What do I do

[tekers]

My wife has moved out because I was to controlling. I never realized I was this way until she left and took a long look at myself. I have always been faithful I have doubts she has but do not care. I still love her the same as I did on day one. I have been intolerable and lazy in our marriage weak job history smoked marijuana regularly. (she has to) I have also used sex as a means of control and regret this I regret all of my bad behavior and am working hard at changing it. I have always provided though food and a place. She says there is no hope but all I have is hope because it is all I have. We have a 20 month old daughter who is the greatest ever. I want to save my marriage have suggested counselling and anything I can try or afford. she says her problem is forgiveness because she has been burned before by me. She is carrying on extensive conversations with another man who I fears only intention is to get her himself. He helped her get separation papers and things like that. I have no intention of hurting my wife again and love her immensely any advice on talking to her or finding a way to get her to counseling would be greatly appreciated. Thank you desperately.

[ThunderHorse]

Your interest in getting your wife to counseling sounds like you want her to change.

How can you change? Why can't you go to counseling yourself, as you seem to admit that you are the one who needs to change.


Do you offer to listen to her ideas, unconditionally, 3 times a day?

How are your listening skills? Why does your wife prefer to talk about her ideas to another man? What other complaints could you get your wife to talk to you about?


drugs do not usually make a person a better listener.


//

[Happinessoneday]

It sounds like you need to seek counseling as soon as possible. It doesn't sound like all is lost, but take responsibility for your own behavior and know that it is time to get help.

[IAmTheThinkingWoman]

You have already decided to take action, and you have revealed some of the behaviors that negatively affected the relationship. Good on you!

A couple points:
1. Any substance use prevents one from real experience and therefore real change. Alcoholics generally stall at the emotional level they were at when they began to put drinking first in their lives. I would venture a similar thing happens with pot, and pot can be very de-motivating as well. Consider reducing your pot use to one night a week when you do not see your beloved. Then consider moving on to real life experiences and leaving pot behind.

2. For change to be permanent, it should happen in small doses. You may not have that option, as there is alot on the line for you here. Try to make a commitment to any changes you make, and set a length of time you will stick with it no matter what. It takes 6 weeks to develop a new habit.

Remember, you are an example to your daughter. She will try to replicate her mother's experiences with love, when she grows up and gets a man of her own. You want her to have a loving, caring man....

[Dobertel]

It seems as though you have made some mistakes in your marriage along the way. That is oaky you are only human. Your wife moving out may have been the best thing to happen. It has allowed you to take a step back, remove yourself from the situation and truly see the issue.
In a psychology class I am taking we discuss marriage and intimacy quite a bit. The bottom line of all the conversation in class is that the key to successful marriage is communication. Now That you have been able to realize the problem your wife is having you can attempt to fix it.
Tell your wife the realization you have made. Be completely open with her. Tell her all your thoughts about the problem. Tell her how you desperately want to save the marriage at any cost. Communicate with her openly and freely. Hopefully she will take you back and you both can move forward working to build your marriage. Remember communication is everything.

[TheBlessed1]

Okay guy listen this is exactly what you have to do to turn your life around, and get you on the right path to becoming the person you want to be and the person your Daughter Needs. First of all the fact that you posted your dilemma to this forum shows that you have a concern and deep down want to confront this problematic area of your life. You are feeling regret because your actions and lifestyle has gotten you to a point where you are losing more than you are gaining. Your woman is upset with your lack of confidence, and leadership within the relationship. Meaning you need to get up, get out, and take control of your life in a positive way. The first step to doing so is making this decision for yourself and no one else. At this point your main focus should be on you and your Daughters Well Being. That means getting and or maintaining any source of income and providing your family with what they need to survive and prosper.

Now you say your wife lost interest in you because you were controlling and your actions proved to be disrespectful, in result your woman has changed her mind and her perspective on what type of man you truly are. She sees you as selfish and Self centered, as for her seeing another man. At this point you have lost control of her feelings. Another man is another Element. You have to remember that you are the man she has a baby with. That baby will bond the two of you together for as long as you live. Changing your lifestyle to tailor the needs of your daughter is where your head should be at. Do that and all else will follow into place. Start by evaluating yourself, what kind of person got you into this situation in the first place. Now take every frustrating truth in you and do something to change that. If you were to controlling you must face your deepest insecurities. In a Relationship you cannot tie someone down emotionally, this will only make them look for an exit. You must be trusting of your woman, support her needs and opinions, even if you do not agree. A woman’s words will give you all the clues you need to do the right thing. Listen to her and what she wants. Be there for her when she needs you, and when your baby needs you. Let her know the changes you are making are life changing…and MEAN it. Actions Speak Louder than Words. Prove it and do what you have to do to get to that higher level.

[Thaddaus]

So once your wife moved out, you realized after self-reflection that you were too controlling, is that right? You do love her but you had certain behaviors that she found unsavory and were causing problems between her and yourself. You were a lazy marriage partner and with a weak job history you proved yourself to be inconsistent. Lastly, you used sex as a means of control when you had nothing else to use against her.

As Dr. Haltzman says in his book, Secrets of Happily Married Men, “Aim to Please” meaning you should “regularly and consistently demonstrate your love for your wife.” He mentions how many people can end up treating strangers better than the people they care about which is something we should apply to whoever matters most to us. “Try to determine what she needs and ask yourself; ‘Is there some way I can make this happen for her?’” This is something so basic that it can often be overlooked.

For you, this applies to how you were too controlling and didn’t treat her the way you would want to be treated. It comes down to starting over and learning what she wants and then simply going out of your way to do just that. By doing this you can show her that you want to please her and that she does mean something to you.

In your situation, you need to take a moment to look back and learn what your wife truly wants from you. Make her needs and desires your mission directives. For instance, instead of using sex to control her, offer it when she seems lonely, stressed, or otherwise emotionally distraught as a way of making her feel close to you. As part of a relationship, sex is the only thing that you can offer to her that no one else can. Don’t make it just another tool of control in your relationship. One more thing that you should keep in mind: If you make marriage your job, it will show her that you care about it and that you are committed to her and her needs.