My wife is hyper critical, please help!

My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby rhiley_08j » Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:33 pm

I can't even believe I am typing this on a public forum, but I don't know what else to do, so here it goes...

My wife is a very critical person. Not so much of me, or at least the bit that she is I can deal with. She is critical of everyone else in her life. Her friends, her family (she is justified there as far as I am concerned), my friends, my family.

I know where her criticism stems from, her mother. Her mother is a very negative person. The problem is, that although she may be justified in her criticisms she constantly verbalizes them, and if I say anything at all about it, she trys to point fingers at me, or will just shut down about it, and be PO'ed at me because I commented about it.

She is a very smart woman, and can be very caring. She doesn't see the issue. She constantly thinks that everyone else is stupid, and she can't stand dealing with "stupid" people. I love her very much, and she treats me like a king, but there are issues there that I can't bring up or it makes her mad, and when momma is mad, daddy aint happy.

She will do things like, freak out at people if we are eating and someone happens to say something with food in their mouth, calling them disgusting pigs and stomping off or if someone asks for a drive she expects them to give us money, even though that person will do for us if we ask. She got mad at my best friend because he comes to our house every Sunday for dinner, and this Sunday he brought a turkey for my wife to cook for supper, when he went home he took some with him so that he could make sandwiches for work. She said he was rude, and she isn't going to cook suppers on Sunday if he comes over. I don't see anything wrong with it. There was all kinds of turkey left, and to be honest by the end of the week it will probably end up in the garbage anyway.

She criticizes her friends constantly about the chooses they make, but in all honesty it is there life and as long as it doesn't affect ours, what is it her concern?

I just don't know what I can say or do to make her realize that her "bitchiness" that she is so proud of, and her outspoken criticism, that for the most part isn't asked, is pushing people away, or creating very awkward situations. Please help someone. I love her, and being apart is not an option. We are mates till death do us part.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:59 am

I have been studying Tranactional Analysis.

Your wife could be considered to be in the Critical Parent role.

One of the problems created by a person using hte Critcal Parent role, is that non-positive criticism triggers Childish Resenment.

Criticism can be positive. Criticism can be in the form of a suggestion, or friendly advice.

One Idea from Tranactional Analysis, is to recognize that your Child is being triggered. So the first thing to do is to avoid being falling into a negative or acting our childish role. Name Calling Back would be a Childish response.

A second Idea from T-A is that if someone is acting as a Child or a Parent, inappropriately, then your positive response can be to act as an adult. By acting as an Adult, a Caring, considerate Adult, you can set an example for a tone of communication, that can LEAD a spouse to take on a more Adult, considerate Tone.

A third idea from T-A is that in most Child and Parent communications or action, ther is a positive suggestion. In acting like a considerate Adult, we should be ready to HEAR positive suggestions. When someone is giving us a Negative Message, we can try to find the Positive
Suggestion, in the communication, that is lost in the Negativity, and that would, in part, might address the complaint. So as a considerte Adult, we can restated the positive suggestion as a request for ourselves to change something, or take or avoid some action. Or that we should find a way to earn forgiveness in serving some pertinent pennance.

You may develop a list of commmon suggestions that are used in negative criticsm. Once you see ther are some patterns, you can look for motivators for your wife to avoid using criticsm.

What are some of the motivations you might mention to your wife as a reason to use more positive suggestions, rather than negative criticsm for the same message?

It would be easier to control your childish impulses if you received less critical parenting? That your productivity for the Family would improve with more positives, so she would be better off hersel, using less crticism to you?


NLP, Neuro Linguisitc Programming involves habit change. So finding motivators and other habit changing conceptsto help you wife change her habit might be effective.

You might use friendly reminder prhases during your back rub times:

You are finding it easier to think of positive requests to better exress ideas that seem irritating to you, at first.



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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:36 am

I believe I had previously posted some ideas on handling Verbal Abuse, based on the concepts described inthe books of Suzette Elgin.

I need to reveiw the concepts of handling verbal abuse, and this thread title seemed to be the best one relating to verbal abuse in communication.

An impoartant step is to understand the goals of the verbal abuser. The goals are your consternation. So if you are bcoming concerned and confused, you are contributing to the cycle of abuse.

I have a stituation in which a person I am supevising, has accused me of being impolite, in my instructions. So I feel upset about the situation. But I can avoid situations in which I am not taking time to be fully polite.



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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby socialdistortion » Sun Apr 15, 2012 1:27 pm

Dear Thunderhorse,

Welcome back. Where have you been?

Social Distortion
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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Apr 26, 2012 2:18 am

socialdistortion wrote:Dear Thunderhorse,

Welcome back. Where have you been?

Social Distortion



Thanks for the welcome back.

I stopped posting because I had learned enough to find ways to enjoy my wife. So I have been focusing on applying the strategies discussed here, to my marriage. So, I have been enjoying my wife. I started posting again, to reveiw what I have learned in posting, and I am posting more in the Strategy sections, rather than in the Helping threads.

Previously, I had been trying to give people posting, at least one response to their stated questions, with one, or several, ideas of principles that might apply to their situation. Enjoyed your alternate suggestions in our posting.
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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby socialdistortion » Sat Apr 28, 2012 8:11 pm

Dear Thunderhorse,

Well, I am happy to hear that you are spending your days enjoying your wife. Regardless of our 'alternate' solutions, I hope you will continue visiting this forum and posting your advice to the men (and women) looking for advice and encouragement. Glad to here you are well.

Best,

Social Distortion
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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Wed May 23, 2012 3:22 am

I recently found some boring tone phrases when my wife was on a criticizing binge or rant. I said, "Sounds like you are criticizing me." I did not respond to her accusations, directly.

My message to her was that I was choosing to not respond to her criticism, but acknowledged her right to criticize me, if she wanted to. My wife continued to criticize me, and I continued to acknowledge her right to criticize me. After several minutes of tirade, and repeating, "Sounds like you are criticizing me," a few times, my wife went on to do something else, leaving my personal space in a huff.

My wife has not brought up the hurtful issues she slammed me with during that recent venting session, and I have not asked about the hurtful issues she brought up. I chose to ignore the issues in her rant, and so far it is working. I considered the issues she brought up, during reflective times, but found nothing to change, for myself, so I have just mentally stored the issues as wainting for futher inforumation.

I did not mention that I was ignoring my wife, while she was ranting, and did not get confrontational with her, only acted bored.


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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu May 24, 2012 3:54 am

My wife was criticizing my tough love approach with my adult-age son.

These are some phrases that might be used in a non-emotional manner, without confrontation.

"There is a time to be nurturing, and there is a time to ask for more responsibility."

There is a time for a Mother to intervene between a Father and a Son, and there are times when it is better for a Mother to let a Father and Son work things out between themselves."



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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu May 24, 2012 4:59 am

"There is a time to let your husband take the lead on an issue, and there is a time for a wife to exercise her authority on the issue."

"Ther is a time for a wife to display her powers and authority independent of her husband, and there are times for a wife to display support for the positions a husband may be taking, from time to time."

The phrases convey respect for the wife's options and opinions.


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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Jul 20, 2012 1:15 am

My wife sometimes starts venting at a time that I find surprising, and either feel annoyed, or express non-supportive ideas.

Ideas for Phrases:

I feel I can serve you in our marriage by encouraging you to vent your critical feelings, but it would be nice if you let me know you had some negativeity to express, so I could adjust my frame of reference.

I am generally trying to have positive ideas in the marriage, so if you want to change up my attitude, it would be nice if you could let me know that you need to vent, and maybe even offer to delay venting, as a courtesy. "Can I give you some venting ideas now, or would you prefer I delay expressing my feelings to some other time?

Sometimes when you pop off, it ruins my mood.

It seems you are giving me random negativity, can you think of any more negativities, for now, and finish expressing your negativity, so I can enjoy our marriage for a little while?

I would like to have confidence that you are not going to be coming up with random negatives, because now I am anticipating what negatives might be coming next, and my mood of enjoyment is ruined.

I would like to have feelings of love for you, but when you are coming up with random negatives over several hours, I become resentful, and I want to be loving, and more productive. I would like to avoid becoming resentful and unproductive in doing things that help the marriage.


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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Nov 16, 2012 1:13 am

Listening skills are encouaraging her to vent. If she says she does not know wheat she wants, then she is talking and you are succeeding in getting her to talk.

A No Contact letter could read, "I am trying to work things out with my marriage for the sake of my daughter. I request that you not contact me, ans understand that I will not be contacting you."

Listening does not mean that your wife will remember anything of what you might say.

I have explained my jeoulusy to my wife by explaining that jealousy is part of love. I am not ashamed of my jeoulusy, and not ashamed of my love.

"Why Now" is that you can explain that you are continuaously trying to be a better husband, and find more effective ways to show your love to her.

Do not worry about understanding what your wife talks about, just find questions to get her to discuss her feelings. Just ask more questions to get her to talk more. If her comments are abusive ofr inconsiderate, use the Boring Baroque response, then give her time to talk more.

If your wife syas, "You did not ask me not to go to Arizona" that seems abvusive, and requires a Boring BVaroque Response. Silence indicates consternation. "Well, I thought I remembered telling you that I thought it would be better for the marriage if you did not go to Arizona, but of course how I wish I had been more emphatic in expressing my feelings of misgivings about your tirp, and I believe it is best for bringing up our daughter with good moral examples that we try to take vacations together, and now I sish I had takent time off work to go with you, etc, etc."

How are you coming at understanding verbal foreplay of listening, leading to a short caress?

How does your extension of foreplay get rejected? I get rejected, at various points on occasion, but I view the rejction as an apportunity to back off, and let affection build up in my wife. Women have cycles of building affection, of 3 to 7 minutes. Are you able to find cycles to begin earlier stages of foreplay, then pleasantly back off when ther is a rejection?

I think your wife is verbally abusive to you, and you are using silence as a response, and not understanding that silence is a reward for abuse. There is a thread under Communicaiton, "My Wife is Hyper Critical, Please Help" Suzette Elgin has several books on verbal abuse.
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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Nov 17, 2012 11:46 am

180 Degree Divorce Busters can help you keep your sanity. Just change things for the sake of change, to demonstrate that you can change. A common basis for marital problems and divorce, is the belief by one spouse, that their souse cannot, and will not, change, in ways to please them. Then they give up on the marriage

Dr. Haltzman has expressed the idea that trying to go too far with foreplay, when you are working on serious problems in your marriage, can be a mistake. I don't know what stages you are receiving STOP signals, but I do recommend backing off quickly, immediately, if there are signals of non-receptivity.

Some of my best marital sex has come after intense arguments, but I do not recommend starting arguments. I still try to encourage venting from my wife, even when she is intense, and focused on me. I often have to reapproach, after letting 3 to 7 monutes have passed.

You have not revealed whether a 3 second caress for her back, in casual situation in the home, is meeting with signals of britstling.

It is important to recognize if your wife is a serial verbal abuser, because ordinarily, it is good to listen to your wife's complaints as requests for change. The verbally abusive spouse, is often not giving true complaints, but rather making hurtful comments. So the selction of phrases based on how to upset you, may have nothing to do with what she really wants changed. So before making a change based on what the verbally abusive spouse has said, it is necessary to figure out if what was said, was just for effect.

I have failed to get you to verbalize the concept of your power to select an attitude for expressing your ideas which are generating feelings of upset or anger. The Boring Baroque response, sing-song ideas in boredon, have been difficult for me to practice, becase I am not naturally bored, I constanly find intersting things to think about. When your wife talks about her affair in AZ, some prhases might be, "I'd rather we talk about someting else, because I feel hurt when that subject comes to mind, so I would rather put that situation behind me, as I would put any love making before we were married, and I would like us to try to be good role models for our daughter" etc etc... you cannot control the feelings that come up in your experiences, Like upset or anger, but people have a choice in selecting the attitude, or mind-set, with which you respond, or present your ideas.

A No-Contact letter from your wife to the AZ Guy could read, "I am trying to work on my marriage for the sake of my 7 year Old Daughter. If I have hurt you I appologize. But I ask that you not contact me, and understand that I will not be contacting you, so that I can keep things from getting out of hand, and otherwise resist temptation."

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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Nov 19, 2012 9:00 pm

From Taking Care of Yourself, Thing Are Not Wroking out, I am at a loss, Post 2


One aspect you raise is the concept of the fear that your husband might start being abusive.

One option is to rehearse effective responses to abuse, so you feel that you are properly preapred, if abuse occurs. Search the Boring Baroque Response.

Another option, is to learn about the patterns that serve to reward and perpetuate abusive, or insonsiderate behavior. These rewards are counter-intuitive, so you will probably have to read Suzette Elgin, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME.. Basically Arguing, Condemning, ignoring and retaliation serve as incentives to establish the habit of abuse.

There is little recognition in your post, of the Man type values realting to yourhusband's contribution to the household. How do you help to boost your husband's ego?

Having 3 sons may make the coordination of marital time for enjoying each other, a bit of a challenge. Husbands are often not good mind readers. Are there times you could have fun, but your husband is missing the signals? Could you set up some codes for better communication?

Instead of intervening on behalf of your eldest son, with your husband, is there some way you could coach your son to practice being more assertive, yet respectful, in phrasing of his ideas? Any activities to get your son involved in roles in whch he might be more assertive? Sports, youth theatre, camp actvities, Scouts, etc? Does your son practice teh Boring Baroqe response?

You are probably smart to try to get ahead on these issues, before anything gets out of hand. It appears that you are early, and ahead the curve of serious problems.

It is often the case that one person feels that they are the only ones working on the marriage. You might try to give your husband credit for some of the time and effort he makes to support the family, and earn money.


From Communication, My Husband Drinks and says rude thing to my family

Perhaps there are several issues or perspectives on the situation.

One is drinking.

One is harsh words to you.

Another is religion.

Another is your husband's limited enjoyment of Love with you.


Respect is important to men. Paul, in the Christian Bible, advocated for wives to respect their husbands.

If you want more Love from your husband, Look to find more ways to be respectful to your husband.

Insisting that your husband respect verbally all your ideas on religion is one battle you can choose. I suggest that your husband has no control over your religious beliefs, so I suggest that you decide to IGNORE anything he says about your religious beliefs. Christianity can be your private, personal matter.

I suggest that you focus on other issues. Your husband speaking harshly to you is an issue, whether he is drinking, drunk or sober. A successful response to harsh words from a spouse is the Boring Baroque response, which is blithering platittudes. YOU Can't say that to me, 8 steps to ending verbal abuse, by Suzette Elgin. Elgin is discussed on many treads in this website.

You don't mention the work your husband does, or how he helps around the house. Respect is important to men, and it is dfficult for most women to understand the Ego of their man. How have you contradicted his ideas in the last week or month? Were you aware you were contradicting his ideas at that time? When could you have spent time accompnaying him, when you chose to do something else?


How can you incrementally assist your husband to slow down his drinking? Since he drinks less on work days, he apparently is not addicted.

Ask your husband to take his first drink later in the day, maybe. When he is going to take his first drink, maybe begin describing what all is important that your husband does for you, and the difficulties he has on his job, and how his sports teams are doing. Find ways to show more respect for your husband, before he takes his first drink of the day.

Abusive spouses know how to say hurtful things to their spouses, which is why it is verbal abuse.

Anger or not talking are rewards for verbal abuse. I suggest that you take steps to break the cycles that have been set up in your marriage, of drinking and verbal abuse. Your part of the cycle is anger, not talking and not finding ways to stroke your husband's ego.

A Blithering response

"I know you think that I hid you bottle of E & J, and you know that I would prefer that you start drinking later in the day on your days off. Certainly a good wife should not try to hide the bottle. Certainly you are responsible in your work, and I respect the efforts you make in getting to work, and the effort in earning wages. You know that my Christian beliefs are a sources of strength to me, so when you criticize my religious beliefs, that is discuaraging to me. I undersand that you feel that I was disrespectful to you, by your belief that I hid the bottle of E & J, but I want to assure you that I value all your work that you do, and I believe that you are entitled to a large measure of enjoyment, and I hope that we can ....... as part of our marital bliss"






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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Tue Dec 25, 2012 8:37 pm

Phrases for when a wife is inconsiderate in her remarks.

A. I would rather hear compliments. That sounds like criticism. Could you think of some compliments fro me?

B. Is there some way we could have a more pleasant atmosphere in the house?

C. Is there something deeper that gives you some unhappiness? Your comments seem aimed at a super-ficial issue.


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Re: My wife is hyper critical, please help!

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Jan 18, 2013 11:20 am

I have personally been applying Boredom, when my wife is less than pleasant in her remarks. So I use pleasant Gibberish when she blows off steam.

But I have started anotehr approach, in addition. I have mentioned to my wife, that sometimes she uses a MAKE-WRONG approach. I myself had to brake myself of that habit. Our 35 Year Old son uses taht approach, as well, and it limits his earning power, inmy opinion.

I presented the concept to my wife that she could set a better example for our son, who is still in frequent contact with our home, if my wife were to avoid the make wrong approach.

My wife and I pray together, on occasion. My wife sometimes uses her ideas on religion, as a means to prove to herself, that I am WRONG in one way or another. I introduced the Make Wrong concept to her when she was beligerantly suggesting we neededd to pray more often.

So I have now introduced the concept that my wife has a habit of MAKE WRONG, without her being consciously aware of her putting me down.

The idea of the Boring Baroque resposnse is so that the abusive partner will stop the habit of slamming and dishing. For my wife, I am trying some ordinary habit changing strategy. Motivation and change. "I think we could provide a more constructive example for our son to earn a better living, if we avoided unneccessary put-downs."


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