My husband doesn't take part with my side of the family

My husband doesn't take part with my side of the family

Postby MeansGood » Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:26 pm

My husband and I have been together for a total of almost 18 years and I can count on two hands the amount of visits he has been included in when it comes to my side of the family. I openly accepted his family from day 1, but never pushed mine on his. But it's becoming a huge issue for me as we get older and I realize the importance of family. I have tried to explain to him how important it is to me that he be there too as I'm proud of him and what we have together and want to share this with my family. He continue's to say that he's just not interested, not comfortable, doesn't enjoy himself, etc. Yet cannot give one example of a situation that my family has offended him or disrespected him at all. I don't have a huge family so those I do have I want to share with him...but each visit or get-together results in an arguement with me crying and begging...this is not something I should have to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:13 am

What is it that you are crying and begging about?

What specifically do you want him to do, that he is not doing?

Are there options for comprmise?

Are you talking about visiting your family members together?

How far away is your family?

I often just put in a polite appearance, with my in-laws, and go do something I want to do. Or go take a nap. My family used to enjoy Pinochle. Do you play cards?



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Postby MeansGood » Wed Aug 05, 2009 9:14 am

I've had to beg to get him to agree to be home when my family comes to our house for a visit, or for him to go with me to their house...and they live about 45 mins from us, so its not that bad. It always ends up in a fight, I get upset, thus the tears.

I'm not expecting or asking him to embrace my side of the family like I have his. But having him take part in a visit a couple of times a year doesn't sound like much. When he does take part (after the fighting), it's strained and very uncomfortable.

I think what is most upsetting to me is that he really is a wonderful man, caring, responsible, etc., and I want to share those qualities with my family.
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Renaissance Man

Postby Scott Haltzman » Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:20 pm

Here's my take on the situation. Some people are good at singing, some are good at dancing, and others are good at being the audience. We all have strengths, and, if we're smart, we capitalize on them. We all have weaknesses, and, if we're smart, we know our limits (Just listen to some people auditioning on American Idol).
OK, I get that if someone isn't strong at something he should work on it. But part of being a spouse is to recognize when your partner just doesn't have a strength in an area and accept that.
You know where I'm going with this...if socializing with your family isn't one of his strengths, then cherish what he does give you in the relationship, and learn that you may not have a renaissance man--he may not be great in all areas.
If after this many years, he's not good at singing, then stop asking him to go on stage.
Scott

The opinions offered by Dr. Haltzman do not represent advice or medical information. Rather they are offered as ideas in order to prompt discussion on this message board
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Postby MeansGood » Tue Aug 18, 2009 1:02 pm

Thank you Dr. Haltzman, and if I'm going to be very honest to you and myself I know what you are saying is what I should do. It just hurts beyond belief that I have this giant gap between people I love and want to share with one another. And equally as honest, I'm exhausted from making excuses for his absence. I started being more open with him recently but its very uncomfortable. I don't want the others in my family to think its something they've done, when in fact its his discomfort around them.

I will trully let your words sink in and try to overcome my problem in accepting him for who who is. It will be tough to do, but I will do my best to not allow this to eat me up (who am I kidding it will continue to do so, but thats my issue). I'm not looking for a perfect 100% well rounded partner at all, really. Its just been difficult for me to understand why he is like this and can't bend a bit. My belief is that you sometimes have to do things for loved ones that you may not love yourself but just do because you love them.

Thank you for your advice...
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Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Aug 21, 2009 4:32 am

My wife asked me to come visit her family, and I agreed, but then my wife said a few weeks ago, that it didn't matter, that Idid not go, so I let it drop.

Then today, my wife starts acting hnurt that I am not going withher over Labor day to visit her relatives. So I thought of this thread. I reserved a hotel and planned toask for time off from work, when I go in today.

I can cancel the hotel reservations, up to 6 PM that day. I just decided not to figth it. Ther are things I can do in thier city, that weekend, like sleep in the hotel. I can put in an appearance, and that is all that is really necessary.

I plan to also use the point as a negotiation tool, thagt if she asks for something over the next two week,s I will remind her of my extending the compromise of going with her to visit her family.

Means Good, you do not give an in-depth explanation of the Respct issues for your Husband. Women from Venus do not naturally understand the conecpts of respect in Mars. Religion, Football Tems, Politics job types, all play roles in respect. Your assertion that your family is respectful to your husband would take a lot more analysis than you have presented here.

Phrases to excuse your husband, to your family, "He is behind at work" "He has some special projects he is working on" "He was brning the midnight oil on some projects, and really needs this time to just catch up on his sleep." "I enjoy being able to visit my family, without feeling I am neglecting to show interst in my Husband" "When I return home, I will have to make up for having neglected my husband's interests for this time."








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Postby MeansGood » Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:16 am

Thunderhorse, I'm glad you changed your mind about joining your wife on the next visit. I'm sure you will not only surprise her, but make her more proud of her than you will ever know.

Re my respect issues with my husband...I openly tell people all the time how trully blessed and lucky I am to have a man so dedicated to taking care of us and putting us first. I am proud of every accomplish he makes.
Anytime there is a family function on his side, he automatically accepts the invite for "us" and then tells me the details...this is what is so upsetting that it is so one sided. Since I have been more open to this topic with him, he is trying to not accept on our behalf and asks, which isn't what I wanted at all. I'm very happy to join in on all the family functions since I believe this is part of a marriage/partnership.

I read your phrases to use...and honestly I'm so past making excuses that now I just tell them the truth about him being uncomfortable or really having others plans. I'm sure it hurts them but I have to be honest.

Thanks for your input and for making the effort with your wife.
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