by pavlov89 » Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:00 pm
I am a man that has struggled with fluctuating weight over the years myself. For me, I find that when I'm either depressed or frustrated I turn to food as a coping mechanism. It is a means of self gratification, even if it's only for the moment. What made me finally decide to change my eating habits was seeing the toll it took on my health. I was tired all the time, I lacked energy and the motivation for daily activities and got sick and tired of looking at my stomach in the mirror. My buddies were helpful in encouraging me to join their gym and got me on a workout routine which helped me drop over 50 lbs in 6 months.
Has your wife dealt with weight issues in the past? If so, how did she deal with them? Did any kind of stressor or factor contribute to her increased eating/ decreased exercise? What about trying to get her to join a gym with you? Have you tried buying healthier foods to have around the house instead of bad snacks or desserts? What did you say to her when she makes up excuses for her eating?
From what I've learned in my Social Psychology class, there are numerous social, biological, and psychological factors that affect people with weight issues/ eating disorders. Focusing on social/psychological factors, a person can feel the need to overeat based on: feelings of low self esteem or inadequacy, troubled personal relationships, a difficulty expressing emotions/feelings, a history of being abused earlier in life based on size or weight, feeling of a lack on control over one's life. If not treated, health problems stemming from weight gain can include increased cholesterol and blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes.
Approaching this issue with your wife is a sensitive matter, but one in which you must face. Dr. Haltzman has found men in successful marriages deal with conflict in their marriage the same way they would with conflict at work. In this sense, the skills of listening, planning, and considering all options are important to conflict resolution rather than simply ignoring the problem and walking away. For Haltzman, "Its Ok to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and emotional withdrawal. When the heat builds up up, don't take off in a huff."
Following what Haltzman says about conflict resolution, It seems that you're uncomfortable with facing the problem. You said yourself you haven't brought up the subject to her in several years. This seems to have resulted in a withdrawal in you from her, both emotionally and physically and sexually. Haltzman would say that the problem is only getting more severe by not facing it and that it is causing you both to withdraw from each other. Additionally the increase in weight by your wife to almost 280 lbs increases her chances of developing potentially severe health problems down the line.
I know that the weight issue is a touchy subject to discuss with anyone, particularly women and particularly your wife. The problem is not going to fix itself and deep down she probably realizes it. I know for myself there was a sense of shame and helplessness that accompanies being overweight. I hated seeing myself in pictures but at the same time I felt helpless to do anything to fix the problem. This is where she needs your help. It is going to be uncomfortable and maybe even unpleasant to discuss. Don't chastise her, but listen to what she has to say. You can express your concern for her, her health, her happiness and how it affects your relationship. Don't forget to tell her you love her and you're there for her. Start making healthy meals at home and offer to join a gym with her.