My Wife Hates Me

[Kris]

I have been married 5 years and I told myself that I was never getting divorced. I grew up in a loving home with a close family. My wife grew up without a mother and lived with the very wicked step mother. I consider myself a good looking man, modest, charming, and social. My wife hates leaving the house, hates me and finally told me that she does. I have never done a thing to her except try and be her other half but she wants to do everything herself. When we got married our relationship was good. Once she was pregnant she changed. No affection, nothing. After the baby was born, she didn't even sleep in the same room as me for over a year, no sex, no kissing, nothing. I made us go to counciling but she stopped going and things gradually got better. Now it is 3 years later and she just had our second child and it all started over again. She won't talk to me, no affection, won't even stay in the same room as me. I have done everything I can think of for her, but even if I do something really nice - I see a smirk like she wants to be happy and then she flips 180 and gets even more distant from me. A couple days ago I finally ask her if she wants a devorce and she would not answer me. I found an email to one of her friends and it basiclly stated that she would leave me but could not afford it, so she is just pretending to care about me but actually wished I would die. She doesn't work, just takes care of 2 beautiful girls and is wonderful to them. I have a good job, and we have a new home. Everything that she has ask me for she has gotten. I really can't take this any longer. What am I doing wrong?

[elizacol]

It very well may be that you are doing nothing wrong. If you've reflected upon your behavior, and your wife cannot tell you any one thing you are doing wrong, other than, "I hate you", then the problem lies within her.

It sounds like a very difficult situation.

You should at least ask her if you've done anything wrong and/or what you could do better. Honestly, it sounds like she has issues. Was post-partum depression ever diagnosed? I don't have much experience with it, but...

As well, it could be issues stemming from her childhood. I know with my H, his childhood greatly impacted his adulthood.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It doesn't sound fun at all!

[ThunderHorse]

Maybe you are solving too many problems for her.

Maybe give her some distance.

Maybe she can feel better about herself, by knowing she is tormenting your good nature.

Intamcy can be managed in stages of arousal.

You are mixing marriage and intimacy. Sometimes that does not work. If she is taking care of the kids and the house, that is an important aspect of marriage.

If you are not gettign sex in your marriage, then that is a separate strategy.

Your wife sounds co-dependent. You need to manage her trips on you.

Hating you, wanting you to die, and only living with you because she is too lazy to get a job, all sound like childish games.

TA, is Transactional analysis. The idea is to find an adult response to her childish moves. Avoid assuming the Parent Role or the Child role. Your wife sounds so challenging, that you may need a counselor or two for yourself, just to be able to keep your own sanity, in that marriage.

I startled my wife last night, but I was trying to let her know I was coming into the room. My wife bumped a table, when I surprised her, and a candle holder got broken. My wife went off on me, in much the manner you descrirbe, perhaps Parent, Perhaps Child, but not Adult Equal.

So I gave her some space, and aproached her a few times in the evening, but backed off after not too long, each time.


So re-approach, and back off.

You sound disappointed that you have to back off too often. Maybe make your timing and approach more effective. When is your wife most approachable? How can you change yourself to approach a her most receptive moments.


..

[ThunderHorse]

I have been married 5 years and I told myself that I was never getting divorced. I grew up in a loving home with a close family. My wife grew up without a mother and lived with the very wicked step mother. I consider myself a good looking man, modest, charming, and social. My wife hates leaving the house, hates me and finally told me that she does. I have never done a thing to her except try and be her other half but she wants to do everything herself. When we got married our relationship was good. Once she was pregnant she changed. No affection, nothing. After the baby was born, she didn't even sleep in the same room as me for over a year, no sex, no kissing, nothing. I made us go to counciling but she stopped going and things gradually got better. Now it is 3 years later and she just had our second child and it all started over again. She won't talk to me, no affection, won't even stay in the same room as me. I have done everything I can think of for her, but even if I do something really nice - I see a smirk like she wants to be happy and then she flips 180 and gets even more distant from me. A couple days ago I finally ask her if she wants a devorce and she would not answer me. I found an email to one of her friends and it basiclly stated that she would leave me but could not afford it, so she is just pretending to care about me but actually wished I would die. She doesn't work, just takes care of 2 beautiful girls and is wonderful to them. I have a good job, and we have a new home. Everything that she has ask me for she has gotten. I really can't take this any longer. What am I doing wrong?

Are you putting an emotional charge on your disappointment that your wife stops talking to you for a year after each child? Do you complain to your wife that she often does not want to talk to you?

My opinion is that it is a husband's job to Offer to listen, for 15 min a day, two to four times a day. My wife often does not wish to talk. Sometimes she does wish to talk. I feel good about myself, if I have offered to listen. Do you have a pocket clanedar? A calendar at work? Make a check next to OTL, Offered to listen, 7 AM, 9 PM. "Honey it is 15 minutes till the news comes on, anything coming up with the childern I should be thinking about?" Chapter 4 of the SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED MEN book.


You speak of your two beautiful girls, which implies that your wife should be over-joyed with two children. Women have mixed feelings about more children. When the child arrives, they are transfixed and motherhood set in. But resentment about the amount of women's work invovled in raising a child, may spill over in resentment toward the Husband. Planning a family, is something you do not discuss in your post. You knew from your first child's first year, that motherhood created resentment toward you, from your wife.

What is your family planning decision making process for a third child? What was your family planning process for your second child?

You do not seem to take any ownership of your decsion to have each child, and the extra work in child raising involved for your wife.

You speak about an Evil Stepmother, like if your wife does not want more children, then she is mentally unbalanced. If your wife does not want to talk to you, she is mentally unbalanced. If your wife disagrees with you in an way, she is mentallly unbalanced.

How many children do you feel your wife is obligatged to raise? How many Downs syndrome babies should your wife bring to term? Is a migrant farm worker wages an acceptable goal for your next child? President Bush said there is a need for workers in low wage jobs. Do you agree? Does your wife agree?



..

[Baset]

You should at least ask her if you've done anything wrong and/or what you could do better. Honestly, it sounds like she has issues. Was post-partum depression ever diagnosed? I don't have much experience with it, but...

As well, it could be issues stemming from her childhood. I know with my H, his childhood greatly impacted his adulthood.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It doesn't sound fun at all!

[IAmTheThinkingWoman]

Postpartum depression anyone? Some women cannot emotionally give to more than one person at a time after the birth of a baby. It may be hormonal, or learned defense of self, or perhaps Mother Nature's way of conception control. The fact that it dissipated when the first child was a year old indicates to me that once the intensity of caring for the child had abated a bit, the woman was more able to reach out to her man again.

This could be okay once the children reach a certain age and woman can re-kindle the marriage fire.

But woman could also be emotionally full with caring for her children and be uninterested in resuming relations with any man.

Time will tell.

[thetruth3]

Your post stated that you’ve been married for five year, and you told yourself that you will never get divorce. You grew up in a close family when your wife, on the other hand, grew up without a mother and lived with her “wicked step mother”. The problem started when she got pregnant for the first time. She gave you no affection, and after the baby was born, she didn’t sleep in the same room as you. For over a year, no sex, no kiss nothing. Things got better after counseling. Three years later, she had the second child and it was back to square one.
This is a case of misunderstanding. Dr. Misiurski said that misunderstanding each other more often is an addition to unhappy couples, which leads to divorce. If you have no conflict in the marriage that could also cause a divorce, and that I have learn by experience.
I am going to tell you what you’re doing wrong; you’re getting her pregnant. She’s afraid that if something happened to her, her children are going to get a really wick step mother and she doesn’t want that for her daughters. To put this plainly she’s protecting her kids from you. Tell her your there for her, and you’re not going to let anyone hurt them she her that the girls and her means everything to you give her you love and don’t push too hard and in time, your wife will be happy again.

[Dobertel]

It is difficult to try and place myself in your shoes. This is quite a situation. I personally have never heard of one similar. Your wife is as distant as she could possibly be while living under the same roof as you. Firstly I think you have to ask yourself if you want to be with this woman still and put a lot of effort into your marriage.
If you do indeed wish to stay this is what I suggest. In a psychology class I am taking we have discussed intimacy and marriage quite a bit. Marriage is a two way road. Both parties have to want it to work. From the email you read it does not sound like you wife cares anymore for the well being of the marriage. I would try and sit down with her and put all the cards on the table. Tell her how you feel. Ask how she feels. Communication is the key to success. It does not sound like your marriage consists of much communication which may be the reason for the failure.
Hopefully you and you wife are both able to open up to each other. If this does happen I think you will be able to communicate the issues of the marriage. Also you will be able to communicate what went wrong and how to make each other happy so it does not take a wrong turn again. Good luck.

[Sosorry]

I don't know where to start. I am in so much pain, not because I have been wronged, but because of the pain I have caused her. I am not whole without her, but that is a point of contention too. I need to be whole by myself. We have a 9 year old son. Together for 11 years but never married. I love her with my soul. but she can't stand me. I am unemployed and looking for work. Life style sucks. She is graduating with a PhD soon. I am faithful but never a good provider. I am taking all the blame. Just trying to the right thing all the time and failing. What do I do? i don't want to lose her.

[robjohn]

I need some really good advice. I am in major trouble. My wife hates me, so it seems. She left, we're still married, but it's going to colapse if I don't do things right. I think. We have 3 young kids. I love them all very much. But i've been a poor provider, like our whole marriage. I had some good moments, but my head has been in the clouds most of my life. I really want to change and do great things for my family, but I messed up really bad. I didnt finish school as a kid, and moved into crumby jobs, after dropping high school. I've kinda been there ever since.

A product of divorce.we met and married quick. Had our first quick. Then our second. Then our third. Struggling the whole way. She was amazing to me, a kind, sweet girl. I tried and still try with all my might but I fail a lot. And when I do it's usually big. We love our kids, they are our lives. I adore my wife. She is on my mind always, and knows it. My father, who wasnt always around died 2 years ago. Everything got worse. I lost a good paying job when he did. We lost our home. We tried to stay with family. We went homeless for half a year. We stayed with friends. She started working. I got a few contracts. And we got another home. Lost it very quick within a few mos. I wasnt working. Stress grew. Tempers flared. She was very unhappy with me. Devastation came and swept it all away. She wanted to leave. I reacted wrong. I thought she was wrong.

I thought she might be with another. I dont know that I think that now. She put the law between us, the next day. I have not always mistreated my wife, but I scared her terribly. Now I have had 6 months to try and do things right but instead I fell apart the day she walked out. I have not fully recovered. I tried during that time, but when she was mean or different, it confused me. I have spent the whole time being really sad. And now I see what a coward I might have always been. A lazy schmuck. My heart doesnt match with my life. M

y life actions are almost always opposite of what im feeling, or what I should do. I lost my kids, my wife, and broke down badly, scrambling everyday for help. Ive lost more trying to get help rather than doing everything for myself and keeping my mouth shut. I lost the friends, the church, the family. The valuable things god gave us to get along. I really, really, really, went too far with pain and self pity. I have never known such pain. She won't talk now.

The sex is gone, no talking, anything. (im poor and uneducated so im very scared to end up like my dad. This is almost exactly what happened in his life. It was my greatest fear.)The whole thing is gone. But, I for some reason in my heart I believe she has still not given up. Our aniversary is next month. I doubt she will celebrate it, nor see me. I'm at a very dark hour, but want it all to change. We were so different than all of this in my mind. I never thought things would go like this. Now I see though just how irresponsible I have been with everything. 6yrs marriage 3 wonderful kids ages 5, 4, 2 how does a mess like me get my woman and family back? I didnt see how bad things were! How come she did? Please- someone be a sage, a prophet, a mentor, a messenger of good. I only ask for advice on the truly best way to lead now, to step up, and guide my family back into my arms. Things I said used to be what mattered but now I see that life is way more. Help! Help! Help! Im not even 30 yet! I gotta get my family back! Thats all I want!

[RPCCCRI]

The problem I gather from reading your story is that your wife seems really unhappy with your relationship and she continuously avoids making the situation better between the two of you. It sounds like your trying as hard as you can to make her happy but she’s not meeting you half way with anything. It also sounds to me like she has had a really hard childhood with her stepmother. Maybe she is feeling as though she may turn out to be a mother to her children the way her stepmother was towards her. Could it be that your wife is upset because both pregnancies where unplanned? Is it possible that she didn’t want kids at all? Could she have post-pregnancy depression? Is the problem that your wife feels like her friends are more understanding towards her then you are?
Dr. Scott Haltzman is a board certified psychiatrist and specializes in marriage and committed relationships. As an assignment for my general psychology class, I was asked to “like” his Facebook page and relate one of his posts to an article (I picked yours). As one of his statuses, Dr. Haltzman writes “Think about the times you or your partner have said (or thought), ‘My friends know what I need better than you do,’ or ‘My friends stand by me when you don’t.’ These thoughts emerge from an assumption that the least your partner ought to be capable of is knowing what you need. Whenever I think about this comparison to friends, I think of what author and marriage therapist Patricia Love says on the subject: ‘Now, try telling your friends that they are obligated for the rest of their lives to stand by you, understand your needs, and provide sympathy and support. Then see what happens.’” His quote is explaining that some people in relationships may feel as though their friends know them better, or their friends always have their back when their partner doesn’t. But, Dr. Haltzman then quotes a marriage therapist named Patricia Love who brings up the point that friends aren’t obligated to stand by your side, understand your needs, and constantly provide sympathy and support like the way a spouse is supposed to do. Therefore, his point is that in reality, a person’s spouse is the one that always has their back, not their friends.
I feel as though this quote matches you story. The fact that your wife sent that email to one of her friends about you makes me feel as though Dr. Haltzman’s words were made to describe your situation. Your wife confides in a friend about not wanting to be in a marriage with you any longer, but she can’t seem to tell you to your face about what she is feeling. It seems as though she finds it easier to talk to her friends than you, her spouse. Your wife should read the quote from Dr. Haltzman because it could be an eye-opener towards her feelings and the way she treats you. Your wife needs to understand that, like Dr. Haltzman said, a person may feel like their friends are the ones that will always be there for them. But in reality a friend doesn’t have the lifelong commitment of standing by one’s side, understanding one’s needs, and providing sympathy and support for the rest of a lifetime like the endless job of a spouse. Your wife may think that it’s really her friends that she needs, but in actuality you are the one that has made the commitment to always stand by her side. Friends come and go throughout a lifetime, but spouses are in a person’s life to stay for the long run. For better or for worse, until death do you part.
My advice to you regarding your situation would be that you need to communicate with your wife about the e-mail. Sit her down and make her listen to the things that you need to say without a fight breaking out between the two of you. Try to understand why your wife is feeling the way that she is. Try to walk a mile in her shoes. With that being said, you have to get her to explain her reasoning behind the things that she does in any way that you can. Then ask her whether or not she wants to work things out between the two of you. You also need to explain to her your feelings so that she knows what she is putting you through. If I were you, I would try to make your wife attend therapy with you once again. This seemed to work for the two of you for a while before you had your second child together, and there is the possibility that it will work again. Also with therapy, there is the added benefit of having someone there to help mediate the conversation that goes on, making sure it doesn’t get out of hand and escalate into an argument and to ask questions and prompt conversation when things get dull. Lastly, if there was one more piece of advice that I could give to you, it would be to keep the conversations behind closed doors. I say this because you don’t want your daughters listing in on this kind of interaction; it may affect them as well.

[robinhood]

So my understanding is for the first couple years of your marriage, your relationship was normal, is this correct? Then as soon as she was pregnant her whole personality changed towards you. You chose counseling to try to fix your relationship after the birth of your first daughter, which seems to me as you were the only one making an attempt to fix what was wrong. You stated that she stopped going to counseling and afterwards things got better. Did she make an attempt on her own to communicate with you? How were things improved?
As Dr. Haltzman quotes in Secrets of happily married men "Most marriages that dissolve begin to unravel in the very first year. Do no underestimate the importance of spending time at home with your wife. Time together is proof that you care." Dr. Haltzman also says Disagreements happen in even in the best of marriages." "It is OK to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness and emotional withdrawal."
I feel as if you are doing everything right in the situation as you can. The love you have for her is obvious, but if she doesn't feel the same way, sadly, you can not make her love you back. I feel as if your wife chooses to just avoid you at all cost just so as you said she can't live on her own. She feels pushing you away makes it as your not even there to her.
I feel that the only way to solve this problem would be a divorce. If she states to her friends that should would be able to leave you in a heartbeat, there is no point in trying to make something work that you know never will. You can not make your wife love you if she isn't willing to put any effort in to the relationship. Also, I would try and leave the children out of this. As you said your wife grew up in a broken home and it wouldn't be fair to your children to make them feel that way.

[ampanda3]

Sorry to hear that your wife "hates" you. You say your relationship was good until you began having children. This behavior started after your first born child, and since then your wife does not want to speak or have contact with you. You admitted that progress had been made after the two of you attended couples counceling, but was short lived after your second child was born. You are also in no agreement with couples getting divorced.

There may be a problem with your wife in which Dr. Misuirski would say, stems from depression. The most common depression for women after childbirth would be Postpartum. This depression can become very dibilitating if it continues to go untreated. Has she ever been diagnosed with depression after your first child? Has she seeked help for herself at all?

In your case, you did receive a little "light at the end of the tunnel" after your first child was born when the two of you began attending counceling. Unfortunatley after child number two came along you found yourself back where you had started. You may want to take a step back and try to really evaluate how your actions could be affecting your wife. Your strong feelings for not getting divorced, may be so strong that instead of being there for your wife, you are pushing her away by forcing her to explain why she hates you and what she wants with your relationship.

If you really truely want to keep your family together, please make an attempt to try and erase what you think or have seen recently from her that turns you off. Try to think about the loving mother of your children and that she may actually need help or a major ego boost from her hubby. Try not to smother her with how you are unhappy and give her space, but compliment her whenever possible and let her know you still love her even if the feelings are not mutual at the moment. Slowly win her over the way you did when you two first met but do not push things because they are not moving at your rate. Get her some help, whether it be couples or individual help. Well i wish your family the best of luck. Take care. AP

[mmr92112]

The fact that your relationship was good until you began to have children may suggest that your wife may be going through depression. Depression after child birth is very common, the refer to it as "Postpartum" depression. It can become very debilitation if it is not treated. Maybe her seeking help and getting diagnosed can be a good start to getting better. Maybe private counseling may help for your wife, or if she were to get diagnosed with postpartum there are a number of prescription medications that could help.

Unfortunately, if your wife does not want to seek help and thinks nothing is wrong, nothing will get better. Maybe take a step back and try to re evaluate how you could be affecting her. Maybe giving her time alone to think and not hounding her with questions on why she hates you. That may be pushing her away and making her depression worse.

You could also try a night out, without your children. She may not be feeling so great about herself after two children. Maybe a night to get dressed up to make her feel beautiful again. Try to complement her as well. You don't need to over do it and continuously compliment because that can be an annoyance but try to show her she is the woman for you and you do love her even though she isn't showing the same emotion in return.

I hope things will get better for you, and hope you can save your family! - MMR

[BMH12089]

I don’t think your wife "hates" you. You say your relationship was good until you began having children. After your first born child, your wife does not want to speak or have contact with you. The short lived counseling progress was a step in the right direction.

There may be a problem with your wife in which my college Psychology professor would say, comes from depression. Postpartum depression is most common in women after childbirth. It’s debilitating if it continues to go untreated. Has she ever been diagnosed with depression after your first child? Has she gone looking for help? On her own time when she’s comfortable

Going to counseling was a good call on your part, unfortunately, your second child brought back unwanted memories. Even though it’s hard to stand back and watch a loved one struggle with something, it’s the best thing for both of you.


Think of the good times. Try to think about the loving mother of your children and what a wonderful wife she is. Don’t be super clingy, but just enough love and affection. Be the man she fell in love with. Best wishes. ☺