How to take notice

How to take notice

Postby lil4klift » Tue Sep 08, 2009 11:41 am

We have been married 7 years with 2 girls 1 and 4. I have had to take a second job and my wife complains that I don't communicate or pay attension to things in our family life. that I don't care about her or the girls only talking or reacting to things I like, like sports and bodybuilding. She complains work comes first and to me since I am the sole income it comes high on the list because I do it for my family not because I want to work. Still holds everything my family who are 800 miles aways says or does against me. I feel like I have to take her and her family and forget mine ever existed. I want to be able to come home and talk but a lot of the times I am to tired or have so much to do in such little time that it gets neglected. I am schedule orientated person and have suggested that we have certian times that are nothing but married times or family times. but if I don't take the lead in everything it's like it's not going to get done. She says our 4 year old acts the ways she does because she only see's us fighting. I try not to yell because most issues aren't worth the fight. to me providing for my wife and girls is my biggest concern. I am not the best communicator except if it's something I know a lot about. I just want a peaceful house, but at the same time I think it should a joint effort. Any thoughts

Also for background I come from 5 kids and my dad was only home 1 day a week because he had to work to provide for us. I didn't hold that against him and hoped I would never have to do it but life had it's cycles.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Sep 10, 2009 7:58 pm

Women want to spider web. Talk about things that seem unrelated to men, but women just need to integrate a number of unreated issues by talking about them.



Listen to women 15 minutes per day, minimum.

Listening is nearly silently listening, not problem solving listening

Comments during the listening period:

“I can see how you might feel that way.”

“ I can see how you really feel that way.”

“There are probably a lot of people who feel that way.” This means you disagree with her, but are not starting an argument. If a lot of people feel that way, that means that not EVERYONE feel that way, so that is your way of saying “You are probably wrong about that.”

Do not tell a woman she is wrong, or that her feelings are unjustified.


Letting a woman win at cards or some other game is the smartest move you will make all day long.


Do you have a honey-do list?

My wife wants me to paint he shutters, get rid of 3 broken bicycles, cut the grass, rinse off my dishes.

Make a list and do more of the simpler things.

Tonight I looked for the key for the lock for the 3 broken bicycles, could not find the key, strung out an extyension cord and ground off the lock, and tomorrow I will donate the bicycles. Not too tough.

I put some water in some dishes to soak.

You can hurt a woman but never slight her. What are some little things she wants? What is everything she has asked for in the last week? What simple requests have you overlooked?

My job to communicate with my wife, is to write out my request, simply, and wait till she brings up a related subject, then I ask her. Then I figure out how to ask her later, again, when she says no.

Most women have no interest in listening to anything their husbands have to say. You have to engineer a woman's attention.

Working and bringing home money is big and important, but women don't think big. Women just want small signs of attention, more frequently.




..
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Postby equus38 » Tue Jan 26, 2010 10:37 am

Hello,

The little things are very important to women. We often wonder why when we first meet you, your whole world revolves around us, you are excited to see us, you compliment us, you even flirt, but once we become a couple and start dealing with real life issues, all of that attention goes away. We are helpless to understand why we are not important anymore. We have a very difficult time translating your actions into emotion. I do not doubt you probably love you family more now than ever before, but does your wife believe it. Perception is very powerful.
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Re: How to take notice

Postby RelaxAndBreath » Sun Nov 25, 2012 2:53 am

Dear lil4klift,

It sounds like you would really like to communicate better with your wife, so you have a closer relationship and peaceful home. If I understood right, your wife is upset because you do not spend much time with her and your two children. I know you said you work two jobs because you love them and want to provide for them. You explained you do not have much time available because of work and feeling tired. I can relate to how exhausted and pressed for time you are; I use to work full time while attending my college courses and felt the same way. You also mentioned your wife said you only seem interested in sports and bodybuilding. Do you think you are spending too much time with these activities? If you cut down your time with sports etc., it would give you more time with your family and working on communicating better. If I misunderstood anything you said, please let me know.

While I read your post, I thought of something Dr. Haltzman suggests in his book, Secrets of Happily Married Men. He said, “Know your wife”. He goes on to explain that knowing your wife can help improve a relationship. Knowing your wife involves finding out what makes her tic: feel happy, feel understood, and feel loved. Dr. Haltzman states, “To you, working late might be your way of saying: I love you and take care of you. To her, it might mean you don’t care about the relationship”. Most of the time husbands and wives do not see things the same. You might think if something makes sense to me than it must make sense to her, but this is incorrect. She may have a differentiating view.

Dr. Haltzman’s advice fits in with your situation, because if you can understand your wife better you will be able to communicate better. In addition, if you pay attention to the example about working late, you will see it is almost identical to your case. In both situations, the reasons for working long hours were love. Remember your wife may not see things the same way you do, for example how working two jobs shows your love. It is important to put yourself in her shoes.

Find out what makes your wife “tic”. Then, put it into action. Perhaps giving your wife time to vent about her concerns would help her feel heard. When you spend time with your kids try playing their favorite game with them; show enthusiasm. I think it is great that you realize something needs to change. The first step in solving a problem understanding it and accepting what is wrong. Then you can try to change it.

Best wishes.
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Re: How to take notice

Postby equus38 » Sun Nov 25, 2012 11:42 am

Dear lil4klift,

I recommend showing your post to your wife and let her read some of the responses you agree with. That will show her you are very serious about your family and it will help start the lines of communication between you both.
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Re: How to take notice

Postby lighthouse » Sun Nov 25, 2012 10:28 pm

If I understood you correctly, it sounds like you’re the only one putting any effort into this marriage and you want things to become better for a peaceful home and a stronger marriage. It also sounds like there is tension between you and your wife due to the fact that you are working two jobs, to provide for them, and do not spend enough time at home. It seems like your wife is taking you for granted and is causing you to feel pressured because if you don’t work, you will lose everything. I think she needs to realize how hard you are working and give you a break. I am also feeling some of the pressure you are feeling; I’m taking 5 classes this semester and just started a new job with at least 25 hours a week. You just have to keep saying “hakuna matata” and keep going. If I misunderstood or insulted you in anyway, please let me know.

In my Social Psychology class this past week, we were discussing Dr. Haltzman’s book, Secrets of Happily Married Men, and there was a passage in it that I read about that applies to you. I think what he writes in his book is very good advice for your situation. Dr. Haltzman states, “If something works for me, it must work for my wife, right? Wrong. It’s likely that your wife and you see practically everything differently.” Dr. Haltzman makes a good point on the communication aspect of the situation, “A bouquet of flowers may not mean much to you, so it may seem like a colossal waste of money to send them. But that’s not the way your wife sees it

I think you should look into Dr. Haltzman; his perspective may help you out more than you think. When he talks about men thinking women are like them, no offense to you, but I disagree. I believe men think that women are as easy to please as men are; but sorry to tell you, we’re not. Maybe, to get your wife to calm down a little, you could send her chocolates or bring home a gift. Surprise your wife, show her you still care. Show her that the reason you’re working so late is because you love her and want her and your girls to be happy. She may start to turn around and see your perspective.

I believe if you take Dr. Haltzman’s and my advice, things should start to look up. Try to get home as soon as possible after work so you can have this time with your family. It may not seem like it now, but you’re going to miss these days. Enjoy your girls while they are young, and show your wife how much you still love her.
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Re: How to take notice

Postby GeneralPsych » Wed Dec 04, 2013 6:46 pm

Hello there,
It sounds like you would really like to communicate better with your wife, so you have a closer relationship and peaceful home. If I understood right, your wife is upset because you do not spend much time with her and your two children? I know you said you work two jobs because you love them and want to provide for them. You explained you do not have much time available because of work and feeling tired. You also mentioned your wife said you only seem interested in sports and bodybuilding. Do you think you are spending too much time with these activities? If you cut down your time with sports etc., or let them in on the sports intake, it would give you more time with your family and working on communicating better.

While I read your post, I thought of something my psychology professor said to help improve a relationship. Knowing your wife involves finding out what makes her tic: feel happy, feel understood, and feel loved. Dr. Haltzman states, “To you, working late might be your way of saying: I love you and take care of you. To her, it might mean you don’t care about the relationship”. Most of the time husbands and wives do not see things the same. You might think if something makes sense to me than it must make sense to her, but this is incorrect. She may have a differentiating view. A husband and wife will think differently if you do not communicate in the first place. Always talk to you wife no matter when it is or even if you have five minutes.

Dr. Haltzman’s advice fits in with your situation, because if you can understand your wife better you will be able to communicate better. In addition, if you pay attention to the example about working late, you will see it is almost identical to your case. In both situations, the reasons for working long hours were love. Remember your wife may not see things the same way you do, for example how working two jobs shows your love. It is important to put yourself in her shoes.

My advice to fix your problem is find out what makes your wife “tic”. Then, put it into action. Perhaps giving your wife time to vent about her concerns would help her feel heard. When you want to spend time with your kids try playing their favorite game with them; show enthusiasm. I think it is great that you realize something needs to change. The first step in solving a problem understanding it and accepting what is wrong. However always pay attention to your wife and kids no matter if it's five mintues or five seconds, always show that you are there for them even when your rushing to get ready for that first or second job.
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