Newlywed communication woes

[ta91b1200]

My Wife and I have been married for going on 9 months now and are struggling to communicate effectively with one another. My mind like our conversations seems to be going round and round in circles.

About me: Very logical, not overly sensitive, speak my mind and mean what I say kinda guy

About my wife: Emotional, more sensitive and feeling than me rather than thinking

Stereotypical relationship in my opinion. However we both are EXTEREMELY stubborn and hard headed, and we both recognize this. In our conversations I am more focused on the accuracy of what she is saying than the general point that she is trying to make, which makes it extremely difficult for her to get her point across because I am always asking for clarification. She interprets this as me sidetracking or trying to bypass what she is saying. I feel like she always dismisses what I have to say because what I say isn't what is important but how she interprets what I say is. It's not what I say but how she feels after listening to it.

We both have a horribly habbit of interrupting each other which leads to even more frustration on each others parts.

I am looking for general guidance on what to do, we are both at our wits end with this. It is severely hindering our marriage and I want us to be happy and understand one another.

Dazed and Confused in Texas

Thanks,

[ThunderHorse]

My practice is to give my wife up to a total of 15 minutes a day, to discuss any opinions she cares to discuss. Some wives may need more time, some less time, and some different amount of time on different days.

Do you give your wife ANY venting time?

If your wife is venting, and you are interrupting with logic, who is illogical ?

There are a number of threads on this forum regarding husbands learning to listen to their wives.

You can be stubborn. Just be stubborn about not giveing any of YOUR OWN opinions of evaluations. The purpose of male conversation is accuracy and problem solving. Your objective with your wife is to let her vent, and she will figure out any inaccuracies, if you just let her talk long enoug. Maybe take a few notes, if anything really needs to be corrected, and leave her a note. Why Interrupt? Where is the imminent emergency?



LISTENING

Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet


LISTENING


1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... highlight=
3rd post by Social Disgtortion










//

[ta91b1200]

While in college I took a communications class that discussed these types of topics in length. I believe I am very good about asking for clarification of what my wife is saying, however this is what makes her the most angry. She feels I am trying to undermine what she has said. She is an emotional being and speaks from the heart while I am very logical and try not to interpret peoples words into there feelings.

I have also tried simply stating I don't understand but by the third time she is trying to get her point across she is frustrated and angry.

How can I become a better listener without just giving in and just blindly agreeing with everything she says?

[ThunderHorse]

How can I become a better listener without just giving in and just blindly agreeing with everything she says?

Choose your words carefully, so as to express interest in what she is saying, but not really worrying that you actually, accurately understand what she is saying,

Venting has value to the person talking, whether or not he person being talked to, actually understands pecisely what the person who is venting, is saying.


Here is a thread on phrases for unconditional listening

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=451


Giving compliments to your wife as a means of encouraging conversation, without understanding, or agreeing with, the substance of her words.


http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477


The rigors of College training may be largely inapplicable to the skills that are helpul in encouraging venting, which may be the eptiome of illogic.

Communication is also partly attitude, or approach, like, I see how you would Hate, Love, Fear, be Angry about, or be sad about, that.

Perhaps find a way to be congenial, without achieving a feeling that you actually understand her meaning. Often we express our concerns for other people, by seeking to accurately understand their feeling and situation. But being an open ear, to the extent the person venting wishes to give detail, is a different goal.

Eggerich vividly describes the disjointedness of his wife's venting, and his urges, as a man, to solve her problems. To see if male problem-solving was the right response, he would ask something like, "Is this something you need me to work on, to find some solutions, or are you just mentioning these ideas in passing?




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[Kendra29]

Hello, I am curious of a few things: Did your relationship lack this much communication before you got married? If so, why did you get married then? In addition, if not what has changed in the way you communicate to get to this point. How long have you and your wife been together? Do you have any children?
I am currently taking a psychology class in college and my psychology teacher has said that husbands and wives struggle to balance the demands of work and family responsibilities. If your wife is dealing with stress at work, it can have significant impact on your marriage. Communication problems are the most frequently cited problems in couple’s. I believe you suffer from inadequate communication. Five communication patterns become risk factors for divorce. 1) Contempt 2) Criticism 3) Defensiveness 4) Stonewalling 5) Belligerence. Does your marriage suffer from any of these patterns? In Dr. Scott’s, book “The Secret to Happily Married Men” he says learn to listen “Men and women differ dramatically in verbal communication skills. The average woman uses the spoken word three times more frequently than the male of the species. For many women, verbalizing a feeling is more than communicating a thought; it’s a way to establish closeness.” He also says when your wife talks reflect back on what she says. Instead of jumping and interrupting her offering suggestions to the problem, simply ask her if she wants advice or your opinion. She might just want someone to listen.
Women are naturally very sensitive. My advice to you is to just stop and listen to her. Make her feel like she has your undivided attention and you truly are listening to her. Stop interrupting her that probably just frustrates her and makes her think you are not completely listening to her. I am sure it is no surprise that communication is one of the big keys to any relationship. The fact that you both are stubborn I am sure does not help your situation either. Think about it this way, though would it hurt if just once you were the bigger person and just let it go? I am a stubborn person myself and I have found in past relationships that sometimes you have be the bigger person and, just let things go. I do not think it is that what you say is not important to her. I think it is more that she might be just dismissing what you are saying like, she feels you do to her when she talks to you. Or perhaps try counseling? Hope this helps you a little.

[candle]

David Johnson 
Nov 20, 2011
Dr. Scott extra credit

I think your wife is not having a problem with going through the procedure

to give you both a chance at a child, but the lack of emotional support.

Many people shut down emotionally. I myself do at times because of fear of

being misunderstood by those I care about. My stress level increases

and I walk away because I feel threatened. Its a defense mechanism.

This is stinkin’ thinkin’. Maybe reading a book on strengthening your

communication skills might help. I find that speaking to each other with

non-threatening words is a powerful tool. Example of this you might say,

I feel, instead of, you make me feel like... What I am saying is consider one

another in your conversation, work on building trust, help each other to feel

safe, validate each other, the walls will come down.

Take time to talk about what your mate has just expressed before jumping

in with your own feelings, but please jump in. Express your emotions in a

healthy way.

[justmakeaneffort]

Dear ta91b1200,
Communication between two people can be difficult at any time in a relationship, especially when you are newlyweds because you are learning how to cohabitate with one another. You stated “we both have a horrible habit of interrupting each other which leads to even more frustration on each others parts.” Do you and your wife ever try taking turns talking? Letting one another fully say what they have to say without commenting until the other is done talking? Ever tried a talking stick? When my aunt and uncle were newlyweds they had the same problem that you and your wife are having. No one could complete a full sentence without interrupting the other. Their solution was whoever interrupted had to wash the dishes for the week. Have you ever tried making light of the situation like that?
The “honeymoon” phase is characterized by high levels of satisfaction but having communication problems is normal. In my psychology class, my professor; Dr. M taught us that “good communication enhances satisfaction in our relationships.” She was trying to tell us that in order to ensure happiness for those in relationships, one need to be able to say what’s on their mind. Holding in how one truly feels can lead to resentment and more marital problems down the road; which you don’t want. Dr. M, taught my class that “communication is not ‘one way’ but bi-directional.” Both people need to be able to express themselves and be able to understand what their partner is saying. Dr. M also said that “the number one goal in relationships should be to make your partner happy. You can’t satisfy your partner if you don’t listen to them and understand their wants and needs.” When communicating with each other take into consideration the sender; the person who is trying to convey the message to their partner, and the message; the information and preferences being conveyed to the partner. Communication with others is an essential aspect of our lives and has a large impact on how we adjust to situations in life.
My advice is to take the time to listen to each other and find a way to communicate without interrupting. If you feel like you are going to interrupt you wife while she is talking stop yourself and understand that in order for her to understand and not interrupt you, you need to understand and not interrupt her. This is one of the many bumps that you and your wife are going to have to overcome over the length of your marriage. Use this as an opportunity for the both of you to grow and to learn how to change the way that you communicate with one another. You will come out of this stronger and as more effective communicators. You’re still newlyweds so give yourself a break. You’re going to be constantly learning new things about each other and it will only bring you and your wife closer. Establish a starting a point for both of you; as long as you are open and honest with each other and attempting to communicate, you are making the effort and in due time things will get better.

[Rasberry6]

First of all, from my point of veiw it seems you are having a communication block. From your side you are more focused on the accuracy of what she is saying and the details, rather then the general point. From her point of veiw she only hears HOW you say things, but not what you are trying to say. This results in her feeling like because of your interuptions for accuracy, you are not listening or do not care. This makes you feel like she is not hearing what you are saying because she only hears the way you are saying it.

It's important to know that good communication enhances satisfaction in relationships. Poor communication is a major cause of relationship break ups. For you, I would say it is sometimes important how you say something, not what you say. So try to use a neutral tone when speaking about your problems or feelings as to not disrupt the channel of communication being used. As I stated before, communication problems are the most frequently cited problem among couples getting a divorce. As you said, it is seriously hindering your relationship. In addition to this, unhappy couples: find it difficult to convery positive messages, misunderstand eachother more often, don't recognize they've been misunderstood, and use more negative messages.

When speaking, if things seem to be taking a negative turn, take a moment to make sure you have not been misunderstood. That way, from that point on it will become easier to get your point across. Also, even though you may constantly get the urge to interrupt, DON'T! Let her have her time to talk, be respectful. This will prove you ARE listening. If you are able to stay quiet while she gets her point across, when it is your time to talk she will likely give you the same respect. Also find a way to be positive. It is never a bad idea to throw some compliments or positive remarks in between the problem. Even though your talking about a problem, always talk about it in a positive light so you both know you will be able to work it out. Never go about an arguement or misunderstanding like its breaking you up, doing this causes negative messages. Always talk about the problem like it can be solved.

You made a good choice by asking for help and saying you want to be happy and understand eachother. This shows that you really are trying to make things work and you really do care. Now all you need is for her to see that. Always remember, you love eachother, thats why you got married. No matter what, always go about things like they will work out. Part of marraige is surviving together through thick and thin. That's what makes this person so special, you chose them to weather all the storms with. You have a logical mind so you will be the first person to interupt and see holes in her points. Try to take my advice and just let her talk. Really try and listen to her rather then go off into all the problems with her arguement. By you doing this, it will be sure to resonate better with her when it's your time to talk. All marraiges have bumps in the road, most divorces occur in the first decade of marraige. Look at this as a bump and perservere to get through it. With better communication comes a better marraige. Good luck to you and your wife!

[honestyy22]

As you understand it is defiantly a communication problem but because you guys are young and just got married it is better you realized it now instead of 20 years down the road. You can work on this by either going to get professional help or because you both are aware of the problem work on it together because as married couples you should be able to over come anything together. And a good way to look at it is that you guys are very similar which is a good thing because opposite will never attract. You both understand that you interrupt each other so maybe you should be the bigger person and start to make some changes for example if you guys are arguing or just talking do not interrupt her. I think a good way to improve on your relationship is to sit down and talk about it before it gets worse.

[prgirl23]

sorry to hear about hat it is quite obvious that you guys are having a huge conversation problem, you say you have been married for 9 months what age were you when you guys decided to get married did u guys have this problem before marriage seems to me just like being stared by Dr. Misiurski that you guys have been threw what is called the " honeymoon stage " as studies have shown, effective communication is crucial to the success of a marriage and is constantly associated with increased marital satisfaction stated by dr. litzinger and dr. gordon. communication is a common problem between a lot of husbands and wives . you say that both of you interrupt each other all of the time mabey you guys should just let the other person speak then girl your thoughts or opinion after one is done speaking. you also say that you wife is emotional and more sensitive, and you are more of a say what i feel, get the point out, no beating around the bush type of guy mabey its the way you say things to here and maby you might come off a little strong try and take that into consideration that you wife is like that and think before you speak. maby you guys should try and work on non verbal communication mabey it will strengthen what you guys have and make you conversation skills stronger then what they are now well i hope this didn't offended you and maby it could help you i wish you a happy marriage and good luck

[Lmferland]

So you’ve been married 9 months, and are having communication problems? I see you say you have a stereo typically relationship, but it doesn’t exactly have to be that way. I think what we need to do is break this down and as the saying goes “walk a mile in their shoes”, in this case your wives shoes. I completely understand where both you and your wife are coming from and feel similar to both of you in my own relationship. It probably isn’t exactly the same as marriage because we don’t see each other every day but we’ve been together for almost 2 & ½ years now and there have definitely been a good share of own communication problems.

The greatest thing for a man to do to help his relationship, is to learn to listen. Men and women are so different when it comes to getting their point across. My teacher says “When she wants to talk, sit quietly without distractions. Turn the TV off. And, while you’re at it, put down the newspaper. Now, when she talks, take a few moments and reflect back on what she’s said.” She needs to know you understand her and that she isn’t just talking madness even if this does go on for 20 minute or more. Dr.Haltzman says “Your objective with your wife is to let her vent, and she will figure out any inaccuracies, if you just let her talk long enough. Maybe take a few notes, if anything really needs to be corrected, and leave her a note. Why Interrupt? Where is the imminent emergency?”

The main thing that I want you to get out of this is the listening skills you both need to build. You say you both have a problem with interrupting each other. Giving her the 15 minutes to rant a day maybe what she needs, as do you. Take turns, with this it’s less arguments and more constructive conversations. As for Dr. Haltzman’s words of wisdom, if she is your wife and you want to make this last forever then what really is the rush and point of getting your word in that very second? Try remembering how much you love her and how much you want this to work as you’re sitting there listening to her.

Now for what I think you two should do. She needs to start thinking a little more logically and speak more directly. You need to try to feel the emotion she is giving off while she’s talking for those 15 minutes. Understand that these are her true as can be words coming from true feelings.
Good luck!