Bringing up the (not so happy) past

Should a married couple have Facebook accounts?

Yes, with unrestricted access
3
50%
As long as both partners have each others passwords
2
33%
No, its too dangerous to the relationship
1
17%
 
Total votes : 6

Bringing up the (not so happy) past

Postby lumpi_1986 » Sun Aug 08, 2010 6:47 am

I recently caught my wife red handed writing messages on facebook to another guy telling him how she missed having sex with him, and missed cuddling with him... this is now the 3rd time Ive caught her being in an emotional affair. I told her I was leaving her because I could no longer trust her around other men....

I had felt a long time ago that my wife showed signs of molestation and I finally, asked her if she had... Well she went into a big descriptive story of how her father would take her to a friends house with whom they called her uncle at the time, and when everyone left, he would force her to have sex with him.

Now my problem is with all the distrust that i have for her now, I dont know if she is just reaching out for pity (because i threatened to leave her), or if this is a major source of her problem being emotionally sexual with other men.

I was forced to go to a Psychiatrist by the military and he was very rude telling me I should just realize that my wife was "whoring" around and that I should stop sticking up for her and start pointing the finger at her instead of the other guys (with whom which are currently on this deployment with me, so i have to see them every day)

but if this is a problem that I should be worried about, how can I bring it up to her without making her defensive and sounding demanding, because after she first told me, I asked her if she would be willing to talk to someone else to get some help and she quickly responded "No, I dont want to talk, or think about it"

But I will add after I caught her she seems to be moving in the right direction, she deleted her facebook, and has given me her passwords to her other social accounts.
lumpi_1986
 
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Re: Bringing up the (not so happy) past

Postby WomansPntofView » Sun Dec 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Dear lumpi_1986
I am so sorry to hear that you and your wife are having problems. I know it is devastating when you cannot trust the one you love. The fact that she has such a heartbreaking past is also devastating and indeed makes matters more complicated and confusing for you. I am curious as to how long the two of you have been married though. Has your wife been having these emotional affairs for years?

I know that you caught your wife saying terrible things, and maybe she did want to do them. But the fact of the matter is that she clearly had the opportunity to be with these men and choice you over them. In my psychology class we were taught that poor communication is the leading cause of breakups. I’m sure talking to your wife very little by little about her pass may help you to understand why she does the things she does. In class I learn steps to effective communicating which will probably help.
1. Learn to feel and communicate empathy
2. Practice withholding judgment
3. Be honest with one another
4. Approach one another as equals
5. Express your feelings tentatively

Let me just say that from my own experiences I found that a relationship is like a brick wall. When you are in the dating stage you are building that “wall” and once you are married that “wall” should be strong and solid. If you lie, cheat, or have any type affair that damages the trust you have for one another, and when you do that, it puts cracks in the wall you are trying to build. In this case, the wall can only stand so strong, last so long with the cracks and punctures before it breaks and falls apart. Personally, I feel as though a relationship is the same way. You can only try to build on something broken for so long… and the fact of the matter is you cannot have a strong relationship with someone when the relationship was built on lies.
Best of luck,
WomansPntofView
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