Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby Happinessoneday » Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:14 am

My husband discusses our marriage problems with his family and both male and female friends. I believe that our marriage is private and if you must discuss our problems then it should be with God first. If it is necessary to seek help beyond Him, then a a professional or a trustworthy family member or friend. My husband talks to anyone, including strangers that he meets (that's yet another problem that we'll discuss within another forum). I am so incredibly uncomfortable with this practice and I have expressed this to him, but he simply doesn't get it. I understand his need to discuss our problems with someone, but why does he insist on making our business so public. We are currently separated and although we have made attempts at reconcilation, the same issues exist. I'm exhausted!!! During our most recent argument he stated that "someone" told him that our getting back together was a bad idea. WHAT!!! Clearly he provided this "someone" with enough information to form an opinion. I sincerely don't know what to do anymore. He obviously doesn't respect my feelings about this. Unfortunately, this isn't our only problem. There are actually a few more major problems. I have decided to throw in the towel, but the decision wasn't made easily. We have been separated for a little more than a year and it just isn't getting better.[/code]
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Intimacy Violated

Postby IAmTheThinkingWoman » Mon Oct 17, 2011 4:08 pm

This has got to be a very sore spot with you. Sounds like he needs dialogue to come to conclusions within himself, or to validate his view of whats happening.

Women typically feel betrayed by this move.

Perhaps a therapist who would see you individually, and then together. Man would have to commit to refraining from discussion elsewhere tho. And the therapy would need to be ongoing.

The difficult thing about therapists is that you need to find one that is appropriate to both your needs and this type of counseling situation.

Does the relationship have things going for it that would justify this kind of investment?

Remember - good relations are like money in the bank in marriage. A successful session of counseling can be extremely valuable in building the base.
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Thank you, thinking woman!

Postby Scott Haltzman » Tue Oct 18, 2011 7:36 am

Hi Thinking Woman,
Thanks for your insights on these issues. You can tell by the site that there is no shortage of marital problems, and you seem to have a lot of faith in the power of a great relationship.
Scott Haltzman
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Location: Barrington, RI

Postby Faith4Lyfe » Mon Nov 07, 2011 7:44 pm

“Love is not a fight, but it’s something worth fighting for.” That is a line in one of my favorite songs, called Love is Not a Fight, by Warren Barfield. Privacy is something that our society seems to forget all about, leaving those who want to keep their lives private feeling very uncomfortable. Your husband and your relationship is ultimately between you two and God. It is also important to be able to trust your husband to keep private and secret, those personal things that you share with him and him alone.
An important factor in any relationship, especially marriage, is communication. There are times where it is appropriate to communicate certain things with certain people. Some things are meant to only be communicated towards your spouse, just like some things are meant to just be communicated to a parent. This day and age people believe that what is going on in someone else’s life, is their business, when it really is not. I am currently taking a psychology class where we studied a topic called communication and adjustment. My professor explained the meaning of that to be, “Communication with others is an essential aspect of our lives and has a large impact on adjustment, and also that good communication enhances satisfaction in relationships. But then again, poor communication is a major source of relationships ending.” It sounds to me like there is a communication issue here, which I am hoping to help you overcome.
My understanding is that you are a woman of faith, as am I, and I believe that with God and the power of prayer, anything is possible. I think a key to this situation is clear, calm, communication. If you could get a chance to sit down with your husband, despite what has happened, and be completely calm and verbalize everything that is going on through your head about the whole situation. The more you hold back about what you’re feeling, the more he will turn to other people and share with them what is going on. In absolutely no way am I saying this is your fault, a relationship is a two Way Street, where both people have to work equally as hard to keep it going. My advice to you is to write him a letter, and honest letter that you give to him. And I think you need to press into God and truly pray about the entire situation and trust that God can help you two make the right decision and help you overcome this difficulty in your relationship. And lastly, I believe it is very important to make sure you tell your husband that you care for him, and reminisce on the day you both took those vows, and how much those mean to you and that you are willing to work at this. Good luck!
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Postby barwitch » Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:16 pm

It’s tough for any couple to split up. I think that doing that following inability for the two of you to communicate effectively is even tougher. How long have the two of you been married? Has your husband always been so willing to discuss his problems with other family members? Marriage is a very private union, just as you stated, any problems that he feels the two of you have should be discussed between the two of you first and then with your permission discussed with other family and close friends, people you both feel that you can trust.

According to my Psychology Professor, poor communication is a major cause of break-ups. Ineffective communication can cause a lot of difficulties for the two of you and good communication can only enhance satisfaction in relationships. I recently ended a 12 year marriage due to bad communication also. There were other factors at play, just as you stated. My ex-husband also felt it was ok to share very personal information with his mother and father. These were things that he and I should have worked on first, tried to solve and then if we both felt we needed help approached someone else for help that we BOTH felt comfortable talking to. He has now told me that he feels guilty about sharing these things and he realizes that they did help in the breakdown of our marriage. Personally I feel that there are many things that go on in a marriage that should never be discussed with anyone but the two of you.

I wish you lots of luck in trying to figure out what it is that you feel you should do. I am a firm believer in counseling. Having a non-judgmental third party can only help give the two of you insight. Couples rarely confront their disagreements openly. Talk with your husband, tell him how you really feel and hopefully the two of you can come to an agreement on how to handle this situation and for the two of you to move forward, whether that be together or separate.
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby Andrea1107 » Tue Nov 22, 2011 3:57 pm

“Communication is the activity of conveying meaningful information,” meaningful being the operative word. I think in this situation the wife is feeling like the important aspects of her relationship of which discusses with her husband are not being held confidential. It is a sort of betrayal she is experiencing. Our emotions are so real and so intense that if they are shared with the wrong audience it can be hurtful especially after she has already voiced to her husband that she feels uncomfortable with him sharing their intimacies with total strangers. You write that you are exhausted with the constant attempts to talk to him about how his behavior is hurtful. You feel as if he disregards your emotions and you don’t feel validated as a person.
It seems to me that your husband feels the need to talk to anyone who is willing to listen to his problems. It is so strange to hear of a man being so open. Typically men are more introverted and bottle their feelings. In a positive note maybe he is trying to get feedback as a way of dealing with the constant arguments you both are having.
Counseling may provide you both with an outside voice of reasoning. You write that there are other underlying issues you both have. To me I feel that the bigger problem may not just be that he is sharing this “meaningful information” with others but that there are deeper rooted problems in existence.
The fact that the two of you have separated is significant. I know there are many hurts but have you gotten any guidance or counseling from a religious figure? You write that you should first seek help from God. Have you done that already? And if so, do you feel that not even God can save this union?
Also, perhaps for your own mental health you should get individual counseling to help you deal with the mistrust and the other issues you have developed since being married. Maybe that will help you see more clearly and help resolve some inner struggles you may be dealing with.
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby peace333 » Mon Dec 05, 2011 9:43 pm

I have read your statement regarding your husband discussing your marital problems with others and how uncomfortable it makes you. You state that “someone” had told your husband that getting back together was a bad idea which obviously he had communicated with them the issues you two are having in your relationship. Another comment you make is that there are a few more major problems that you both are having in your relationship which you do not express in your writing. I have to say that I am sorry for you having to go through this and I know how you must be feeling exhausted.

When we marry we marry thinking that this is going to be for life as it is intended to be under most of our religions and what we are brought up to believe. I understand how you feel. I can see that you have spoken to him about your concerns and it seems that it has been many times that you have done this. In a class I am taking my professor stated that “communication is not one way but bi-directional”. I can see that you have communicated with him but has he with you? Another statement made by my professor is that “the number one goal in relationships should be to make your partner happy. You can’t satisfy your partner if you don’t listen to them and understand their wants and needs.” I can see that your spouse is not trying to make you happy with understanding your needs to keep your personal business between you and him only. I can truly see your frustrations and how you are trying your best to work on your marriage and save it.

Listening to you I can see you have made up your mind to end the marriage. Only you know how you really feel and what you have put into this relationship. It seems that you are the only one trying to save this marriage. You, crying out fall’s on deaf ears and that is not fair to you. You are putting in the effort but it seems he is not. Your exhaustion comes from always fighting for your marriage and your frustration of not receiving back the same effort from your spouse. Although, we try to think people can change sometimes they do not. Your other major problems in your relationship are just adding to this or vice versa. It seems that your best choice may be your only choice at this point and move on and know in your heart that you have done all you can and that you may not have any more to give. It seems it has been going on for quite some time and your health and mental state are more important to you at this point. I know it is hard for you to toss in the towel as you state but it may be better for you to put this all behind you and try to find happiness and peace within yourself and in the future with someone else. Good luck and know that you have tried and put in a lot of time and patience with this. I wish you peace and happiness in your future.
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby mujercita15 » Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:51 pm

Marriage is the communion of two human being that are willing to be together to the rest of their lives.That now a day is very hard not to get a divorce after 6 moths or a year. I think that you made the best decision in getting separated from your husband just because he doesn't respect you as a woman, I feel that a real man does not talk about there personal marriage problem to just anyone. He should have consulted you first and told you how he felt.We woman have more dignity and lose more and tend to be density with personal problems. What I don't understand is why he is exhibiting your personal life to everyone , but he is not discussing the problems with you at least trying to reach out for some help professionally.I feel that you are a strong woman and that you made the best decision in getting separated I think that he will never change just because if he is willing to go to the extreme to put your marriage in risk and tell EVERYONE about your problem for me that is not a man.A marriage would only be successful if you both encourage each other if there is enough trust within the relationship and if only both become one and fight through the end.But with my understanding you are the only one that is fighting to save the marriage and to make a marriage it takes two not one. You even said there are other issues that you don't say so this is not the only thing that bothering you.You have to take all of this is consideration.You have to do what you heart feel is the right thing because no one knows what you are going through but yourself. I think the best thing that you should do is let him go and start a new life because you said that its just getting worst as time pass bye and is going to get more frustrating and stressful . He has to love and respect himself to be able to love another person.One of the things that I learned in class is that what you see home is what you are in the future.Maybe your husband lived this is his household with his parents and now he is doing it in his marriage.Another thing that I learned is that when you are in a short marriage or relationship people don't tend to show there real colors (personality) but after two years they become themselves, this is what might have happen in this case.Is time to think a little about yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby Patrick717 » Wed Feb 22, 2012 12:01 pm

I got to this thread by looking for similar threads before I posted. I think I will post my own thread but I want to address your post as well.

I know how you feel about having your problems discussed with others. I'm finding the same thing. By listening closely to what is being said by others I can tell who has been told what. My wife says that she has only discussed our issues with two of our friends and her therapist. It appears she chose those friends because she trusts them and they are not the friends we frequently interact with. But I hear things from so many of our friends I can tell there are MANY others that know. I have even overheard her discussing our sex life with a mutual friend. That person was NOT one of the ones she admitted to and I would expect this friend to talk to anyone / everyone about that sort of thing.

In discussing this sort of thing with two different therapists and my ex-wife (both when I was divorced about 20 years ago), I heard several things. One- women expect to discuss anything / everything with their friends. Two - they expect their husbands to never discuss their "private lives" with anyone. It might just be me, but this appears to be a double standard. And one that I find very offensive. I'm finding the same situation is happening again. And I'm even more offended because we had discussed what happened way back then and how much it hurt me.
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby rbell » Sun Dec 02, 2012 3:54 pm

I can understand how when your husband talks to other people about your private problems could cause problems. I personally am the type of person to keep issues to myself. When I do feel the need to talk to someone I agree with you that the best thing to do is talk to God first and then a trustworthy family member or friend. You have a right to be mad at your husband for talking to random people about your problems but it also shows he’s looking for help.

Dr. Haltzman said “Marriage problems? If you seek counseling, find a therapist who is pro-marriage. Too many therapists look at your relationship issues and jump to the conclusion that you have a bad marriage, a bad spouse or just bad luck. I’ve had patients who genuinely wanted to save their marriage who, after just one visit, were given the phone number of divorce lawyers by a therapist”. In order to fix this marital issue you personally need to have hope that your problem can be fixed. You not only need to have hope but also seek help from a professional.

I believe therapy is your best option. Finding help may be your best and only option taking into account how long the issue has been going on. Dr. Haltzman believes if you are seeking help, a pro-marriage therapist will offer the best help. They will see the situation as fixable and give practical advice on how to work out your husband’s communication issue and also you’re unspoken problems.

As you said in you’re post you also have other marital problems but if you truly believed you were giving up you wouldn’t have posted on an advice blog. Cling to the hope you still have in your marriage and voice to your husband you are not ready to give up. Find a friend, family member, or a therapist to talk to that believes you can fix your broken marriage.
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby Tagargano » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:50 am

So you have talked to your husband about the problem correct? And he continues to do it? I can see why it would get frustrating especially when it is both male and female friends he is sharing the information with. I can tell you are very uncomfortable, like you said he even talks to strangers. I agree that he does need to talk to someone about your relationship but it upsets you that your problems are so public. I understand that you are separated and things are not getting any better. The fact that things are not getting better means something needs to change.
Dr. Scott Haltzman had posted some quotes saying, “My friends know what I need better than you do,” and “My friends stand by me when you don’t.” Friends stand by each other no matter what. When a relationship is having problems it is usually because the two people do not agree or see each other’s needs on a certain subject. Therefore your partner will not stand by your decision because they disagree with it, but your friend will always look like the good guy because they will take your side.
I believe this relates a lot to your problems. There are some things that people only share with their friends. Your partner might really believe these quotes. Maybe he tells his friends these problems because he believes they know what is best for him rather than you. Or maybe he shares these things with others and not you because he is afraid to make things even worse. Because you disagree and have problems he thinks his friends stand by him more than you because they are going to side with him when you will most likely do the opposite and fight for what you believe.
I think you both need to try and communicate and talk things out. You need to put yourselves in each other’s shoes to see how your partner views things. See what his reason behind telling everyone is. I suggest maybe some marriage counseling so they can teach you some ways to communicate. Let him know you want to work things out and how things are only getting worse. Tell him how much it upsets you when he shares your problems with others and not you. Try and see why he won’t just share them with you. I truly hope you can both make it through this problem. I believe with a little communication a lot can be fixed.
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby NYzenlife » Tue Dec 11, 2012 10:17 pm

I found this forum while searching for the same issue. I know how you feel and how bad it hurts to have your personal marital issues shared with friends and family. It's the biggest form of betrayal and causes us to lose trust, honor and respect for our hubbies. This issue has been ongoing in our marriage for the past 3 years and I'm at the point where I feel like I am the crazy one because I get angry when he involves friends and family. Everyone tells me to let it go because there is nothing I can do to change him.

When we've gotten into arguments in the past, he has the tendency to run to his mom or a group of his guy friends to slander me and share every detail of our argument. They do this because they are seeking validation..someone to tell them that they are right. Hubby has even admitted in counseling that he has a problem keeping our marital issues private and that he goes to his mom and friends because he is feeling angry and they will validate him. I believe he goes only to a certain group of people that he knows will accept his side of the story as the WORD. True friends that are in healthy marriages wouldn't continue to enable him to do this I truly believe. Mine sure wouldn't tolerate this behavior from me.

Sure, I talk to one or 2 people when I am venting but I would never allow my friends to badmouth him or disrespect him. It's hard for me to talk to anyone besides a counselor about our issues and I hate involving friends and family. Even when I'm upset, I make sure to let my confidant know that I love my husband and respect him but I am frustrated and need someone to talk to. We are at our worst during an argument or conflict and anything we say or do is out of hurt or anger. It's not who we are. We are not our mistakes or our harsh words or hurtful actions during a time of conflict. This is when we are most vulnerable.

I've tried to talk to my husband in an honest and gentle way about the feelings of hurt that this form of betrayal hurts. It is my number 1 trigger and he knows this. It causes me to act irrationally and to snoop through his phone or e-mail to see what he has been saying about me. I never learn! 90% of the time I find deleted e-mails or text messages that he has sent to his friends or family when he was angry that mentioned how horrible, awful and mean I am and that he wants to leave the marriage. He threatens this every time out of anger but I've realized over the past 4 years that it's a pattern and just words to hurt me. This is the worst time you should communicate outside of the marriage because the story will be one sided.

To make matters worse, his new action has hurt me deeper than slandering me to HIS friends and family. Now he has turned to MY friends and family and he has started to call my aunt who raised me to vent and to tell her how horrible I am. She knows the situation of course and doesn't take his word as the end all be all. He'll call my friends also. So what if I got mad at you and made the mistake of calling you an asshole for going to the strip club and lying to me about it and then snooping through your e-mail and phone?! Does it mean you have to tell everyone how mad I got at you for going to the strip club and snooping (which was wrong I admit)? Oh wait, you forgot to mention to them the part where you lied to me about it which is why I got angry at all. I pride myself in the fact that my support system would never reject him because of a dificult time and that they understand that there are two sides to the story. All my friends and family still love him and I think that is amazing :D Would his friends or family ever talk to me about him if I were to call? Heck no! We've separated in the past and his friends treated me like I was invisible and a psycho and cut off all contact with me and even deleted me from social networking sites?! WTFreak :) Why would you want friends like that? I love it when my support system tells me that I am wrong if I slip and say something inappropriate out of anger about him.

The hardest part when we got back together after our separation was dealing with the ramifications of all the bad mouthing. Of course I don't feel safe or protected or secure going to your families house for the holiday! They hate me because of the damage you have done over and over again and it's a fake welcome for me into their home. I'm not happy. Of course I don't feel comfortable if your friend Josh comes over (used to be our mutual friend until you took care of that), the one who sent you text messages that I was crazy, psycho, and that you could do better and then uninvited me to three planned events with mutual friends after you had a nice long vent session with him!

Will he ever change? I don't know what else to do but I can't continue to live in a relationship where I feel like I can't share my inner most thoughts and feelings without my hubby sharing them with everyone? Why would he want to make his friends and family not like me? I don't understand and I'm not sure I ever will. To me that is the CARDINAL rule of marriage...always uphold, protect and support your spouse. Is this just how some men communicate and they feel the need to express themselves to someone else to vent?

Am I the PROBLEM? Is it crazy to have this expectation and desire to have an ounce of privacy, trust and honor in our marriage? Because I feel like I am going crazy and no one is flat out telling him he has a problem with this. My own family (aunt and sisters) stopped taking his calls because even though they love him they felt like they were enabling this bad behavior and once he realized he had an ear he would call about EVERYTHING. I feel like he felt that he had convinced his side and so it was time to move onto my side to get the support and validation he craves. Is this normal? This issue cause me to feel lost, hurt, betrayed, abandoned and confused more than ever. :cry:

I love my husband dearly and I will do anything to keep our marriage together but one of us is going to have to give. I have to stop reacting and letting his actions hurt me or he has to stop sharing our marital issues with everyone. Should I take the high road and practice forgiveness, love and trust and just let it continue to happen?
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Re: Husband discusses marriage problems with others

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Dec 14, 2012 3:51 am

To NY Zen Life,

While ther are some types of people in whom criticizing others is deply ingrained, and difficult to change. It may be the high road to remind your husband that it hurts you when he discusses marital issues with others.

You might put a time on your calendar, when yo will have a half hour or so, when you can ask your husband to discuss with you any issues he migh taaaant to vent about regarding the amrrage. You can practice develping your venting skills, and remind him that talking to others hurt syou, but that you are willing to listen to his frustation in marrage.

Another idea is that you might invite your hubande to have a couseling session, with a counselor who will keep his comments private and confidentail. So the counselor could be the person who draws out the venting.

You might ask your husband if he has discussed his complaints wtih others, and if he is untruthful, that may be an indication that his criticizing you is part of a deeper attitude. Dow your husband cleverly critize others to you, behind their back? To others, in your presence, but avoiding comments to people directly? Those are indications of a deeper problem.

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