Gone a long time

Gone a long time

Postby JAB » Fri Jan 28, 2011 7:39 am

Dr.
I have been a soldier for more than 23 years and have been married almost 11. I have spent quite a bit of time away and when I have been home I have not been good at getting involved and engaging my family.
I am desperately trying to change those ways, but my wife is skeptical as expected, and when I try to become involved, I am over compensating and she is even more angry as she believes I am pushing her out of her parenting role.
I don't know what is to much or not enough, and I am so tired of saying "sorry" because I can't get it right.I have read your book..secrets..and it really opened my eyes. thanks.
Do you have any advise..please..

Thanks
JAB
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:51 pm

Thank you for your service to the Western military effort for freedom and peace.

There are a number of good parenting resources, that can help you get on the same page with your wife. The lingo and goals shift as the children get older. Discipline and support are the tools, but how and when, is the question.

My wife would often try to be nurturing, when I was trying to teach responsibility. We did better after taking some parenting courses.

I will list some parenting resources, not because you are not a good parent, but as a way to watch a parenting video with your wife, so you can get on the same page with talking to her about where she wants to take the lead.

The goal of Honor to the family is one of the goals I wish I would have mentioned earlier in raising my children.


PARENTING

3 Parenting Refs Posted on Thread:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=529




Web MD Article
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/10 ... -teenagers



Gary Smalley
http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/218


Parenting with Dignity
http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/





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ThunderHorse
 
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Update

Postby JAB » Fri Feb 04, 2011 5:53 pm

Thanks for the reference material. Well it has been has been a bad week to say the least. My wife and I are in separate room, and the outcome does not look good.
I am focusing on maintaining my focus on myself and my kids. Whatever happens will happen, but it is extremely important to me to maintain the relationship with my children.
We are staying civil to each other for the time being as we share a house and continue to split the parenting role. No idea how long that will last.
I am getting some help with some depression that I have been dealing with for the last few years, and need to focus on me and the kids. I know that sounds selfish but I do not see any way to get through this unless I ensure I am looking after myself and being the best parent I can.
JAB
 
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Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:18 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Feb 06, 2011 6:26 am

I am sorry that your wife is unhappy with you.

To give your wife more happiness, you might try offering to listeN to your wife uncondtionally, for up to 15 mnutes per day. This will give your wife time to vent, and to think through thoughts that may seem disconnected. I used to try to understad my wife's venting ideas, but it seems to work better if I let her talk about whatever she wants to verbalize.

I made a mistake last week, when my wife wanted to read me some religious materials, and I asked for a break. She did not have anything else to vent about, so I failed to give her her 15 Min. Now, if my wife wants to read to me, for all or part of her daily 15 minutes, I just go with reading also.

Here are some Links to other threads where Husband listening was discussed.

Sleeping in a separate bedroom sound a little abusive. I will also include references that discuss the Boring Baroque Response by Suzette Elgin. This is giving blithering compliments to the abusive partner. The Love Diet is contacting your wife three times a day wtih a compliment, and giving her the opportunithy to talk for 15 Min. I leave early for work, so I have 15 Min, if my wife wants to vent. In the past, i have cut her off from talking as I rushed out the door close to being late.





Recent communications thread with references to 11/10

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=559






Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet


Thread on Unconditional listening phrases,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=451

Giving compliments to the Wife as a way to encourage venting.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477



IMPOLITE REMARKS FROM SPOUSE, HANDLING:

VERBAL ABUSE THREADS

Post No 2 provides suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband. Post No 12 discusses incorporating Compliments into blithering pleasantries in response to spousal abuse.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

List of Secrets threads on verbal abuse before April 18, 2010
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Second post on this thread lists other threads and references on Verbal Abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse

Recent thread on Verbal abuse, with references, Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ight=abuse


Compliments for husbands to give wives during blithering Boring Baroque responses to Verbal abuse:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477




Post back, Good Luck!


//
ThunderHorse
 
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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby socialdistortion » Sun Feb 06, 2011 11:39 am

Dear JAB,

It is clear that you want to do what is best for your children right now. If you really want to be the best parent you can be –my advice is to ignore your children right now and focus on your relationship. Let you wife take on the parenting role if that is what she wants, step aside. Focus on her and only on her. The best single thing you can do for your children is to make every attempt to save your marriage and save their family.

Your complete effort and commitment to make your wife happy will be noticed and appreciated by your children more than anything else you could possibly do. Let your wife be skeptical as only time will erase her doubts. If you truly believe your marriage is headed toward separation, at least you will be the one who honesty knows you were not the one who gave up on your family.

Best,

Social D.
socialdistortion
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:00 pm

socialdistortion wrote:Dear JAB,

It is clear that you want to do what is best for your children right now. If you really want to be the best parent you can be –my advice is to ignore your children right now and focus on your relationship. Let you wife take on the parenting role if that is what she wants, step aside. Focus on her and only on her. The best single thing you can do for your children is to make every attempt to save your marriage and save their family.

Your complete effort and commitment to make your wife happy will be noticed and appreciated by your children more than anything else you could possibly do. Let your wife be skeptical as only time will erase her doubts. If you truly believe your marriage is headed toward separation, at least you will be the one who honesty knows you were not the one who gave up on your family.

Best,

Social D.



I agree that the children are second, for now.

JAB:

Your wife may be giving you nothing but cold looks, and few words in between. But just be pleasant and glowing toward your wife. Encourage her to talk. "I wish I could do better" is an easy phrase if she has criticsim for you. I just added some parenting compliments under Compliments for Wives. Just work on giving her compliments.



//
ThunderHorse
 
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Re: Gone a long time

Postby Exwife » Thu May 09, 2013 8:18 pm

I am jabs ex wife - that's right your advice didn't work but it did provide hours and hours of entertainment to my friends and I so thank you for that. You seem very willing to offer advice so I thought you would appreciate some feedback.

Thunderhorse you are my favorite my friends and I have made thunderhorsing a verb that people use. Seriously dude do you think women buy that bull. Giving your wife 15 minutes a day to talk wow lucky lady reminds me why I'm single. My favorite though is your comment that I was abusive by having my ex husband sleep in a separate bed. Your encouragement of a mentally unstable man abusive man towards me made my life extremely difficult. I have just know 2 plus years found the courage to respond to your lunacy despite the fact I found the post the day jab posted it. Jab is an extremely abusive man and continues to be today towards me. Your lack of knowledge and offering advice to someone such as jab with serious social issues was uncalled really shows what a fool you are. Dude you need help serious help. If you are in the social service field you need your butt kicked for offering this type of "advice" to people my guess is your aren't though. Much like jab you are a social deviant who just thinks you know everything. What you know and do well is entertainment thunderhorsing will forever be a word in me and my friends vocabulary.

Social D yes you are a deviant that is obvious sometimes a marriage is over simple

As for me life is awesome. I am thriving since leaving the sham of a marriage I was in despite the advice you both gave jab to do everything to keep us together. The children are doing wonderfully. I am extremely successfully and life is great without jab. I am ex wife number 2 so all your advice did you think to question if jab held some responsibility?

Again thanks for hours of entertainment and anyone considering these two fools advice yeah don't they don't have a clue
Exwife
 
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Re: Gone a long time

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun May 12, 2013 9:37 pm

To: Ex-Wife,

Thanks for the feedback.

A question that may have been helpful for Jab, would have been, "In what ways are you being impolite or inconsiderate to your wife? How can you be more caring and considerate?" That is a good suggestion.

Sometimes divorce is the best answer. Glad to hear your children are doing well.


//
ThunderHorse
 
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Re: Gone a long time

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun May 19, 2013 12:05 pm

T0: Ex-Wife,

I started a new thread under Communications, titled STRATEGIES FOR AVOIDING HEATED ARGUMENTS. The feedback in your post indicates that your ex-husband, JAB, may have sometimes been less considerate in the marriage, than would be ideal. JAB alludes to this by saying that the mariatal atmosphere was becoming more civil. This would indicate that some past discussions could have been more polite, probably from both parties, including JAB. So while JAB and other posters did not directly ask for help to be more cordial in the marriage, I started the thread on avoiding arguments, because I could personally be more cordial, a larger percentage of the time, in my marriage, as could probably some other readers.

Some people who post on the forum have, on occasion, been unnecessarily less than cordial and polite with their partner. There are a number of approaches to self-improvment, that can improve our marriages. I try to present ideas for options to improve marriages. Perhaps I did not give enough various ideas for JAB to find a workable approach to save his marriage.

JAB mentioned that he was getting some help with his depression. Do you feel that JAB benefitted from the help he was utilizing? I had made a number of suggestions for self-improvement to JAB; are there any self-help programs that you feel might have been helpful to JAB, that he did not try to utilize?

Was it already too late for JAB to try to listen more to you, an a daily basis? Were there other things JAB neglected, that were more important than providing you with the chance to vent, at the time that he posted his problems?

Best wishes for your hapiness, and success for your children.


//
ThunderHorse
 
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Re: Gone a long time

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu May 23, 2013 5:12 am

Exwife wrote:I am jabs ex wife - that's right your advice didn't work but it did provide hours and hours of entertainment to my friends and I so thank you for that. You seem very willing to offer advice so I thought you would appreciate some feedback.

Thunderhorse you are my favorite my friends and I have made thunderhorsing a verb that people use. Seriously dude do you think women buy that bull. Giving your wife 15 minutes a day to talk wow lucky lady reminds me why I'm single. My favorite though is your comment that I was abusive by having my ex husband sleep in a separate bed. Your encouragement of a mentally unstable man abusive man towards me made my life extremely difficult. I have just know 2 plus years found the courage to respond to your lunacy despite the fact I found the post the day jab posted it. Jab is an extremely abusive man and continues to be today towards me. Your lack of knowledge and offering advice to someone such as jab with serious social issues was uncalled really shows what a fool you are. Dude you need help serious help. If you are in the social service field you need your butt kicked for offering this type of "advice" to people my guess is your aren't though. Much like jab you are a social deviant who just thinks you know everything. What you know and do well is entertainment thunderhorsing will forever be a word in me and my friends vocabulary.

Social D yes you are a deviant that is obvious sometimes a marriage is over simple

As for me life is awesome. I am thriving since leaving the sham of a marriage I was in despite the advice you both gave jab to do everything to keep us together. The children are doing wonderfully. I am extremely successfully and life is great without jab. I am ex wife number 2 so all your advice did you think to question if jab held some responsibility?

Again thanks for hours of entertainment and anyone considering these two fools advice yeah don't they don't have a clue


One value I hoped for if JAB did start listening, without criticizing, for 15 minutes per day, was so that he would develop the skills of communicating, without arguing. Did JAB try to be a better listener? Did arguing decrease?

By suggesting that JAB approach some marital disagreements as Vebal Abuse, I was not trying to categorize his wife as abusive, to criticize his wife. I was suggesting that JAB might utilize the non-crticizing method of the Boring Baroque Response, described by Suzette Elgin. Defusing arguments using Elgin's suggestions is discussed in the thread "My Wife is hyper Critical, Please Help" under Communications. Did arguments decrease as JAB tried to use the Boring Response?

Thanks again for your feedback.

Best wishes for your happiness, and success for your children.


//
ThunderHorse
 
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