Unconditional Listening Tips for Husbands

[ThunderHorse]

I need a list of some reminders to be a better listener for my wife to encourage her 15 Min per day of venting time.



Perhaps another term for letting a woman vent, is Unconditional Listening.

AVOID DISCOURAGING comments like, "I don't have to listen to this again, do I?"

Didn't we already discuss this?

Can't we talk about something else?

You know I don;t like to hear about.....

You know I disagree with those beliefs.




ENCOURAGING And just indicate non-commital interest, to keep her talking and venting,

"Oh Really"

I did not know about that.

That is almost unbelievable.

Can you tell me some more about that?



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[ThunderHorse]

LISTENING
From a post by socialdistortion:

1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... highlight=
3rd post




Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet






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[socialdistortion]

Dear Thunderhorse,

Do you really listen to your wife unconditionally for 15 minutes everyday? I think that is awesome. What does she say? Is this fun or painful? Does she know she is being timed? I don’t think I could talk or listen to anyone for 15 solid minutes…


Social Distortion


Ps- What about the other 23hrs 45 minutes?

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Thunderhorse,

Do you really listen to your wife unconditionally for 15 minutes everyday? I think that is awesome. What does she say? Is this fun or painful? Does she know she is being timed? I don’t think I could talk or listen to anyone for 15 solid minutes…


Social Distortion


Ps- What about the other 23hrs 45 minutes?

Before I understood that my wife was venting and connecting unrelated thougths, it was painful for me, because I thought she was trying to be logical, and tried to respond with logic, in a logical framework.

Once I understood that Feelings, not logic, was the topic of conversation, then I could listen, without trying to fit my wife's comments into a logical framework.

I would ordinarily prefer to be doing something else, rather than listening to my wife discuss unconnected ideas, thougths, feelings, events, history, religion, etc., but I deliberately take time to listen to my wife, for at least 15 minutes. I will invite my wife to talk, several times a day, with the idea that I have 15 Minutes to spend listening to her. I leave for work, 15 Min early, so that if she wants to talk, I can listen for 15 minutes, without being late for work. So even saying goodbye to my wife, when leaving for work, is an invitation to talk for 15 Minutes.

If I am listening, and my wife asks me about my opinions, or engages in a give and take conversation, instead of only venting, I can egage in coversation for longer periods of time. It is rare that my wife is actaully interested in any of my thoughts.

Once I begin to wish I was doing something else, while my wife is venting, I start keeping track of the time, to be sure I have been listening for 15 Min. Once the 15 Min is up, I will make comments like. "Can you summarize your points. "What would you like me to remember?" or "What can we decide on later?" I have occasoinally let my wife know that she has a guaranteed 15 Min per day to vent. I hope that she appreciates that I consciously make time for her venting, and that she should feel unrestricted.

One of my challenges is when my wife tries Darwin's wife's strtegy of saying she wants me to have identical religious ideas, so that she is sure that I go to heaven, so she is sure that she will not spend eternity without me.

Since my wife usually goes to church at least twice per week, and the preachers try to be interesting in their sermons, so the preachers talk about ideas people have not heard about recently. Having listened to creative sermons within the last few days, my wife usually has a rich array of unconnected thoughts on religion. So if my listgening helps her, great. If my wife appreciates my help, that is nice too.

The other 23 hours is just shorter spurts of separated listening episodes. Hopefully, there are occasional interludes of affection. It seems to be easier for my wife to be more approachable, after venting. Sometimes she becomes withdrawn, and reflective after bringing up strong issues. But usually she is in a better mood after talking.



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[ThunderHorse]

Dear Thunderhorse,


Social Distortion


Ps- What about the other 23hrs 45 minutes?

There are two parts of my day, for my perspective on listenting to emotional venting from my wife. The first part of the day, is offering to listen. This mode starts on waking up, and stays in effect until 15 minutes of venting has occurred. Some days, that is the whole day, when less than 15 Minutes of venting happens. Other days, 15 min of venting has occurred by 10 AM, Noon or dinner. Whatever time the 15 Minutes has been achieved, then I shift to polite listening, but do not seek, or offer, to listen. My objective of achieving 15 Minutes of listening has been achieved, for that day, and I can switch to being logical.




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[socialdistortion]

Dear Thunderhorse,

First, thanks for sharing. Now, I have a few unconnected, unorganized, illogical comments and questions for you…

Thunderhorse wrote-

It is rare that my wife is actaully interested in any of my thoughts.

What? How can she rarely be interested in your thoughts? Doesn’t this bother you? I recall you once wrote ‘sometimes I think my wife would rather watch soap operas than listen to me…” What is that? Don’t you have any common ground? Can she enlighten you in any way? Is there anything that you can connect on? There are some things about my spouse that are so genius that I just lay low and let them complete their task, knowing nothing I could add could help. Other things that are so retarded, I just shake my head slowly, smile, say ‘ok’ and look to the side.

Thunderhorse wrote-

I would ordinarily prefer to be doing something else, rather than listening to my wife discuss unconnected ideas, thougths, feelings, events, history, religion, etc., but I deliberately take time to listen to my wife, for at least 15 minutes.

Maybe you should just listen to her on speakerphone while you are driving and then you won’t really have to listen at all…

Thunderhorse wrote-

One of my challenges is when my wife tries Darwin's wife's strtegy of saying she wants me to have identical religious ideas, so that she is sure that I go to heaven, so she is sure that she will not spend eternity without me.

That is cute, she wants you to go to heaven with her. But do you realize that you will have to spend eternity listening to her for 15 minutes a day or at least while you are in purgatory? (ask for forgiveness now so you can skip this step).

Thunderhorse wrote-

Since my wife usually goes to church at least twice per week, and the preachers try to be interesting in their sermons, so the preachers talk about ideas people have not heard about recently. Having listened to creative sermons within the last few days, my wife usually has a rich array of unconnected thoughts on religion. So if my listgening helps her, great. If my wife appreciates my help, that is nice too.

Everyone religious person I know has scattered, unorganized, unconnected thoughts on their beliefs. I think that is the norm. Religion is so variable and abstract, like poetry except is never rhymes...

Thunderhorse wrote-

Once I understood that Feelings, not logic, was the topic of conversation, then I could listen, without trying to fit my wife's comments into a logical framework.

I think most women, especially when they are mad at their husbands become beautifully illogical, almost schizophrenic. Makes me feel bad for their husbands. If A, then B. C, therefore A… What the ****? But, you have a good approach, “This is not going to make any sense, so why try, just let her vent”. Good sport.

Thunderhorse wrote-

The other 23 hours is just shorter spurts of separated listening episodes. Hopefully, there are occasional interludes of affection.

Hopefully...


Sincerely,

SxDx

Ps- Does your wife know that you give marriage advice online? Does she ever read it?

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Thunderhorse,

SxDx

Ps- Does your wife know that you give marriage advice online? Does she ever read it?

Thanks for the feedback.

My wife knows that I post on line. Sometimes she reads over my shoulder. Mostly my perspective is to discuss marital issues, for the purpose of my personal self-improvement. I more suggest strategy options, on line, rather than actually advising Option A, versus Option B. My wife does not believe in self-improvement, so she is usually not interested in my posts. My aim is not only to address the issues of the person starting a thread, but also to discuss the issues related to the problem presented, in a general way, so that the discussion can be applied to a wider scope of situatuions,

I am interested to see that everyone posting a problem, on this forum,, receives some response. Also, if they post back again, that they get some additonal responses. Sometimes others seem to have addressed all the issuesraised, so the work is done.



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[socialdistortion]

Thunderhorse wrote-

I am interested to see that everyone posting a problem, on this forum,, receives some response. Also, if they post back again, that they get some additonal responses. Sometimes others seem to have addressed all the issuesraised, so the work is done.

That is so totally nice. I will support you on this (at least until I am no longer amused).

SxDx