Postby Jill. » Thu Jul 02, 2009 4:52 pm

I have been with my husband for 3 years and he has a bad temper. I just dont know how to get him to work on it. He usually lets things build up and then he will lose it about something small. Usuallly after he does he apologizes and says it was uncalled for. I just dont know what I can to try and pervent these from happening because i hate being talked to that why and i dont think i deserve it.

Thank you
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Aug 30, 2009 5:58 am

Your response to his temper is within your control.

Admitting he was wrong, is a good first step.

Look for unintended rewards, that he receives when he loses his temper. It is difficult to break a bad habit, when the rewards being received are meaningful to the individual

The rewards received by a verbal abuser are counter-intuitive, so you may be giveing rewards to his outbursts, unintentionally.

Have you read the 8 steps in Suzette Elgin's books, maybe (1995) and 2000, her latest two books cover the 8 steps to ending a spouse's partication in rewards for verbal abuse.

Other Spouse Secret Threads discussing the 8 steps to ending verbal abuse:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=318

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=elgin

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=elgin

Searched Elgin

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Re: Temper

Postby Ksmith2 » Tue Dec 06, 2011 9:40 am

Jill, it seems as though you are having a difficult time communicating with your husband because of his temper and the way he responds to certain situations. It is good that he is able to recognize when he is wrong, do you also have the ability to recognize when you are wrong? Many people seem to have difficulty communicating when they are upset and have trouble expressing their emotions in a calm and rational manner.
In notes from my psychology class we discussed ways to better improve interpersonal communication. One thing to look for is nonverbal cues. In an effort to make sure that you are not further escalating a situation, try to make sure that you are not doing anything such as rolling your eyes or showing a disinterest in what your husband is saying. Although he is having difficulty maintaining his composure, make your best effort to not lose yours or further anger him (although it should also be noted that verbal abuse, should it progress that far, is never acceptable.) Five steps for creating a more positive communicating environment are: 1. Learn to feel and communicate empathy. 2. Practice withholding judgment. 3. Strive for honesty 4. Approach others as equal.5. Express your opinions tentatively. If you and your husband could both work on these five communication skills you may find that you are able to better communicate your issues with one another and prevent your arguments from escalating.
A positive step that you made first and foremost was seeking the advice of others here on this message board. This simple step shows that you want to improve the communication between you and your husband and in turn improve your relationship. After trying the five steps mentioned above, counseling may also be something that you may consider and with the help of a therapist you can mediate your problems and work on repairing your relationship.
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Re: Temper

Postby rbell » Sun Dec 02, 2012 5:40 pm

Hi Jill, it seems to me that your husband has an anger problem. It’s common for someone to build up anger and then finally go off on something simple. I have a few questions. What are the primary reasons for him getting worked up? Is it marital issues or issues such as his job that have nothing to do with you? The root of the problem are the issues that are causing you’re husband to get worked up.

My psychology teacher taught me about displacement, which is “the redirection of aggression to a target other than the source of the frustration. Generally, the new target is a safer more socially acceptable target. Displacement occurs in an old anecdote about a man who, humiliated by his boss, berates his wife, who yells at their son, who kicks the dog, which bites the mailcarrier.” This is common in many people; you may have felt it from time to time.

If you are truly not the cause of your husbands anger than displacement could be a plausible answer. His stresses or frustrations are being taken out on a safer target which is you, his wife. You may also see him exhibit the same behavior to other people close to him. Displacement is probably not the cause of every fight or argument. It’s worth keeping in mind that you sometimes are not the primary cause of the anger but someone he happens to take it out on.

This problem doesn’t seem to be a very difficult one. It seems to me you have a loving husband that doesn’t intend to hurt you but sometimes his anger gets the best of him. By admitting he is wrong and apologizing is a very good sign for you that he truly wants to change. The best thing for you to do is to express your feelings about the situation. Find the root of his frustrations and support him with finding a way to fix them before they build up. If talking to him one on one simply isn’t enough therapy is also something to look into. I hope you find this encouraging and helpful.
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Re: Temper

Postby sl1fer » Mon Dec 03, 2012 4:00 pm

Hi Jill,

You have been with your husband for 3 years and he "has a bad temper." He usually lets things build up and lose it on something small. Afterwards,he usually apologizes because he recognized that it was uncalled for. You want to prevent situation like these from happening. What's his ethnic background? How often does he "lose it"?

There are two theories that I want to discuss. If my assumption of his ethnic background is from a different culture from yours, this theory would be the "Cross-Cultural Perspective." From my notes in Psychology Class, this is basically the study of psychological differences among people living in different cultural groups. Another theory that can help benefit you is called "Operant Conditioning." Operant Conditioning means a voluntary response that acts on the environment to produce consequences. According to Operant Conditioning, there's a reinforcement. Reinforcement is the occurrence of a stimulus following a response that increases the likelihood of the response being repeated.

If your husband is from a different cultural background, it is a POSSIBILITY that this is their norm. Perhaps, in his culture, it is okay for him to keep things to himself and let it all go when it is too much.

If you want to prevent these situations from happening, you can listen to your husband which, in turn, he shares what he is building up thus decreasing his state of being in a bad temper. The Operant and the reinforcement is you listening. Your reward for doing so is him being less likely to lash out his anger at you. This can also build a trust bond between you and your husband.
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