mike wrote:, I've changed the mount of house work I do, I've tried to do more laundry but she yells at me when I do it, then she yells I have not done enough of the laundry.
I've changed ...... and she tells me I'm invading her space and I need to back off.
She tells me I've made these changes "too little too late"
As far as what she has asked me to change is where I will be living once she can support herself and the kids. she has said all these changes are great and one day I'll make a good husband for someone else just not her.
I suggested a calm approach in my previous post. Here's why.
If your wife is abusive to you, and is habitually inconsiderate, then we need to change HER habit of being a serial abuser. Maybe she was justified as retaliating for your being a bad husband, in the past. Either way, Today is today.
Suzette Elgin has many books, one is YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME.
Elgin talks about the motivations of a serial spousal abuser. The main motivational pay-off is to create CONSTERNATION in the victim spouse (you).
If you are feeding into your wife's Abuse habit, by rewartding her with Emotional Turmoil, then you are unintentionally part of the problem.
Consternation can be exhibited by Arguing about some criticism. Upset can be communicated by Retaliating or counter-attacking with faullt finding agaisnt her. If your wife knows she has nailed you, your silence will not cover your facial expression.
Elgin recommends RESPONDING with the Baroque Boring Response, described in her CAN'T SAY book. I intepret her principles into responding with Kindly Gibberish.
"I try to do the wash as you would do it yourself. I try to separate out the colors and the whites. I try to take care of the delicates. I try to put dry-clean-only clothers on a plastic hanger to dry. I try to not put delicates in the Drier. I try to set the drier on Damp and take out the sort-of delicate clothes. I try to only put bleach in with all white clothers. I try to use Cold Power laundry detergent and low temperature settings to save money on the Water Heater. I try to see when we are running low on a type of detergent or bleach. I try to check all the hampers and laundry piles before I start to wash a load. I know you are a whiz at laundry, and my efforts to help probably just make things more difficult for you. You are a real efficient housekeeper. etc."
Throw in some compliments and kindly words. Avoid displaying any fear or anger or sadness. That is a reward for an Abuser. Demonstrate a LACK OF CARING or CONCERN, by just Blabbering about anything in a kindly manner. Elgin says just think of any non-controversial word, in your language, and just let teh words come out, whicl you remain confident that your calm is the right answer.
Your wife will probably turn away in disgust, not having achieved consternation. Certainly her habit wil not die with your first Insane Blithering, but eventually, she will see she is not getting CONSTERNATION or UPSET from you.
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