Being a step-father

Being a step-father

Postby goofy59 » Sun Feb 12, 2006 5:49 pm

My wife and I are happy in our relationship. She has twin 15 yr. old girls from a prior relationship. The girls have never know their father who left before their birth. I am the first adult male in their lives. I don't know if they dislike the time my wife and I spend together, seeing it as I am stealing their mother from them or if they just do not like having an adult male in their lives. I have explained to them I love them as much as my own daughter and have been (and will continue) to treat them the same as my daughter (same rules and consiquences for breaking rules). Don't get me wrong, these are not bad kids both are honor roll students never in trouble with the law both involved in after school activities basically GOOD KIDS!!!!! They just seem not able to form a "father-daughter" relationship with me. Anyone have any ideas????????? I work in the mental health field so we have already tried seeking help in that direction.
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Postby olderReachingForWiser » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:51 pm

I'll bet there are a couple hundred different factors that could be involved here. My husband and I have been married for 5 years (dated for 4 years prior to that). He never had children; I have a now teenage daughter (15), and 2 grown sons. My sons practically worship him; they look up to him, ask his advice, forgive his faults, call him up just to chat, etc.

My daughter, however, is not close to him. She will talk to me about all kinds of personal girl-type things, but stays fairly formal with him. I suspect that part of the reason is that she needs someone who is be able to relate to her rollercoaster emotional days without judgement or condescending advice. Her personality and temperament is much different than his, and without some kind of emotional basis for connection, warm father-daughter togetherness just isn't going to happen out of the blue.

Depending on your patience and capacity for empathy (my husband's does not extend far enough to tackle this), you may wish to consider starting with very small steps and keep a very long range plan in mind - could take years. Spend time with them, be attentive to their interests and emotional state, display your empathy and support for where they are at, gently suggest any personal insights you might have to offer (what I consider the best of the 'warmly mentoring father' ideal) (warning! no criticism! that is sure to close them up!). But it will take lots of time, lots of repeated 'proof' if you will, that you are not just a benign dictator but someone who genuinely has their best interests at heart and highly values and understands their feelings.

A lot of this depends very much on the kind of temperament your girls have, and their own level of maturity. They may be good students, but if they are essentially totally "into" their own world (e.g., self-centered, judgemental, etc. - just examples! not saying this is the case!), it will be doubly hard. Actually, I think you are probably pretty close to the mark with the note that you are the first adult male in their lives - the caution and reserve will only come down with time and repeatedly showing that you can be trusted in every way.

Good luck! It is to your immense credit that you actually want to do this - I have a lot of respect for you even making the attempt.
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Postby tlescak » Fri Feb 24, 2006 12:45 pm

The sad fact of the matter is that these girls will NEVER establish a "Father-Daughter" relationship with you. This is a reality you must face. These girls are just too old. My data comes from a book I read about being a stepfather. If you like I will pull it off my shelf and give you the title and author. Of course I don't know if the owner of this site wants other therapists books being plugged here.

When you marry into a stepfamily with teenage kids the best you can hope for is to be their friend. Do not give up on assuming the role of a father, they do need this, even if they don't realize it or appreciate it.
The sad reality is that NO stepfather can or should try to take the place of a "real" father, a bio-dad if you will. If you enter into competition with the real dad it is a contest you are destined to lose. Even a deceased or estranged father wields supreme power over the stepdad, as the child tends to idealize or create a fantasy figure of a father in their mind. You are being compared to an ideal, that you will never be able to live up to.

If you marry into a family with very young kids you have a better chance of being accepted as a father figure. But with teenagers you are usually faced with resentment. So if you can at least have a positive relationship with them that doesn't degrade into a horribel mess, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

BTW I am a stepfather, and after being in a marriage for 5 years I am still "breaking the ice."
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from the kids point of view

Postby txexwife » Fri Jul 28, 2006 11:28 am

My mom remarried when I had just turned 15. I do not and never have had a dad/daughter relationship with my step dad. I agree with the other post that you will never be their dad. Quite trying. Be something better. You can be the man that they use as the measuring stick when they are looking at boys. You can also be the one they come to for advise on dating if you handle it right. Just don't treat them like they are your child. They know they are not. Be like an older brother. At 15 they are too close to being out of the house for you to instantly become dad. They need that male input and guidance. Be flexible and brutally honest. Make rules with their input and their mothers - maybe at something like a family meeting. You are in a place where you can really affect what type of man they date if you handle it right. Be flexible and I really hope things work out for you.
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Postby Patriarch Verlch » Sat Jul 29, 2006 1:27 pm

I disagree.

I think that if a father comes in and rules the roost like a man is supposed to, that the new children that come under his authority, through his wife, will recognize that father figure and allow him to lead.

Now if his new wife is looking for an effeminate man that she can boss around, or have him cater to him, this scenario is a different story.

A man needs to establish his role as protector of the ladies. Remind them of how much he really is needed, and advertise they cannot live without him. But he has to be strong, and his wife needs to be a good woman, and back him up for his authority to work. If she spends her days tearing him down, sobbing over peanuts, all of which weaken him in the eyes of their children.

A loving relationship with the man in charge will be the only one that will work smoothly. When was the last time you saw two captions of a ship? Or two Presidents of the United States? Fact is none of us have.

I believe that men and women, when the marry, become one flesh, with the man in charge. If the man beats his wife, he is beating himself, and if the women belittles her husband to "brow beat him into submission" she is weakening herself and her family.

Unity is of the up most importance, you cannot have a house divided, nor can you have two leaders. It will fall apart.

Men are stronger, faster, bigger, therefore are better suited for the position of leader. The women can be leader of the home, caring for her children with her breast milk. Breast milk is the best nourishment on the planet for the human race, why deprive them of that to, "storm off to the corner office" to play trucks with the boys?

Sure the world isn't perfect, but why destroy it?
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feeling like a failure

Postby cycleMan » Thu Nov 26, 2009 3:02 am

I took on a 4 year old stepson and now he is 17. He saw his father on weekends and the father really stressed to him that he didn't need to listen to me. My wife protected him, babied him and wanted me to love him the same as our biological children. My wife says she slept through the first 12 years of marriage. She had many health problems. She stayed home with the kids and I worked. When I first married, my stepson would be up until midnight and I had to be up about 7am. Not long ago, he was sneaking out his bedroom window to spend the night with his girlfriend and that didn't go well. I wanted to protect my younger children from him as he has a hot temper, put 9 holes in the walls of the house and has little self control or level of morality. My wife abandoned the religion that had drawn us together 13 years ago. She got into some -other- stuff. I lost interest in her opinions on things. I lost interest in her. A year later she is leaving. I was not there for her emotionally. When she told me about this change I was shell-shocked. I love who she used to be. I think my not being closer to my stepson messed things up. My not being comfortable going on a date with her and leaving the younger kids with their much older but not emotionally older, older brother caused problems. Probably biggest problem is that I have trouble loving someone that is doing things I either hate or that I want to protect my kids from. Initially that was my stepson. It became my wife, too.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:10 am

I have a grandson, I should take some time to talk to him about some principles of being coniderate and succssful. I had a talk with him the other day, after I had made some over-stated corrections. Seems like he was willing to listen to what I was trying to say.

Where do you want to start?

How can you find some common ground on religion? How can you widen your religious view to include her current belief systeems, so you don't have to think contradictory thoughts about your wife?

What could be some topics of conversation with your 17 Year Old stepson, at this time?

How are your children being harmed by your Step-son? How can you ask him to be considerate of beoing a good example to them? What steps would you like to see, as progress?

..
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Re: Being a step-father

Postby soccergirl12 » Sat Dec 03, 2011 6:22 pm

That is great that you’re trying really hard to form a father-daughter relationship with them. I have a step dad and I don’t have a close relationship with him as much as I want to. I feel that you should really get to know them, ask them questions about what’s going on in their life’s and what they are interested in. I’m sure that they don’t dislike you or dislike the time that you’re spending with their mother. Maybe they just have to get used to the fact that there is a father figure in their life now. That’s a lot to adjust to but as well for you.

As Scott Haltzman quoted “For most American families, snow storms are the closest thing to living as settlers. We have to work as a together to conquer the elements”. I feel that this quote relates to you because if you show your step daughters that you love them no matter what and that you’re not going anywhere and that you want to work on the relationship with them and you are trying to get along with them then they will appreciate that. Make sure you don’t wait long on fixing your relationship because it can end up being too late and you will regret that.

You should do activities as a family in stuff that you like to do and what they like to do. It will make your relationship stronger with them. Also, if your wife sees that you have a good relationship with her daughters then that will make you both have a great marriage and she will be satisfied with the fact that you are helping her raise her daughters. I think as long as you keep putting in effort, everything will be fine and you will form a father-daughter relationship with them. :D
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Re: Being a step-father

Postby codeirobrown » Mon Dec 03, 2012 9:26 pm

So you spend a lot of time with your wife and you feel that your stepdaughters are seeing that as being robbed of their mother-daughter time, correct? Or you don’t really know how they react to all the time you and your wife spend together because they aren’t able to connect with you on a father-daughter level yet? In my own experience, this is a normal thing for the girls so seeking mental health help, as you have already found, isn’t going to work. My mother has been the only one there for me since birth so when she started dating a guy, it was like a natural instinct for me to back off from the male a bit. Not that I didn’t like him, but I was not used to any adult male in my life besides my brothers. It was hard for me to come around to the fact that he was going to spend time with her without me.

There is something called attachment. Dr. Misiurski says, “attachment is the emotional bond that forms between an infant and his or her caregiver(s).” My notes go on to discuss two different types of attachment called securely and insecurely. Secure attachment occurs when the infant’s parents are consistently warm, responsive, and sensitive to the infant’s needs. Insecure attachment occurs when parents are neglectful, inconsistent, or insensitive to the infant’s needs.

In your situation, (not that the girls are infants still), your stepdaughters are securely attached to their primary caregiver that is your wife. She is the only caregiver they have had since infancy because their father died before they were born. It is not their personality that is affecting this new situation because as you said they are successful kids, who securely attached children usually are, but it is their strong attachment that is causing the distance between you and them.

Since you want to establish that father-daughter relationship that they’ve never had, make a conscious effort in including them in the time you spend with your wife. More often than not, they’ll enjoy the same fun things you may want to do with your wife that you think are “outdated” for them. Explaining to them how much you love them and your fairness in discipline with your own daughter are definitely good practices to continue in the future in addition to including them and maybe your daughter as well in a “family fun night.”
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Re: Being a step-father

Postby kenpokb516 » Mon Dec 03, 2012 11:29 pm

So you are happily married with a woman who has 15 year old twin girls from a previous relationship. For how long have you been married to her? To my understanding, they never met their father, as he disappeared before their birth. You are the first adult male in their lives and you are worried because they don’t seem to be forming a “father-daughter” relationship with you. I can somewhat relate to this. My parents separated when I was 16 Years old and now two years later my mom is now getting re-married. Before this, my mom, sister and I were living on our own. With this new man in my mom’s life, my mom became more distant, spending more time with him, but that’s just life. I feel that it is for the best, but unfortunately I will never have a “father-daughter” relationship with this man. Even though he has done many generous things for us, which I am thankful for, I see him more so as a friend.

In my psychology class, Dr. Misiurski says, “Attachment is the emotional bond between infant and caregiver.” The person that cares for the child or children grows an attachment on that person. This can result in difficulty with separation between caregiver and child.

In your case, since these 15 year old twin girls have been raised by their mother, they don’t want to lose their mother. Spending more time with your wife will result in the attachment growing farther apart between mother and daughters.

Unfortunately, there will never be an exact “father-daughter” relationship, but it takes much time to grow close to each other. Even after a year of my mother being with her fiancé, I am still not accustomed to the fact that he will be my step father. As time goes by, I feel closer and closer to him but will never have that same bond. I suggest being there for them and doing things with them as much as possible. You never know, maybe one day they will grow an attachment to you.
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Re: Being a step-father

Postby codeirobrown » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:55 pm

So you spend a lot of time with your wife and you feel that your stepdaughters are seeing that as being robbed of their mother-daughter time, correct? Or you don’t really know how they react to all the time you and your wife spend together because they aren’t able to connect with you on a father-daughter level yet? In my own experience, this is a normal thing for the girls so seeking mental health help, as you have already found, isn’t going to work. My mother has been the only one there for me since birth so when she started dating a guy, it was like a natural instinct for me to back off from the male a bit. Not that I didn’t like him, but I was not used to any adult male in my life besides my brothers. It was hard for me to come around to the fact that he was going to spend time with her without me.
There is something called attachment. Dr. Misiurski says, “attachment is the emotional bond that forms between an infant and his or her caregiver(s).” My notes go on to discuss two different types of attachment called securely and insecurely. Secure attachment occurs when the infant’s parents are consistently warm, responsive, and sensitive to the infant’s needs. Insecure attachment occurs when parents are neglectful, inconsistent, or insensitive to the infant’s needs.
In your situation, (not that the girls are infants still), your stepdaughters are securely attached to their primary caregiver that is your wife. She is the only caregiver they have had since infancy because their father died before they were born. It is not their personality that is affecting this new situation because as you said they are successful kids, who securely attached children usually are, but it is their strong attachment that is causing the distance between you and them.
Since you want to establish that father-daughter relationship that they’ve never had, make a conscious effort in including them in the time you spend with your wife. More often than not, they’ll enjoy the same fun things you may want to do with your wife that you think are “outdated” for them. Explaining to them how much you love them and your fairness in discipline with your own daughter are definitely good practices to continue in the future in addition to including them and maybe your daughter as well in a “family fun night.”
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Re: Being a step-father

Postby DONBOMB420 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 9:04 pm

Hello, I read that you’re a happily married to a woman who had twin girls prior to your marriage. The father of the girls has never been in their lives and you are their first fatherly figure. From my understanding you have a daughter as well and cohabitate with them, making sure to delegate the rules fair and just to all three girls without placing favoritism to your own daughter. Worried they dislike you because of your relationship with their mother, maybe being some thought of losing her to you. This as I understand upsets you because you cannot seem to create that father to daughter bond.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that you see it as you stealing their mother away from them. I think that it is all tied to a negative prejudice most teens have towards stepparents. My psychology professor says that a prejudice is a negative judgment of a group and its individual members, usually supported by stereotypes. The group being step fathers, stereotypes may consist of any negative portrayal of a step parent on television; there are millions to choose from. Unfortunately stepparents get to do all the stuff biological parents do but get none of the credit.
As Dr. Haltzman says teach to and Learn from Children, parenting takes patience, but while you're teaching your children, they're teaching you! And I agree, you should try and be patient with them, listen to what they may be concerned with. When it comes down to it they are just looking out for what is best for their mother.
When my mother first remarried I absolutely hated my stepfather, it took year for us to build any sort of a relationship together. When he first came into our lives all I could think was he wanted to get rid of me and take my mom away. I did everything I could to make him not want to be around me and my mother. But he never gave up trying to do the right thing by my mother and I. Cases will vary but it didn’t take long for me to realize he had good intentions and wanted nothing but the best for us. So just be open, honest and communicate with the girls and everything will work out for the better. They should see that you only want to be a positive part of their lives.
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