My wife cheated on me...I'm struggling to make it work

My wife cheated on me...I'm struggling to make it work

Postby padrict » Tue Jan 25, 2011 2:57 pm

We have been married about 1 1/2 years. I just recently found out that she slept with someone else a few months ago. She swears it was only one time but I am having a really hard time believing it. I don't blame her for looking elsewhere since I wasn't very attentive and pretty much took her for granted for months. I get all of that.

Here's my problem - I have really turned around my actions: I do romantic things for her, doing self help lessons (that really worked well), I help around the house, basically I'm going out of my way to save our marriage. The one thing I asked of her was to listen to this self help audio book - just try it out. She has yet to do it. Furthermore, she has yet to really do anything to improve our communication and our marriage. I just feel like the only one trying and it's tearing me apart.

So now I have constant anxiety, I cant eat (lost 20 lbs), I cant sleep. I dont know what to do. Is my marriage over?
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:18 am

Have you looked at thread on listening skills? What communication is not improving?



Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet


Thread on Unconditional listening phrases,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=451

Giving compliments to the Wife as a way to encourage venting.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477







//
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Postby padrict » Sun Feb 06, 2011 11:37 am

Thank you for the links. We have actually made some pretty big breakthroughs over the last couple of weeks. We had a couple of really deep talks and decided to try to make it work. She has always had issues communicating and now I understand that when I am not a good listener or try to tell her what she should do, it just drives her away. So I am really working on that.

I guess I'm hoping for a miracle turnaround in our marriage, but I know that's not how it works. It's going to take a lot of hard work. I can see she is now putting forth the effort, maybe just not how I ideally would like it be. But I guess baby steps are the way to go. It took a while to destroy our marriage and I know it's unfair for me to think it will take any less to fix it.

I am still having issues with trust though. I have come to terms with the affair but it's still difficult to fight off that constant anxiety I feel. How do you trust someone again after it's been shattered? I am going away on business in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it...
Any advice on coping with this feeling would be greatly appreciated.
padrict
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:55 am

padrict wrote:I am still having issues with trust though. I have come to terms with the affair but it's still difficult to fight off that constant anxiety I feel. How do you trust someone again after it's been shattered? I am going away on business in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it...
Any advice on coping with this feeling would be greatly appreciated.



Expectations can be re-evaluated and revised.

Trust might mean your wife meeting certain of your ideal expactations.

It appears that your wife is trying to be at least somewhat considerate to you.

The glass can be half-full.

Make your expectations for trust at a basic level, and if additonal devotion is received, that can be considered a bonus.

Many people cheat on their spouses. What makes a good marriage, is focusing on the considerate parts of the marriage.






//
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Postby ThunderHorse » Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:09 am

padrict wrote:I am still having issues with trust though. I have come to terms with the affair but it's still difficult to fight off that constant anxiety I feel. How do you trust someone again after it's been shattered? I am going away on business in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it...
Any advice on coping with this feeling would be greatly appreciated.



Your wife may now be better able to resist the temptations for a paramour. You may now be more fulfilling to your wife's needs, and reducing her temptaions. So you may be quite well off, compared to your past, and compared with other marriages, and compared with your uptions to divorce and re-marry. Maybe focus on the considerations available for now, and the in the future from your wife.



//
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Postby padrict » Wed Feb 09, 2011 6:15 am

You are right. The glass can be half full...the hard part is looking at it that way. I do believe she is being more considerate and I appreciate it. I also have to factor in that she is working 2 jobs right now and is completely exhausted. It's all she can do to drag herself out of bed in the morning. That is ending very soon as she put in her notice at the second job.

I suppose I am probably over compensating right now and trying to make up for lost time. As i stated in my first post, I wasn't a very good husband - i wasn't bad, just insensitive.

As far as our sex life goes...it's non-existent. And this is one thing that really gets to me and makes me doubt myself as a man, a lover. She says she just hasn't been in the mood but she was able to have an affair with another man. I understand he gave her the attention she was craving when I didn't - i get it. But, it still doesn't make it easy to deal with....

So my question isn't so much 'What does she need to do?' but more,"What can I do for myself to get past these feelings of inadequacy and anxiety?"
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Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Feb 11, 2011 4:23 am

padrict wrote:As far as our sex life goes...it's non-existent. And this is one thing that really gets to me and makes me doubt myself as a man, a lover. She says she just hasn't been in the mood..... "



Sex for young men is in and out.

Sex for married men can be by degrees.

You make no mention of your massage skills, massage instruction tapes, books
courses, etc.

Radar love can be called sex.

For women, sex is sometimes a two day lead up.

Caressing and releasing, creates endorphins that arouse the female psyche for sex.

Different women have different times of the day and different times of the month, where caressing is more welcome.

You do not mention birth control or the plans you have for more children. Family planning can be a factor in arousal for a woman. Have there been accidents? How can you work to establish trust to avoid unintended consequences? How much do you have saved for college for the kids?




//
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Re: My wife cheated on me...I'm struggling to make it work

Postby peacekeeper34 » Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:40 pm

Padric, to repent and forgive your wife for the wrongful action would be the up most peaceful way to come around your anxiety. She with the guilt felt, can't act how she felt when things were going well because she feels that the forgiveness from you isn't there. I know from past experience that it is a shell shock, an awe when they hear the words " I forgive you, but as it may be let it be a lesson learned that there isn't any other guy who would own up to forgiveness and want to still be fully committed like yourself." In sense, she will be open up and blown away at your ability to take a downfall but see the better good in it and learn to build a stronger bound between each other. I'm very forgiving with my fiancé, without proper guidance from man being soft instead of always tough and hard to get emotions out of won't make a relationship bound strong. Yes men where procreated to take up the labor and physical prowl that god laid before the human population, but what every woman wants, looks truly in is a man to have a wonderful mental vocabulary (sort of speak) of emotions to spark and share with her, to enlighten her, comfort, to see feelings that correspond to hers, and warmth. Anxiety is felt for a long time, as I felt, but should never be taken out on her or shown to her, build a tolerant to it and overcome it with the security of her words spoken, trust in her and show her you do. Women need to feel that comfort of trust and faith, she made that choice in an affair but what are we to quickly react on negative emotions and give up on that one we worked so hard with all the years to build all that love, happiness and feelings with? That is always the downfall of our manly aggressions, we never think; our judgments become clouded as fast as a raging storm. the biggest concern you need to focus on is how to love the woman you fell head over heels with the way she has always desired it. Our sacrifices are so much more worth it than making women sacrifice their own when it is up to us to make them feel loved. Always give your undivided love, listening, romantic ways, no regrets, and never doubt her no matter how hard the action or what it was. Dr. Scott states that "Men don't always solve problems the same way as women. Men can apply the same commitment and devotion to their marriage as they do other aspects of their lives (work or sports, for instance). When they take the positive approach, they are able to formulate a plan to meet their goals, and they enjoy richer and better marriages." Men should always initiate the first verbal words in communication, women love when you beat them to saying I love you, good morning, good night, and so on so forth. Do not ever stop going out of your way for her, she wants to feel most important and should always be most important to you. All I know from my understanding and being in a relationship so long is that there should never be a moment to rush anything, love isn’t something to take lightly; it changes its ways daily without noticing it. Brining your marriage back won’t be the easiest thing, however make her happy by whatever means possible, a relationship should never be run by intimacy, but passion and love. Women are meant to be loved not figured out, if they were figured out then men wouldn’t be a constant change to always suit her needs and be everything that they wanted.
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Re: My wife cheated on me...I'm struggling to make it work

Postby soccergirl12 » Sat Dec 03, 2011 5:26 pm

Infidelity is a very tough thing for a marriage to go through. Are you trying to talk to her to understand about why she did that? I feel that being in a marriage is a two way street, if your both or only one of you are not willing to try then it’s not going to work out. In your situation you are putting in all of the work and effort and she is doing nothing. But that doesn’t make sense when she did wrong. I learned in my psychology class that communication is a huge aspect in a relationship.

Good communication enhances satisfaction in marriages. That is good that you have been trying and giving it your all for your marriage so don’t blame yourself that you did something wrong, when you didn’t. It doesn’t give your wife the right to cheat no matter how bad your relationship is. You should sit down and talk to your wife and you both should really express how your feeling if she doesn’t want to try then you need to realize that your marriage isn’t working anymore.

She needs to show you that she wants to be in this marriage also, because there had to be certain reasons why she cheated. You both need to overcome all of these emotions. I know this is a very hard situation to cope with but you need to try not to blame yourself because your going to be extremely stressed out. So my best advice to you is have better communication skills if you really want it to work out. I hope my advice helps you.
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Re: My wife cheated on me...I'm struggling to make it work

Postby MaybachMusic » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:48 pm

Adultery or Infidelity truly tests a marriage and it is very tough to get through, my peer Dr.M says “Infidelity doesn’t mean that it is over”. You said that the marriage has been going on for over a year now and that she has recently committed adultery, or so she says. I wouldn’t completely say that you don’t believe her because research shows that infidelity usually occurs 2-3 years after the marriage has begun.
Don’t think that you are the only one that experiences these feeling and the circumstance. Only 20% of Divorces are caused by Infidelity and that’s a very low percent regarding the billions and billions of people in this world. This may sound shocking but “Divorce isn't necessarily inevitable after infidelity, however. With time to heal and a mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship, some couples emerge from infidelity with a stronger and more honest relationship than before” Says my Professor. Also how did you find out your wife was having an affair did she tell you or find out on your own. If she told you there is a sense of trust right there. Most commonly the one committing the adultery “Keeps the relationship a secret, often resorting to lies and deception” and if she openly told you that is good, I know it sounds terrible but it shows she still cares.
You said that you changed in many ways and that you have realized what you have done wrong. You stated “I don't blame her for looking elsewhere since I wasn't very attentive and pretty much took her for granted for months”. You shouldn’t say that you don’t blame her we are human and make mistakes you both chose to be married and it’s on both of you to work it out. You have been going out of your way to save the marriage and that should say something to your wife and it truly means that you want it to work. If she doesn’t quite get the picture maybe do something romantic to try and talk to her about it, and be creative. All in all I do not think that the marriage is over between the two of you. I hope that my information was helpful and best of luck :D .
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Re: My wife cheated on me...I'm struggling to make it work

Postby Sparkles88 » Mon Dec 03, 2012 11:48 pm

It seems as though now you may not have trust in your wife now. That’s a tough one, trust is one of the biggest qualities in a relationship/marriage. Once that trust is broken it’s very hard to gain back again. Now that she had an affair, you have such bad thought about it that is affecting your everyday activities. Have you ever been cheated on in the past? If so, how did you get through it? If not, what can you try differently to try and escape this feeling? This is what’s always on your mind now. Your fear of being cheated on again. Don't worry though, it is very common. Everyone has that fear of being cheated on and not knowing.
This is a tough one, but only both of you can work through this. Maybe you both need more affection or reassurance in your marriage. Is your wife affectionate? Your wife was absolutely in the wrong on cheating on you. But you did admit that you weren’t attentive and took her for granted. Dr. Haltzman states on his Facebook page - “Women often communicate in and effort to build bridges and form collaboration." "A woman might pose a suggestion in the form of a question, hoping to reach a consensus." Communication is very important. Maybe you didn’t understand what she was trying to tell you what she wanted or what she wanted you to do.
Affairs happen in up to 40% of marriages, states Dr. Haltzman. That’s almost half of marriages. Your not alone in this, it is very common. You may feel alone, or like you failed. But I wouldn’t throw in the towel yet. Personally, I would maybe try marriage counseling. You were both in the wrong by you not being attentive and her going past that and cheating. You also stated that you wanted her to listen to an audio and she has yet to do so. What might that tell you? Maybe she doesn’t want to try? Ask her. Tell her you are trying now, why isn’t she?
Now that you have turned around and tried to change for her, maybe she should do the same. She was the one who cheated so she should try to communicate with you and work on this together. It sounds like to me that you both want to work this out. I can relate with my own experience. I was once cheated on for 8 months and had no idea. Again once someone breaks that trust it’s very hard to gain it back. I was like you and had no idea what to do. Your so in love that your scared what to do and don’t want to let go. The person who had the affair was completely in the wrong. Before cheating she should have tried to work out the problems you were having. With all this said, I hope everything works out for you. But just remember, everything happens for a reason! :)
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Re: My wife cheated on me...I'm struggling to make it work

Postby volvos70 » Sat Dec 08, 2012 7:48 pm

From what I hear, you have been married for over a year now. So i believe that you are still getting used to the whole marriage situation. Your wife had already had an affair with someone else and then you blame yourself for not being attentive and taking her for granted for months. Maybe she noticed that behavior right away and decided she wanted a change for a short amount of time. Since you are at the beginning of your marriage, you definitely still have time to get the marriage back on track.
Dr. Scott Haltzman has a set of his own secrets of happily married men and women. In his secrets of happily married men, his fifth secret is "learn to listen." Along with that secret, Dr. Haltzman explains "Let your wife talk, and let her know you are listening. Before offering suggestions to problem-solve, ask her whether she wants advice or whether she just wants you to listen. You’d be surprised how appreciative she will be that you are just a good ear."
Is it possible that your non-attentiveness has to do with your attentive listening skills? I believe this is relevant to your situation because you don't know the exact reason why your wife cheated on you, but you have an idea. You believe your attentiveness has to play a factor in the situation.
May I suggest making sure that you are content while talking to your wife about these issues. Make sure that you offer to give advice when listening to your wife when she wants to talk. You mention that you do romantic things for her, help around the house, and go out of the way to save your marriage. Those are all positive things that you are doing well and should continue to practice. You are still in the early stages of your marriage and I believe that you will steer towards that right path soon.
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