Ok...I understand where you are coming from! My husband
became involved w/someone else too, emotionally, not sexually.
It has been exactly a year since it all began. The worst year
of my life. HOWEVER, I have grown because of it and bit
by bit I think our relationship has as well. And I say this not
knowing for sure if his emotional attachment to her is
even over. I found a note the other day that told me it
wasn't, but...more on me later. What I do know is that I
am a better person and wife because of what my husband
did. So, if I had to find a silver lining, that is it.
There is so much I want to say, so this may come out jumbled.
1st-Have you been to the divorce busters website? It is a great place
to visit, read, and converse...
as if the book. I would definitely recommend one or the other
or both. GO there, if you haven't.
2nd-I want to give you 2 quotes that I hung on my bathroom mirror early
on in this whole ordeal (yes, I call it an ordeal, that's how I view
it)
The first is: "Be the change you want to see in the world"
The 2nd is: "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of
changing himself"
Like you, I kept looking for my husband to change his ways, especially because he had crossed the line with his involvement with another woman. I really felt he 'owed' me something for my pain. Well, of course, that was like asking for the moon. Fact of the matter is, he wasn't in a place where he COULD give me what I needed. Nothing I did or could do would change that. It came down to my realizing that I couldn't control or change him. I could only control and change myself.
I had to acknowledge my role in his turning to someone else, painful as that was, and do what I could to make amends for it. Only then could I even expect him to do the same. Doesn't sound fair. But, my marriage was on the line and I didn't want it destroyed because we both made foolish mistakes along the way.
So, I listened when he told me that he felt unappreciated, much as it hurt. I listened when he told me he felt I gave him no credit, much as it hurt. I listened, listened, listened. And I learned. I began to do things I should have been doing all along. I became a better wife for my husband. And though I believe I wasn't *that* bad of a wife, somewhere along the line, his needs hadn't been met.
I began making the changes in myself that I wanted to see in him. The kindness, the respect, the gentleness, the spontanaity, etc. etc. etc.
Like I said, it has taken a full year for me to *see* a bit of a hint of change in him. And guess what? For the 1st time in a year, I saw a lurch of a change in him this past week. After a YEAR of my doing what I had to do and wanted to do for our marriage. I never thought I'd make it a year, at times the pain of his involvement with her (mind you...it was still going on during this year) about killed me. However, my marriage and my family and my love for him were always at the forefront of my mind.
So, to get to you, YES you are entitled to change on his part. HE has a lot to do, as well, with regards to making amends for his affair. My husband has yet to get there, either. He is just now taking real steps towards ME, much less towards making amends for his role in the past year. I know
it takes time and until he is ready, he can't do it. I can't force it.
Basically, someone has to take the 1st step. Are you willing? You don't have to be. You could continue with the way things are. You could leave him. You could kick him out. Is your marriage worth fighting for? Worth making changes for? Worth making better than it was before?
He is hiding right now behind his 'activities'. Let him, but at the same time, start making small changes. If you aren't sure what, either ask, or get the book Divorce Busting (Busters?).
I DO understand where you are coming from and I DO understand your wanting him to make the changes. Just understand you can't control his changes, you can only control your own.
I hope this doesn't sound like I believe your H should just skate. I don't.
I, even today, am not sure what the future holds for my marriage. If my H were to never make that step towards me or towards our marriage or towards making amends, then I certainly wouldn't stay. I never put a time frame on it, but knew that I wouldn't live long-term w/someone who could never give me what I was giving in return. At the same time, I didn't dwell on it (the time-frame or the future). I just did my thing, knowing that the day would come when I either 1) knew in my heart that he wasn't capable and/or I needed it sooner than he could give it or 2) I began to see small changes that told me he, too, was beginning to try in our marriage.
Like I said, just this past week, after a year of hell, I began to see it.
Let me know if I can be of anymore help! I do feel for you and wouldn't wish an affair on my worst enemy!