Transfers blame to others

[equus38]

Hello,

This is my first post and I am hoping for some insight into why my husband blames others.
He is the first person to say that everybody needs to take responsibility for their own actions and I agree.
But when he has done something wrong, never outrageous, he blames the other person or company. Why does he do that? How can I tell him he has this habit without making him angry since he seems to be defensive about his own behavior anyway?
Example, our gas bill had not been paid for 6 months. He pays all the bills in the household. He was receiving an electronic bill sent directly to his e-mail. He said he never received the bill because it went to his spam account. He blamed the company for not notifying him sooner and if they could not run a good business he was not responsibie for the oversight.

Why would he preach about personal responsibility if it does not apply to him?

[RBank]

My mother is the exact same way. First to preach and never ever wrong. Example, she got a DUI and it is somehow my fault because she drove our mutual friend home after we had all had something to drink and I didn't drive him home.
Transference is a real issue and needs to be handled by a professional. Try counseling. However, this behavior is hard to undo.

[ThunderHorse]

Check out Narcissistic personality disorder. Tough.

[StarTour]

Hi Equus38,

I'm a lot like your husband. It's a tough problem to admit you have. It's hard to solve as there can be combining factors. It can be rooted in some deep thought patterns. Ones he probably don't know he even has. For me it was:

FEAR. Fear of being judged. Crazy I know. In a discussion I'd feel "less" than the person who I had to account to. There's subtle pain in blame. So I'd shift the blame away. It was less painful than having to work thru the mistake.

Along with fear of blame, there was fear of LOSS. Loss of respect. Loss of love. What if you think of me differently after this. Ultimately this could cause me to loose LOVE. Those stakes are too high, so again, shift the blame away.

After years of living that way, one day I thought to myself how liberating it would be to not care what other people think. That's another part of the problem. Caring what other people think of you.

I remember where I was when I gave "taking blame" a try. I was in my bosses office at work and after discussing a certain problem I said, "that was my fault". It was like the earth stopped rotating. His jaw dropped and he said, "I totally respect you for saying that".

That positive response from my boss helped me see I didn't need to be afraid of blame. In fact it showed I had integrity. A positive stroke for me.

Knowing I had that problem I wanted to keep my kids from having the same one. So I tell them look, you made a mistake, it's no big deal, everybody does. Take it like a man and move on. They're pretty good at taking ownership as I compliment them for "owning it".

They take their "punishment" (loss of the cell phone, etc.,), but they know it's not personal. They know they're still loved. I tell them owning it makes them more of a man and there is nothing to fear. Only integrity to gain.

Hope some of this helps.

[ThunderHorse]

I remember where I was when I gave "taking blame" a try. I was in my bosses office at work and after discussing a certain problem I said, "that was my fault". It was like the earth stopped rotating. His jaw dropped and he said, "I totally respect you for saying that".

That positive response from my boss helped me see I didn't need to be afraid of blame. In fact it showed I had integrity. A positive stroke for me.

Knowing I had that problem I wanted to keep my kids from having the same one. So I tell them look, you made a mistake, it's no big deal, everybody does. Take it like a man and move on. They're pretty good at taking ownership as I compliment them for "owning it".

.

At my work, my bosses seem to enjoy when I admit that I was part of a problem, or part of a dely in finding a solution. I feel confident in the level of my contribution at work, but I look for opportunities to find fault with myself. It seems to make them happy.

I try to keep in mind compliments for my bosses.



,,

[RBank]

Take that knowledge (KNOWLEDGE IS POWER) and use it in the other parts of your life, not just work. You may find that it helps you in a lot of relationships, new and old. I am.

[Coalminer]

Hello,

This is my first post and I am hoping for some insight into why my husband blames others.
He is the first person to say that everybody needs to take responsibility for their own actions and I agree.
But when he has done something wrong, never outrageous, he blames the other person or company. Why does he do that? How can I tell him he has this habit without making him angry since he seems to be defensive about his own behavior anyway?
Example, our gas bill had not been paid for 6 months. He pays all the bills in the household. He was receiving an electronic bill sent directly to his e-mail. He said he never received the bill because it went to his spam account. He blamed the company for not notifying him sooner and if they could not run a good business he was not responsibie for the oversight.

Why would he preach about personal responsibility if it does not apply to him?

Hello Equus38
I am new to the forum and noted your post. I have a similar situation where I have a tendency to blame others for what happens. It seems to be something, I can not identify yet, but it is taking responsibility for your actions.
You mentioned the gas bill and your spouse blamed the utility company rather then saying something like " I should have checked the spam folder and should have known the bill was not paid recently, my fault"

Anyway, I do the same thing so I know where he is coming from.
My significant other talks to me daily about this and I still revert back to finding someone, something to blame rather then saying - "You know, I did that, it was my fault, and wonder why did I blame others"

I think the older you get the harder it is to change this behavior???

What are we afraid of??
Coalminer

[kpmcmullen]

So you say your husband blames others when he does something wrong? He tells everyone to take responsibility for their own actions, when he can’t take responsibility for his own actions? When you try to bring up the situation he gets defensive about it and doesn’t agree? Have you suggested any forms of help to him? Does this anger occur often? The more often you bring up his actions and examples the more he may start to realize what he is doing. It sounds like he doesn’t realize his actions or doesn’t choose to believe them.
What he could be presenting is called aggression displacement which is the redirection of aggression to a target other than the source of the frustration. Dr. Misiurski explains about this feature there could be a reason at work most likely that could be creating this anger and his is taking it out on people or companies.
Maybe explaining this theory could change him or his actions. There are reasons for this kind of aggression that could make more sense for why he is presenting this anger. Where there signs of this aggression before you were married and just dating?
The Secrets of Happily Married Women by Scott Haltzman M.D can explain more about “knowing your husband”. He explains how to learn the qualities and personality of your husband. He also explains about how to care for your husband when needed. There are reasons for his actions and his aggressions. Keep working with him and try and figure out the source of the problem.
References: The secrets of happily married men, Scott haltzman M.D, mcgraw- 2006 by the McGraw-hill companies,inc. All rights Hill reserved

[sharethelove]

It appears as though your husband has a hard time taking blame for things that are actually his fault. How many times have you tried to discuss this issue with him? Has he always had a temper when you approach him about these types of issues? Have you tried kindly asking him why it is he does this? When discussing delicate matter I find that the way you say things can really dictate the way a conversation is going to go.
Your husband could have learned that behavior from a parent, guardian or sibling. According to Freud’s psychoanalytical approach, early childhood experiences shape unconscious motivations. For example, Freud believes that if a child is exposed to things at an early age that they will then in turn become that way when they are older. He believes that if a child sees his father hit his mother, the child will grow up to be an abuser.
If your husband had a sibling who when they were young was always blaming him for their mistakes, it is likely that he picked up on that behavior and is now expressing that behavior in his adult life. Your husband may not even know he’s doing it. Freud says that these early experiences drive your unconscious motivations. Your husband could very well not realize that he is behaving this way, or probably doesn’t know why.
My advice to you it to calmly talk to your husband about his behavior. As I stated before the tone of your voice really does set the tone of the conversation. So long as you keep calm and don’t use an accusing tone, he should stay calm himself. For example when he said that it was the company’s fault that the bill went into his spam folder in his email, you could say “I’m sure it wasn’t the company who put the email into your spam account, maybe next time when you’re paying bills you could double check your spam folder just to make sure nothing is missed.”

[Karma4]

Your husband is always quick to blame others and is also first to say everybody needs to take responsibility for the own actions. Blaming other people for something that he has done is contradicting his own beliefs. Is your husband somebody who always wants or tries to be right? Do you think your husbands gets embarrassed when he is wrong so blames someone or something else to make him feel better about him self? Have you calmly tired talking to your husband about this?

When discussing the situation the way you say it can have a lot to do with the outcome of the conversation. Communication is a huge part of a marriage. Your husband could have learned this behavior or uses it to over come his insecurities. For example he could be experiencing self monitoring which Dr. Misiurski states it is when you are use to the way someone presents them self in a social situation so they adjust their performance to create the desired impression wanted or needed for the situation. Your husband may be someone who is most of the right so when making a mistake he uses to blame to hide the situation.

Maybe asking him if anything is bothering him or if you can help with anything before discussing the situation at hand may make him more open to the idea of him listening. Don’t start right off by saying he is wrong. Your husband might not even know he is doing this. The Secrets of Happily Married Women by Scott Haltzman M.D can explain more about “knowing your husband”. He explains how to learn the qualities and personality of your husband. He also explains about how to care for your husband when needed. There are reasons for his actions and his aggressions. Keep working with him and try and figure out the source of the problem.

In my opinion I would first start of talking to him about something else that he would enjoy talking to lift his mood. Then ask him about his day at work and life in general to see if you can see an underlining issue. Then slowly move into to the topic. Ask him if a test question and see if he turns around and starts to blame. Find out if he realizing he is really is blaming others. Show him that everyone makes mistakes and no ones perfect and needs to be. Let him know that you your self makes mistake and you do believe that taking responsibility for your actions really helps you be a better person. Everyday is a new day. The best teacher is your last mistake.

[livelaughlove18]

Hello, so let me get this straight, your husband is irrationally blaming others for his actions and yet he believes people should be responsible for their actions? This is actually very common among married couples, relationships, and in general. I believe we all tend to fall into the “don’t blame me I’m innocent” circle sometimes without even realizing it. However, we all differ in how we approach a situation and how the aftermath is controlled in a certain situation. I also believe we tend to shift the blame because we fear what the outcome will be if we ourselves endure the consequences which I will further explain.

In this case, your husband might be experiencing diffusion of responsibility. Basically, this is when someone does not take the actions or words they are clearly responsible for. Like you had stated in your example about blaming the electric company for being late on his payments is clearly showing that he does not like taking the responsibility for major problems that occur in life. Now, what is interesting is how his superego is not activating and making him feel as though what he is doing is wrong. The superego is a part of us that makes us feel guilty for something we did or said. My professor says that the person’s predisposition towards a certain situation is their attitude which means that your husband has a set plan as to when a problem arises. Also, Dr. Scott Haltzman states that it is important to accept what we do no matter what the consequences especially when we are involved with another person.

Another theory could be he is expressing regression from his childhood? Maybe he was blamed early in life for certain things that he didn’t cause and now he is reflecting on that and reciprocating those actions or words on others. It is important to put yourself in his shoes and adhere to some of the feelings and responsibilities so you can understand as to why he is acting this way. Another question would be is this constant? When this does occur what is the responsive tone and actions after gently explaining to him what he is doing and maybe how he can work on it.

If I was in your position I would sit him down and explain what is occurring but do not blame him directly or the patterns will continue as they are now. Basically, help him realize what he is doing by telling him to open up to you and talk to you. Freud analyzed the method of “free association” which is when you start talking and it leads to a word or phrase that will link to the problem and help the person recognize it, is very effective. So try and get your husband to talk to you more about his everyday life, I hope this works for you and that this was helpful for you. If there is one quote that I believe will aid you with your husband’s problem it is this, Audrey Hepburn once said, “ Nothing is impossible, the words itself says im possible.”