Mommyof3 wrote: I grew up in a scary home, and I am recognizing behaviors in my husband that where present in my stepfather just before he started beating my mom.
...and I feel like he's giving me guilt trips and cop-outs. I am willing to work on our marriage though I am not willing to be the only person working on our marriage, because that means it's just me back to bending over backwards and taking more of the same treatment.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Mommyof3 wrote:
At this point I have no interest in boosting his ego. Why would I have to boost his ego when all I get is crap for the things I do, or how I never do them right? Why should I continue to give him recognition when I never get any in return other then when I am wrong?
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It seems logical to withhold Ego Boosts from your husband, when he is being critical of you.
However, the reason that many inconsiderate or abusive spouses are hurtful to their spouse, is because they are PROJECTING. That is, the abusive spouse feels inadequate, or lacks confidence, in themselves. Verbal abuse is often a request for an Ego Boost. One path to feeling better, or boosting self-confidence, is to criticize someone else.
So if the reason your husband is critical to you, is becuase he feels inadequate about himself, the solution to his verbal abuse is to find some other way for him to feel better about himself.
One rsponse that has been found to be effective, Elgin, is the Boring Baroque Response. I have added the compliments to the abusive spouse, from my experience. Blithering, softly spoken, compliments of barely related issues to the verbal abuse is helpful to making the abusive spouse feel better about themselves, and stop being abusive.
Finding other ways to be respectful to the inconsiderate spouse, is Eggerich. There are many ways that wives often overlook, to give husbands respect.
What sports interests your husband? What teams does he support? Can you and your sons become fans of the team he is interested in? Fotball season is starting, the World Seires of Baseball is coming up, Hockey Fall Training is starting. Most wives are not interested in sports, but it is a simple way to show respect to a husband.
Wives today have a conflict, because the religous teachings suggesting women should respect men, have been challenged, and over-ridden by women's rights movements and thinking. So the reason you "SHOULD" respect your husband, even when he is inconsiderate to you, is because people get married to find someone to be considerate to them.
Women have made strides in the Vote, Politics and the workplace, in the last 100 years, and probably religious writings have not kept abreast to take into account modern thinking. But marriage has been an instituition for thousands of years, and there is some wisdom in religious teachings. Religious teachings generally suggest the wife should repsect the husband. Your own internal model, from your mother, apparently was not successful in avoiding verbal and physical abuse in her second marriage. So you have to develop a style, on your own, of giving consideration to your husband, to keep his interest in your marriage.
There is a book SURVIING AN AFFAIR
Best wishes
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