by ThunderHorse » Mon Nov 19, 2012 9:00 pm
From Taking Care of Yourself, Thing Are Not Wroking out, I am at a loss, Post 2
One aspect you raise is the concept of the fear that your husband might start being abusive.
One option is to rehearse effective responses to abuse, so you feel that you are properly preapred, if abuse occurs. Search the Boring Baroque Response.
Another option, is to learn about the patterns that serve to reward and perpetuate abusive, or insonsiderate behavior. These rewards are counter-intuitive, so you will probably have to read Suzette Elgin, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME.. Basically Arguing, Condemning, ignoring and retaliation serve as incentives to establish the habit of abuse.
There is little recognition in your post, of the Man type values realting to yourhusband's contribution to the household. How do you help to boost your husband's ego?
Having 3 sons may make the coordination of marital time for enjoying each other, a bit of a challenge. Husbands are often not good mind readers. Are there times you could have fun, but your husband is missing the signals? Could you set up some codes for better communication?
Instead of intervening on behalf of your eldest son, with your husband, is there some way you could coach your son to practice being more assertive, yet respectful, in phrasing of his ideas? Any activities to get your son involved in roles in whch he might be more assertive? Sports, youth theatre, camp actvities, Scouts, etc? Does your son practice teh Boring Baroqe response?
You are probably smart to try to get ahead on these issues, before anything gets out of hand. It appears that you are early, and ahead the curve of serious problems.
It is often the case that one person feels that they are the only ones working on the marriage. You might try to give your husband credit for some of the time and effort he makes to support the family, and earn money.
From Communication, My Husband Drinks and says rude thing to my family
Perhaps there are several issues or perspectives on the situation.
One is drinking.
One is harsh words to you.
Another is religion.
Another is your husband's limited enjoyment of Love with you.
Respect is important to men. Paul, in the Christian Bible, advocated for wives to respect their husbands.
If you want more Love from your husband, Look to find more ways to be respectful to your husband.
Insisting that your husband respect verbally all your ideas on religion is one battle you can choose. I suggest that your husband has no control over your religious beliefs, so I suggest that you decide to IGNORE anything he says about your religious beliefs. Christianity can be your private, personal matter.
I suggest that you focus on other issues. Your husband speaking harshly to you is an issue, whether he is drinking, drunk or sober. A successful response to harsh words from a spouse is the Boring Baroque response, which is blithering platittudes. YOU Can't say that to me, 8 steps to ending verbal abuse, by Suzette Elgin. Elgin is discussed on many treads in this website.
You don't mention the work your husband does, or how he helps around the house. Respect is important to men, and it is dfficult for most women to understand the Ego of their man. How have you contradicted his ideas in the last week or month? Were you aware you were contradicting his ideas at that time? When could you have spent time accompnaying him, when you chose to do something else?
How can you incrementally assist your husband to slow down his drinking? Since he drinks less on work days, he apparently is not addicted.
Ask your husband to take his first drink later in the day, maybe. When he is going to take his first drink, maybe begin describing what all is important that your husband does for you, and the difficulties he has on his job, and how his sports teams are doing. Find ways to show more respect for your husband, before he takes his first drink of the day.
Abusive spouses know how to say hurtful things to their spouses, which is why it is verbal abuse.
Anger or not talking are rewards for verbal abuse. I suggest that you take steps to break the cycles that have been set up in your marriage, of drinking and verbal abuse. Your part of the cycle is anger, not talking and not finding ways to stroke your husband's ego.
A Blithering response
"I know you think that I hid you bottle of E & J, and you know that I would prefer that you start drinking later in the day on your days off. Certainly a good wife should not try to hide the bottle. Certainly you are responsible in your work, and I respect the efforts you make in getting to work, and the effort in earning wages. You know that my Christian beliefs are a sources of strength to me, so when you criticize my religious beliefs, that is discuaraging to me. I undersand that you feel that I was disrespectful to you, by your belief that I hid the bottle of E & J, but I want to assure you that I value all your work that you do, and I believe that you are entitled to a large measure of enjoyment, and I hope that we can ....... as part of our marital bliss"
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