She hates me

She hates me

Postby lost and sad » Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:10 pm

Well i am the husban and a disabled american veteran with PTSD i am retired at 46 i do clean the house and take care of the kidd's and do the cooking.You could say im the mom i just cant seem to make her happy i even wash all clothes i just can't make her happy i get put down and called names everytime we see each other.we dont sleep in the same bed and dont make love anymore i try but she saids im ugly and i smell. :( I do have a very good income so it is not the money.I do the best that i can im lost and dont know what to do or where to turn any help will help thanks
lost and sad
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The Haltzman Effect

Postby socialdistortion » Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Dear Lost and Sad,

I suggest you expose your marriage to the Haltzman Effect. You both need to make an explicit decision to choose to love each other and make your marriage work. The Haltzman Effect is a solution to the psychological discomfort known in Social Psychology as cognitive dissonance. When long term conflict arises within a marriage both partners feel disconnected from the other and attitude change is needed. However, a negative attitude is very resistant to change. Attitudes can best understood as a spreading activation of corresponding emotion, cognition and behavior. When an attitude is negative, what you think, feel and behave is impacted. By making the declaration of attitude change you will discover a transformation in how you process, interpret and react to your partner.

The impact of attitude on the interaction between any two individuals can best be seen in the early stages of an intimate relationship. When you are dating and have that crazy-in-love attitude everything your partner does seems amusing and acceptable. You tend to overlook the negative and over emphasize the the positive. Later in the relationship when that drugged up feeling has gone and conflict arises, couples can overemphasize the negative and ignore the positive. The status of the relationship does not need to be altered, the attitude does.

Haltzman maintains that we need to choose to love our partner and offers guidance in his books on how achieve and maintain this. In theory, the Haltzman Effect gives you a new perspective to think and behave in a more positive way. When attitude changes you obtain a predisposition to react differently, which would require less, not more effort.

Lost and Sad, it sounds like you are in a very difficult stage in your relationship and are dealing with many issues. Do you think your wife would be willing to try to make a commitment for attitude change to try and save the marriage?


Social Distortion
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Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:20 am

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Nov 14, 2010 12:42 pm

First, Thank You for your service to the Free World.

Sorry the PTSD is bothering you.

There are a limited number of things in your control, but lets look see.

My wife likes the aroma of Men's after shave Aramis, from Macy's. You might try various scents, to see if there is one she complains about less than others.

I use powder, for deoderant, because spray or roll on deoderant bothers me. Something like Tom Wood deoderant is supposed tobe pleasant.

lost and sad wrote: ...i get put down and called names everytime we see each other. ---but she saids im ugly and i smell. :(

One way to define part of the problem, is to identify verbal abuse. Certainly, there may be more to the picture, but you are in control of how you respond to what might be defined as abusive remarks, or impolite, inconsiderate, comments.

This may take some practice, to change the way you now respond. Mayvbe you are just politely quiet, but I am suggesting the Boring Baroque Resonse by Suzette Elgin. What is wrong wtih polite silence, is that your wife knows she has gravveled your gut, and hurt you with her comments. Being politely silent is not going to get the respect you need from her, to create her love back again.

Part of the response can be to encourage her to vent, so you can listen to all her ideas. At least she is talking to you. Are you arguing with her? Hard Looks?

There are a number of Secrets threads which discuss verbal abuse, and Listening.


Post No 2 provides suggestions for a wife to deal with verbal abuse from a husband. Post No 12 discusses incorporating Compliments into blithering pleasantries in response to spousal abuse. ... ight=abuse

List of Secrets threads on verbal abuse before April 18, 2010 ... ight=abuse

Second post on this thread lists other threads and references on Verbal Abuse: ... ight=abuse

Recent thread on Verbal abuse, with references, Second Post to Husband who was abusive, but whose wife has turned abusive. ... ight=abuse


1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it. ... highlight=
3rd post by Social Distortion

Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions: ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk. ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed: ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking, ... light=diet

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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:16 pm

Search listening.

Dearch Boriing Baroque Response.

Your wife is talking to you, you need to encourage her to vent, and to be respectful to you.
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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Nov 20, 2010 8:24 am

When a wife is being abusive or insulting, it takes some practice to slide in some compliments for her. But making compliments part of your blithering gibberish response has been helpful in my marriage.

"Yest dear; You have very keen ideas of how to make things better, and your intelligence really shines with the ideas you have for making things better. Thanks for taking the time to express you assessment of the situation, and there may be some forther ideas you have of how to make things better."

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