Already defensive

Already defensive

Postby rjblack9 » Wed Aug 26, 2009 7:50 pm

I attempt to communicate with my wife about our marriage and how to better it, she immediately states, "Why? in a week it goes back to the way things were before."
So how do I get past this so we can communicate and work towards bettering our marriage?
She quickly goes on the defensive, which doesn't leave me any room to work/improve things...
rjblack9
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Aug 28, 2009 7:57 pm

Your wife will tell you what she wants you to do to improve the marriage. Just she says it in a way that you don't catch on. So as she is talking make a list of what she wants you to do, or change. Then do or change what seems important or easy. The more easy things you do, is better than taking on one hard issues, siglemindedly.

What is your list of what you want your wife to chage or improve? Why can't you share the list here? Some of the things? I try to make my requests short and simplified. I wait until my wife brings up the subject, or so9methign close to the subject, then put in my request. Women operate on being sensitive. So your wif wil try to be more considerate of what you have asked her about. If it is still important a month later, mention it again, and see if more improvement does not occour.

I would like my wife to rinse out the sink of footd particles and run the garbage disposal, before leaving the house, or going to watch TV. I object to food particles being left around on the counter, the sink basin and on dishes. I try to set an example by rinsing my dishes asnd the sink basin, before leaving he kitchen.



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ThunderHorse
 
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Same old...

Postby rjblack9 » Sun Sep 20, 2009 11:56 am

Let's give better insight: I had been focused on work and not on home life for about a year now, since my position at work changed. I dedicated all my effort to work, (not all my time) so when I get home I am tired and less than energetic. After about a year of this, and my wife occasionally asking me to see a medical person because to her, I was always down, unhappy, etc. (When it was mainly me being exhausted from work)
Now mind you when I was at home, I always wanted to please my wife, so if she requested something, I would do it, huffin' & puffin' but I did it (I know that's not the best way).
So now I am seeing a therapist and finding out its not all me, yes I really didn't have any hobbies outside of work but I am making efforts and adjusting my work and home life and making strides to even out my energy towards them.
So its been two months and my wife is telling me, so loves me but is not in love with me... and she doesn't know how to get it back.
Since my therapy sessions I have learned that I forgot how to take my wife on dates, we go out to dinner atleast once a week, BUT we take our child. So a few times since then, I have coordinated everything from reservations to babysitter and she enjoyed those dates, but still won't talk to me about our relationship to give me insight to what she wants. She stays upstairs doing her homework or watching TV, she doesn't come downstairs and she stays up later than I do. I end up getting up with our child every weekend and 2x during the week. Granted my job is a little flexible and she works once a week but is going to school. I have been bending over backwards to try and make things better but she is not doing anything to help me. No direction on her part
rjblack9
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Sep 21, 2009 5:09 pm

Men like to have companionship. It is nice to have a wife to share what you like.

What do you want taht you are not getting? Of all the things you are not getting, what is the most important?

How can you engineer getting what you want?

When is the most recptive time to apprach her? What words and aopproaches can you use in various stages of engagement?

Do you understand what I mean by listening unconditonally for 15 minutes a day? Have you tried that? How have you failed to lsten unconditionalyl? Never?

What do you criticize your wife about? How could you be more loving?


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