that's what I did before reading [i]How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About it[/i] and it just seem to further our disconnection.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
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Posted:
Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:41 pm
by rhiley_08j
You sound like you are in the same situation as I am, except roles are reversed. I can't talk to my wife about anything that she might disagree with or it turns into an argument. I find it very important to pick my battles wisely. Is it really important in the big picture, or can I ignore it and it will go away. For the most part it works. I can't count how many times I have said I am sorry, just to clear the air.
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Posted:
Thu Dec 10, 2009 5:15 pm
by kingston7
Wow my sister, it's nice not to feal alone! We are very similar, I too am a stay at home mom, we have four kids. All I can ever say is "ok". The part that hit me the hardest was when you said u play all possible scenarios before u speek, it can really b exhausting, I just want to breath with out feeling like I am constantly "causing a problem". I so badley want to be compfortable to be myself how do we bridge the gap!!! with out starting a fight LOL
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Posted:
Sun Dec 13, 2009 10:56 am
by ThunderHorse
kingston7 wrote:Wow my sister, it's nice not to feal alone! We are very similar, I too am a stay at home mom, we have four kids. All I can ever say is "ok". The part that hit me the hardest was when you said u play all possible scenarios before u speek, it can really b exhausting, I just want to breath with out feeling like I am constantly "causing a problem". I so badley want to be compfortable to be myself how do we bridge the gap!!! with out starting a fight LOL
While it is good to plan out the bringing up controversial topics, it sounds like you may be making more efforts than might be needed in planning what to say. You might put some effort into planning what you will say, if something you happen to say, offends your spouse, unexpectedly.
There will be times in a realtionship, when a spouse unknowingly, and unintentionally, says something to offend the other spouse. So Suzette Elgin's Boring Baroque Response, of blithering pleasant, complimentary gibberish, is a good response to have in mind, so that we can avoid antagnizing our spouse, if they happen to become offended by something we say.
The Secrets of Happily Married Men book has a chapter on listening for men. Certainly us husbands can use some coaching, if we don't use the best skills in listening to our wives. Eggerich has made an agreement with his wifve, that she gets 15 minutes to talk about whatever she wants, without the husband feeling he has to do anything but listen unconditionally.
Have you tried negotiating a FREE TALK period of time for you and your spouse?
..
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Posted:
Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:34 pm
by labixiaoxin
I feel like you and your husband have a lot of commutation issues that both of you need to work on. Dr. M says that commutation with others is an essential aspect of our lives and has a large impact on adjustment. Yes he is probably very stressed of work but that doesn’t mean he can come home and start arguments over nothing because it seems like that’s the last thing you want to do. I think maybe like one night you and your husband should go out one night and get away from the work and the children where he is not stressed out and you can remind him that he has a great wife. You might fell by saying ok to everything he says and by using little words may seem ok at the time but also it doesn’t solve the problems that you have. Have you guys talked about your issues before? The best thing to do is talk it out and to make him feel okay and just support his work. If you feel like the book Secrets of happily married women is working for you and he wont read it, maybe you should try to have him read it and tell him that it has been working for you. My boyfriend and I have that same problem sometimes he comes home from work and starts arguing with me over stuff from the night before or even days in the past and it gets me really stressed out. I hope that my advice helps you and I hope things between you and your husband work out for the best.
Re: Need Advice for Communicating with Husband. He Says I Ar
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Posted:
Wed Nov 30, 2011 3:24 pm
by Ask NaNa
AbagayleLee,
I see that you and your husband are having trouble communicating with one another. I also see that your husband is having trouble at work. You guys have been married for ten years meaning that you guys have been through a lot and were able to stay married to one another.
In my psychology class with Professor M I learned that, “poor communication causes break up within a relationship or marriage”. I also learned that, “communicating with one another does not mean that you guys have to always nessacerealy talk”. It’s basically whatever works for you and your spouse. You staying home every day with the kids and your husband always going to work are a lot of pressure. Dr. Haltzman says, “change your style of verbal interactions to get more of what you want”, and “put the main point up front”. He also said that, “there are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight”.
'
The advice I shall give you is since your husband is having trouble at work you should try to avoid bringing up anything up that will allow you guys to argue and make each other frustrated. As a man, it is extremely hard for them to feel “stupid” or not man enough to be able to be successful at his job and marriage. Try talking to your husband about his job and see what the problem is. Show that you care and that you want people at his job to respect him and his work performance.
When you husband comes home from work, simply ask him how his day at work was. If your husband had a long day of work you may want to refrain bringing up anything negative. Seeing his facial expression shows a lot. He may not be saying anything but you already know that he is upset. When you feel as though the time is right, have a discussion with him and try to be as positive as you can. Be careful on how you approach the situation. Get the main point across. Don’t drag the problem out and make it bigger than it already is.
You want your husband to hear you and understand what you are telling him. If your husband says something that you don’t like, try to accept it and then tell him how you felt about his comment. Listen to what he has to say also. Together you guys can fix the issue that is being brought up during the discussion. Even though you guys may always argue it does not nessacerealy mean that your husband is against you. It just simply means that you guys have a disagreement on a certain situation. I hope you and your husband work things out!
Re: Need Advice for Communicating with Husband. He Says I Ar
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Posted:
Wed Dec 07, 2011 12:05 pm
by princesssx3x
I feel like you and your husband have a lot of commutation issues that both of you need to work on. Dr. M says that commutation with others is an essential aspect of our lives and has a large impact on adjustment. Commutation is the key in a relationship without you and your partner cant talk about how you really feel about each other or even just a simple conversation. Yes he is probably very stressed of work but that doesn’t mean he can come home and start agurements over nothing because it seems like that’s the last thing you want to do.
I think maybe like one night you and your husband should go out one night and get away from the work and the children where he is not stressed out and you can remind him that he has a great wife. You might fell by saying ok to everything he says and by using little words may seem ok at the time but also it doesn’t solve the problems that you have. Have you guys talked about your issues before?
The best thing to do is talk it out and to make him feel okay and just support his work. If you feel like the book Secrets of happily married women is working for you and he wont read it, maybe you should try to have him read it and tell him that it has been working for you. My boyfriend and I have that same problem sometimes he comes home from work and starts arguing with me over stuff from the night before or even days in the past and it gets me really stressed out. I hope that my advice helps you and I hope things between you and your husband work out for the best.
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Re: Need Advice for Communicating with Husband. He Says I Ar
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Posted:
Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:07 am
by shodg23
So it sounds like there's alot of tension between the two of you. He wont listen to you when speak to him because he feels like your being obnoxious, and you wont respond to him because you dont want to argue him. You bought him a book about communicating better with each other but he didnt read it which probably upset you and created more tension between the two of you. And between all of this you a have to fairly new borns running around.
I think this situation needs room to breathe. Arguing with each other or what ever you want to call it obviously isnt working. Your doing everything in your power to prevent conflict and he thinks your treating him like the people from his job. I know you had good intentions when you bought him the book to read. But from his point of veiw if he thinks your treating him like hes stupid like the people at his work he might be be thinking wow she must really think im dumb if she bought me a book about my own relationship. And i know sometimes in arguements not getting a response back can be just as annoying as being argued with.
So i think the two of you need to give each other room to breathe and sort of do your own thing for a little bit jus to let some of the tension disolve. You see each other every day so eventually youll both be want to talk to each other. And then you can apologize to each other for what ever youve done to create tension and begin to work through the issue.
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Posted:
Fri Nov 30, 2012 12:40 pm
by daniellep92
Okay, so what seems to be the problem is your husband thinks you love to argue. Was there a time in your marriage were all you did was argue? Or is something bothering him from his past that he doesn't want to talk about? Sometimes something from your past can have a hold on you and can instantly ruin or try to ruin your future. I grew up in a home with both my parents. My mom was a devoted parent to me and my older brother. My dad was there "some of the time", but my mom was the one to always take me and my brother out to eat, and just take us out in general. My parents also divorced. It wasn't until I was around 19 though. My dad didn't cheat, he was just a heavy drinker, and he lost his job over it. He wasn't trying to find anything else he just wanted to "party" his summer away. But what I learned to do is just keep busy. But in your case, your husband thinks you argue all the time, but all men say that.
Dr. Scott states "The Sixth Way": Aim to Please, which means treat someone well, and you'll get it right back. Like the old saying "treat others how you would want to be treated." This is very true.
As Dr. Scott wrote,The lessons of life are constantly being learned and relearned. Your going to learn alot more about your spouse once you have kids, and once you live together. It's a road that everyone takes.
Mrs. Misiurski, from my psychology class says what is called "Behaviorism", the attempt to understand observable activity in terms of observable stimuli and observable responses. The way you act towards your spouse and your behavior towards him on a regular basis is going to stick. Understanding that you and him have 2 kids together, puts a toll on the relationship, and your sex life, but that's what happens when you have children. They take over your life, which isn't a bad thing.
If your husband yells at you instead of talking to you, that's what you call bad communication. Instead of yelling, tell him to just talk to you. Talking rather than yelling can improve a relationship tremendously. By you just standing there and letting him yell at you just proves that you have no interest to fight, but it also means that he has a temper problem, and he might need to talk to someone. Like you said before, you got him a book you wanted him to read, he should've read it but obviously he felt like could just brush it off and not read it. Most men aren't going to read a book about marriage advice. If they don't want to talk about it, their not going to read about it. In my past relationship I used to let my boyfriend scream and yell at me all the time, then when I finally did stand up for myself and yelled back things just got out of hand.
My advice to you is just talk to him. Let him know that you don't want to fight, you don't like to fight. Also let him know that you and him need to have better communication skills. It seems to me that ever since you've become a mom he's been distancing himself from a possible situation. That's why I say talk to him. Nothing can go wrong with just talking. You seem like a devoted mom, and house wife, and he needs to see that. Which I'm sure he does, he's just implying that your busy with other things, and he doesn't want to discurage you more.
Re: Need Advice for Communicating with Husband. He Says I Ar
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Posted:
Mon Dec 03, 2012 10:35 pm
by scl93
I understand that you and your husband have poor communication. I also understand that he says that you argue all the time and thinks that you treat him like he is “stupid.” You give up to avoid a fight while he keeps arguing. He takes everything you say the wrong way and gets angry with you no matter what. Am I correct?
Dr. Haltzman states in Secrets of Happily Married Women that you need to learn to fight better. Dr. Haltzman says to let your husband know exactly what you need by making a statement like “I’d like you to pick up the children after lessons,” rather than “I feel like I’m running around town like a chicken with my head cut off!” He also says that when women keep criticism to a minimum, men get less defensive, and it is easier to be heard.
In your situation, this advice would help because although your husband does not understand or does not want to understand how to stop the fighting, if you know how to deal with it, there is a better chance that the arguing will subside.
I think that you should sit down with your husband and let him know what is bothering you. Try to stay calm to improve that chances that he will stay calm as well. Don’t yell, just have a conversation with him being sure to open up to him completely, and try to have him do the same.