Thinking about leaving

[Flgirl]

'm a point where I am confused on whether I should stay in my marriage or leave. This is our second marriage and we both had 1 child prior. We no have 2 kids between us. Our issues are lengthy. First being how my husband treats my daughter, who lives with us. He makes her feel unwanted and unloved, always disciplining her for every mistake she makes.

Secondly, we have a huge communication problem. My husband tends to always change things around to make any problem we have for me to be the cause. According to him, I am not loving enough, I am not kind enough, I am not patient enough, in other words, I'm not good enough, no matter what. I have supported him in everything he has wanted to do. We have gone through some financial problems b/c of bad investments and him leaving his job to pursue his own business. Unfortunately, things didn't work out and we ended up filing bankruptcy. We have had arguments where he has pretty much blamed me for this.

My husband has not put any effort in getting to know me or even wanting to know me. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentines Days, and mother's days have come and gone and the extent are some flowers, pretty much with the exception of a couple times. I asked him to buy me something of indulgence once in the beginning of our marriage and he told me no. I have never asked since. Other than an Ipod, I have no gifts that he has given me. It's not that I'm waiting for him to shower me with gifts but I feel he just doesn't care enough to give me a token of his love.

I have always put my kids and him before myself and my needs. I have learnt to cook food to match his customs, I have tried to change for him to love me, I have even changed how I dressed to please him. I feel no matter what I do, it's never enough. He has even told me that he can think of at least 100 different women who are better wives than I am. He is a talker. He preaches to me. He listens to a lot of self help gurus and books and then wants to enforce those ideas and principles on me so I can change. He really makes me feel inadequate to be his wife. I know that I get emotional and say mean things when I get angry but I feel like I am going crazy because he simply does not listen to me. He wants to always show me how I am wrong instead of listening to my feelings and what I need. He also speaks very rough with me and is very demanding of me. Whenever I try to tell him, he tells me to change first and then everything will be fine. He blames my family now. He says my family blames everyone else for their problems and makes others feel like outsiders. While my family may have issues, I don't think he needs to throw this in my face every time and think he needs to change them. He speaks rough, part of it is his nature, to my family as well to the point that some of them don't want to be around him and others are afraid to talk to him. He is ready to spend money on himself and treat himself but it's a very different story when it comes to me.

He is very strict with my daughter and is very lenient with his others. Our two kids can have anything but my daughter has to really earn and work for everything, even his love, which she still doesn't have. She just turned 5 when we got married and she calls him Daddy. She does not have much contact or interaction with her own dad and she craves my husband's love so much. I see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes whenever she tries to talk to him or play with him. My daughter has some issues with being rude and being more mature than her age and this is what he says he can't deal with. I don't have any problem with hims disciplining her, but he also needs to love and show her this.

I am just so tired of being his scapegoat and whenever I am hurt I turn to him for support, comfort, and love. Instead, he goes to bed, or shuns me away. Yet he says he loves me. I don't feel his love. Till today we had trust in our marriage which may have kept our marriage standing on one leg but an incident happened tonight where I'm questioning even that. He purchased something very expensive (A Tony Robbins seminar weekend) and told me he was "thinking" of going. I so happened to have his email account stored on my ipod and happened to look at it and realized he had already purchased it. We always agreed to discuss these things first. When he asked me how I knew, I told him I saw it on his email. He has since changed hi password. He checks my email all the time. I am so lost and confused.

[elizacol]

All other things aside, for the sake of your daughter, you need to exit this marriage. She is an innocent in this and does not deserve to endure what your husband (from the sounds of your post) is putting her through. No child should have to 'earn' the love of a parent/stepparent. She may very well grow up with some serious male issues....seeking the approval/love of men in inappropriate ways.

Your daughter comes first. Period.

[advice88]

Satisfying your husband seems to be a challenge, and it really shouldn’t be that hard if he loves you. Your daughter is suffering in this marriage as well as yourself; therefore maybe it is time to leave. You say your children come before you, and it is unhealthy for your daughter to live the way she is. It is not fair that she be treated differently then the other children in the household.
As for your marriage, not only is it unhealthy for your daughter, it is unhealthy for you. In my psychology class I learned that financial problems cause increase hostility in men and lower marital happiness in both spouses. In your situation your husbands business failed and you had to file for bankruptcy, which could have caused him to become very unhappy and maybe that is why he acts out the way he does, blaming every situation on you, telling you to change and saying you’re not loving enough or patient enough.
My advice to you would be to leave this marriage and start on a new path for your daughter and yourself. Your husband does not seem to appreciate anything you do for him and is making you earn his love. It takes two people to make a marriage right, not just one. You should not have to change for anyone, especially if you are doing all the right things. Sometimes people don't realize when their wrong so they blame others to feel right. Do the right thing for yourself.

[TDKlee]

Hello Flgirl,
You said that your husband has not put any effort in getting to know you or even wanting to know you, and also he is very strict with your daughter and is very lenient with his others. It seems that you have a huge problem in your second marriage. I think he doesn’t care you and your daughter at all because I can tell through the way he treats his others. Does he love you? How is his personality? How is your personality?
My psychology professor Dr. ski says that approximately three-fourth of divorced people eventually remarry. However, divorce rates are higher for second, than for first, marriages. In addition, remarriage can also be difficult for children and stepparent-stepchild relations tend to be more negative and distant than parent-child relations in first marriages. She also says that after a divorce, many children exhibit depression, anxiety, nightmares, dependency, aggression, withdrawal, distractibility, lowered academic performance, reduced physical health, precocious sexual behavior, and substance abuse.
My suggestion is that you should leave this marriage and start a new life for you and your daughter. You have done all the right things you could to maintain this marriage, but it didn’t work out. Most importantly, you might compromise something in life, but you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone. The best choice for you to do is to let it go, so do the right thing for yourself and especially your daughter. You are the best, keep that in mind.

[bwg22]

It appears you are thinking about leaving your husband for a few different reasons. One reason is due to the fact that your husband is not showing your daughter any attention or love. Another problem you have mentioned is that you and your husband have a huge communication issue. These are two big problems that need to be resolved in order to have a successful marriage down the line.
Commitment is defined by professor Misurski as the following, “The decision and intent to maintain a relationship in spite of difficulties and costs that may arise.” You seem to be experiencing some difficulties in your relationship and in order to resolve these problems you need to work at it. You need to find some common ground between your daughter and your husband. You also need to talk to your husband and daughter and tell them they both need to put an effort in. As far as communication goes you must find healthy ways to talk and resolve any issues that may arise in your relationship.
In order to fix these problems I would recommend the possibility of counseling between you and your husband. I would also say the best way to solve your communication problems is to take some qualities of the work place home in order to development some conflict management skills.