I found this forum while searching for the same issue. I know how you feel and how bad it hurts to have your personal marital issues shared with friends and family. It's the biggest form of betrayal and causes us to lose trust, honor and respect for our hubbies. This issue has been ongoing in our marriage for the past 3 years and I'm at the point where I feel like I am the crazy one because I get angry when he involves friends and family. Everyone tells me to let it go because there is nothing I can do to change him.
When we've gotten into arguments in the past, he has the tendency to run to his mom or a group of his guy friends to slander me and share every detail of our argument. They do this because they are seeking validation..someone to tell them that they are right. Hubby has even admitted in counseling that he has a problem keeping our marital issues private and that he goes to his mom and friends because he is feeling angry and they will validate him. I believe he goes only to a certain group of people that he knows will accept his side of the story as the WORD. True friends that are in healthy marriages wouldn't continue to enable him to do this I truly believe. Mine sure wouldn't tolerate this behavior from me.
Sure, I talk to one or 2 people when I am venting but I would never allow my friends to badmouth him or disrespect him. It's hard for me to talk to anyone besides a counselor about our issues and I hate involving friends and family. Even when I'm upset, I make sure to let my confidant know that I love my husband and respect him but I am frustrated and need someone to talk to. We are at our worst during an argument or conflict and anything we say or do is out of hurt or anger. It's not who we are. We are not our mistakes or our harsh words or hurtful actions during a time of conflict. This is when we are most vulnerable.
I've tried to talk to my husband in an honest and gentle way about the feelings of hurt that this form of betrayal hurts. It is my number 1 trigger and he knows this. It causes me to act irrationally and to snoop through his phone or e-mail to see what he has been saying about me. I never learn! 90% of the time I find deleted e-mails or text messages that he has sent to his friends or family when he was angry that mentioned how horrible, awful and mean I am and that he wants to leave the marriage. He threatens this every time out of anger but I've realized over the past 4 years that it's a pattern and just words to hurt me. This is the worst time you should communicate outside of the marriage because the story will be one sided.
To make matters worse, his new action has hurt me deeper than slandering me to HIS friends and family. Now he has turned to MY friends and family and he has started to call my aunt who raised me to vent and to tell her how horrible I am. She knows the situation of course and doesn't take his word as the end all be all. He'll call my friends also. So what if I got mad at you and made the mistake of calling you an asshole for going to the strip club and lying to me about it and then snooping through your e-mail and phone?! Does it mean you have to tell everyone how mad I got at you for going to the strip club and snooping (which was wrong I admit)? Oh wait, you forgot to mention to them the part where you lied to me about it which is why I got angry at all. I pride myself in the fact that my support system would never reject him because of a dificult time and that they understand that there are two sides to the story. All my friends and family still love him and I think that is amazing
Would his friends or family ever talk to me about him if I were to call? Heck no! We've separated in the past and his friends treated me like I was invisible and a psycho and cut off all contact with me and even deleted me from social networking sites?! WTFreak
Why would you want friends like that? I love it when my support system tells me that I am wrong if I slip and say something inappropriate out of anger about him.
The hardest part when we got back together after our separation was dealing with the ramifications of all the bad mouthing. Of course I don't feel safe or protected or secure going to your families house for the holiday! They hate me because of the damage you have done over and over again and it's a fake welcome for me into their home. I'm not happy. Of course I don't feel comfortable if your friend Josh comes over (used to be our mutual friend until you took care of that), the one who sent you text messages that I was crazy, psycho, and that you could do better and then uninvited me to three planned events with mutual friends after you had a nice long vent session with him!
Will he ever change? I don't know what else to do but I can't continue to live in a relationship where I feel like I can't share my inner most thoughts and feelings without my hubby sharing them with everyone? Why would he want to make his friends and family not like me? I don't understand and I'm not sure I ever will. To me that is the CARDINAL rule of marriage...always uphold, protect and support your spouse. Is this just how some men communicate and they feel the need to express themselves to someone else to vent?
Am I the PROBLEM? Is it crazy to have this expectation and desire to have an ounce of privacy, trust and honor in our marriage? Because I feel like I am going crazy and no one is flat out telling him he has a problem with this. My own family (aunt and sisters) stopped taking his calls because even though they love him they felt like they were enabling this bad behavior and once he realized he had an ear he would call about EVERYTHING. I feel like he felt that he had convinced his side and so it was time to move onto my side to get the support and validation he craves. Is this normal? This issue cause me to feel lost, hurt, betrayed, abandoned and confused more than ever.
I love my husband dearly and I will do anything to keep our marriage together but one of us is going to have to give. I have to stop reacting and letting his actions hurt me or he has to stop sharing our marital issues with everyone. Should I take the high road and practice forgiveness, love and trust and just let it continue to happen?