FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby viv savio » Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:09 am

Hello I an new here, I am a 35 yowoman, my husband is 42 and our only son is 16yo. We have been married for 17 years.
Well, I get along wih both quite well, me alone with my husband or me alone with my son...but when we are all together it is very hard for me to feel fine as they both get very critical about each other and husband is 100% of the time complaining about everything our son does.
My son seems to get smaller around the father. He is a good boy, very good and hard working at school, we never had problems like drinking or drugs, he helps me washing the dishes and I think he is a great son.
But my husband is always trying to find any reason to criticize him when we are together. When they are alone at home wihtout me, they barely speak, my son stays in his room with the computer, and my husband watches tv.
I am aware that I have to be very careful enough to be around my son when my husband is at home, because when my husband feels I am on my son´s side he gets even worse with him and also rispid with me. But it breaks my heart to see the boy´s face after a dinner together with us. And of course he began to avoid going out with us to dinner or travel. What is also making me very worried. He is our only son, what will happen when he has his own life? I am afraid he will simply get the more distant he can and never visit us.
They never do things together like playing footbal or things like that. And we are Brazilians...we all love soccer and my son is very good at it.
Well what shocks me even more is that my husband always seemed to like children, when we visit his or my parents or friends who have children he always plays with them, he makes magic tricks and all kind of things he never did to our son.
I love my husband and our son and I get very upset to see this frozen treatment they give to themselves. Is it a past live thing?? I really don´t understand any of that but I have heard this from people I talk about this issue before.
I hope you can give me any light onver this problem, as I feel it will affect my son in a bad way. I wish I could help them.
Viviane
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Unbelievable

Postby bimmerchic » Thu Aug 20, 2009 10:21 am

I signed on to this site, read a few posts and decided that i would post something that i was experiencing in my home. Your letter is the same exact situation i am experiencing and it was unbelievable to read it as if i wrote it myself. I have been struggling with this for years and am very anxious for any advice anyone has to offer.
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby bwg22 » Mon Dec 05, 2011 8:44 pm

viviane,
Your conflict here seems to be that your son and husband do not get along with each other. Your husband seems to not want to engage your son in any activities together. “When they are alone at home wihtout me, they barely speak, my son stays in his room with the computer, and my husband watches tv.” This quote shows there is no communication between father and son which is hard on both the father and son. It is damaging to their relationship in the long run.
Communication is very important in relationships. It does not matter whether it is between a father and son or husband and wife. the principles remain the same. Open communication is very important and poor communication leads to conflict. One conflict you could be experiencing is, “Poor availability on the husbands part,” as professor Misurski would say. This could cause your husband to forget how to talk to his son.
In order to fix this you could try to do a couple of different things. One thing you could do is try to talk to your husband and let him know he needs to make an effort with his son. Another thing you could do is try to engage your son to try to do something with your husband. Finally you could try to give them a common activity that the three of you could do in order to ease them into doing things together again like for example playing soccer.
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby amerlino1 » Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:58 am

Viviane,
I am a 19-year-old that had similar problems with my father. Whenever I would get a good grade on a test or get a good grade in one class, he would always point out something I did wrong in another subject, or something that I did wrong a weeks ago. It always seemed like whenever I did something good, he would never acknowledge it because he never thought that I was good enough to him. One of the biggest problems that we had, like your husband and son, is that we almost never communicated. We barely talked to each other and when we did it was always my father asking me if I did this, or finished that. It sometimes seemed like I was talking to a business partner rather than a father.

One thing that I have been learning in my psychology class is how to have an intimate relationship with another person. Even though this lesson isn’t geared toward relationships in families, it goes over something very important in just about any relationship. One of the most important factors in a successful relationship is communication between one another. When your husband and son don’t communicate at all it puts stress on the few interactions that they do have.

Another important thing that might help is to find out why your husband is so hard on your son in the first place. I know that a few years ago when things with my father were really difficult, I finally found out why he was putting so much stress on my high school career. My mother had told me that when my father was younger and given the chance to go to a prestigious school with high standards, he chose to go the easy route and drop out of school. Ever since then he has regretted that decision and he didn’t want me to go down that same route. Even though this information would have been much more powerful coming from my father, it is nice to finally know why he had been putting so much stress on my all those years, and now I am thankful for it.

Maybe your husband is putting so much stress on your son is because he believes that he is capable of doing so much. The problem with this is that your son might feel overwhelmed at all these expectations; I know I did. If you find out why your husband is putting so much stress on your son, try and get your husband to tell your son why. Sometimes, knowing why someone is doing something helps a lot in understanding how someone else goes about doing something. I know that my father has been so hard on me now because he doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes that he made. Knowing this has helped me reassure myself that my father does care about me, and that the way he shows it is different.
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby Psycstudent » Sat Nov 09, 2013 6:30 pm

Hello Viviane. From what i gather from what you posted, Your husband and your son don't have a very strong relationship at all, correct? I also understand that you want to know the reason for why your husband has a bond with other children that he doesn't seen to have with your son. Did they at any point in your sons life have a stronger relationship than they do now? My father and I used to be the same way that you describe your family. The worst times I remember were after playing a great soccer game, flawless in my eyes, my dad would do nothing but criticize my technique and every other aspect of the game.

My psychology professor in my social psychology course taught us about attitudes and behaviors. An attitude is defined as a favorable or unfavorable evaluative reaction towards something or someone. Is it possible that he acts towards your son the way his father acted towards him when he was younger? Dr. Haltzman says that plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.

It is possible that your husband has a subconscious negative attitude toward your son. It could be completely involuntary, but due to past experiences in his life, maybe your son reminds him of a negative time in his past. It is very possible that your husband is just mimicking the way his father was towards him. When you are raised with a very critical or involved father in your life, it is easy to adopt those traits. There is also a good chance that one day your husband will realize that he has missed your sons life pass by right in front of his eyes, and he didn't allow himself to be a part of it.

I propose that you confront your husband and try to make him realize what he is missing out on by being so distant with his son. I would recommend not trying to fish out the reason for his actions unless he brings them up. Tying to understand your husbands reasons without him willing to talk could cause more conflict on an unrelated matter to the matter at hand. I would also recommend talking to your son and trying to get him to allow your husband in. In a lot of cases when two people have a negative past they leave a permanent wall up and it tends to be very hard to allow that person back into their life There is still hope in your family.
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby mason34 » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:35 am

Hi Viviana. I am sorry to hear that you're husband and son are having difficulty getting along. Based on your post, I believe that you, your son, and your husband are having difficulty bonding as a family should. Your husband is very critical and hard on your son even though he sounds to be a model child. Because of this lack of fatherly positive reinforcement, interactions between the two are very limited. Also when you enter the picture on the side with your son, your husband becomes even more critical of him. Also you say you are worried that because of this relationship your son may not want to visit you in the future.
Based on a psychology course I have taken, I believe that there are a few factors leading to difficulties among your family. In order for a family to flourish, all members need to communicate with each other. If there is no communication within a family there will be no family. It will slowly break apart if problems are not addressed and solved between a families members. Your families attitude about this situation is also contributing to a lack of interaction between father and son. As a familys attitude is negative, a person's actions will reflect this. How your family behaves as a group will also determine how successful it will be once problems arise. In the case of your family, confliction between father and son means that the behavior is not as it should be. Perhaps because of past experiences you're husband is acting the way that he is. As Dr. Haltzman says, " Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it." This quote is inferring that if your husband does not come to terms and accept your son for who he is and what a good son he is being your husband will miss enjoying your sons early adulthood.
In order for a family to grow and bond together communication between members is key. As problems arise among family members, each situation should be addressed and not withheld. If problems are not communicated within a family and are instead left to build in intensity, eventually and outburst will occur resulting in a fight. Fights never lead to happiness. Instead of letting emotions get the best of you communicate with your spouse and child and tell them why you are upset or bothered. There is no need to get mad or upset about anything, anger only leads to people getting hurt and separation. In your situation, your husband's attitude is the main problem in the relationship. Because he is so critical of your son neither are able to interact with one another resulting in higher than normal tensions in the family. As tensions rise so does the likely hood of a fight. As you side with your son, tensions will rise causing your husband to take defense and be even more critical towards your son. Depending on how your husband was raised may also contribute to the way he is treating your son. Perhaps your husband did not do as well in school, or made mistakes in his past life. If this is true maybe he is being so critical of your son because he does not want to see him make the same mistakes.
In order to solve this problem within your family communication has to be your number one priority. Talk to your husband separately from your son and understand why they are acting the way they are towards each other. Confront the two of them and discuss it as a family. Do not make any sole person feel blamed, instead allow both to realize that they need to work out their problems with each other instead of blaming and being critical of one another.
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby Mayiaddsomething » Tue Dec 03, 2013 9:46 am

When I was growing up I was in a similar situation. My father was very attentive with me when I was in junior high school. We sat down at the kitchen table and did homework, tossed the ball around in the yard and went to different sporting events. Typical father and son stuff. My mother would be in tow for some of the activities, but sports wasn't really her.. But all of that seemed to fade away when I entered high school. Dad seemed to dive deeper into his work and became very withdrawn from our relationship. My mother began to do the heavy lifting with me from my school work and my extracurricular activities. This caused many arguments between them because of his lack of interest with me. What my mother did was, she held him responsible for my development. She sat him down and pointed out his responsibility. I remember her being very subtle, kind and direct in her approach. But where my mother started with him was the beginning of our relationship. At this point in the beginning there was an secure attachment, between dad and I. She would say thing like "you know he always looks forward to you and him doing this or doing that." She always made a point that we needed each other. There was a lot of resolve as she opened his eyes to what he didn't see, and that was just because your son doesn't want or ask for anything doesn't mean he is self sufficient. As they talked they both discovered where things fell apart. Whether it was working overtime or dad hanging out with his buddies, or some other excuse. Priorities had to be created for our family to function. It's imperative that you and your husband revisit the foundation that made you strong as a family, and what I mean is. You two must communicate. Currently I'm enrolled in a psychology class and my professor covered a chapter on intimacy. A strong or stronger foundation of intimacy must be rekindle between you and him so there can be an open channel of communication. You have to be honest with yourself and get a strong foundation of communication then dad can move forward and put the pieces of the father and son relationship back together. Mom there are a few avenues you can take to jump start the reunion between dad and your son. You can use the direct approach and have a sit down with your husband or enlist the help of a counselor. Either way you communicate or they will stay stagnant and drift further and further apart...
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby D_BANKS » Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:25 am

You have a good relationship with both your husband and sun but the problem is they don’t have a good father and son relationship. When you are all together you can feel the tension between them and they tend to become very critical of each other where your husband complains or points out things your son has done or is doing wrong. You also stress the point that your son is hard working in school, helpful around the house, and well mannered. You’ve noticed his is good with other kids but not with your son and you are noticing that they are becoming distant from one another to the point where they aren’t in the same room let alone have ever played together outside like other father and sons do.
There is a theory called frustration aggression theory. My Professor taught us the frustration aggression theory. She says, “The theory is that frustration triggers a readiness to aggress physically or verbally.” According to my notes most times people use displacement to deal with their frustration. Displacement is the redirection of aggression to a target other than the source of the frustration. Genially, the new target is a safer or more socially acceptable target. Also in my professor also states that if a child is disciplined or treated in a specific way they are more likely to treat their children in the same manner they were treated. Dr Scott Haltzman talks about the 8 secrets to a happy marriage and although this is not about you and your husband some of the concepts can help with your sons and husbands relationship. He talks about learning to listen making, being there for him, and making him his job.
In your case it may be a mix of frustration, displacement, and how your husband was raised as a child. Something at work or just in his life makes him frustrated and he takes it out on your son. He may also only know how to raise your son by criticizing him because that is how he and his father interacted. That may be something you and your husband need to talk about. By asking to implement the 8 secrets to a happy marriage concepts with your son you may see an improvement in their relationship. The book helps with relationships and even though it is for marriage the concepts can also help other relationships like your husband and sons’ relationship.
I believe the first step is to first find out why this is the situation with both of them. Finding out why they are like that with each other is key in fixing this situation. Sometimes asking one to just try to interact with the other may help. Help them find one thing they have in common and like is also a good idea it will get them to talk with each other in a positive way. Let your husband know that if the treatment continues that his son will become even more distant not only from him but the family.
I myself was like that with my father and it got to a point where we got into physical confrontations. I became distant from all my family after a while, I not even speak to my mother at one point. As I got older I realized that I had to be the bigger person in the situation and try to work things out. We may not be where we’d like to be in a father son relationship but we work at it. I have come to find out that my father was raised in a military family and that was one of the reasons he was the way he was with me. I was lucky I realized that we needed to fix our relationship before it was too late and although it is not perfect we work on it everyday.
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby Mayiaddsomething » Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:34 am

When I was growing up I was in a similar situation. My father was very attentive with me when I was in junior high school. We sat down at the kitchen table and did homework, tossed the ball around in the yard and went to different sporting events. Typical father and son stuff. My mother would be in tow for some of the activities, but sports wasn't really her.. But all of that seemed to fade away when I entered high school. Dad seemed to dive deeper into his work and became very withdrawn from our relationship. My mother began to do the heavy lifting with me from my school work and my extracurricular activities. This caused many arguments between them because of his lack of interest with me. What my mother did was, she held him responsible for my development. She sat him down and pointed out his responsibility. I remember her being very subtle, kind and direct in her approach. But where my mother started with him was the beginning of our relationship. At this point in the beginning there was an secure attachment, between dad and I. She would say thing like "you know he always looks forward to you and him doing this or doing that." She always made a point that we needed each other. There was a lot of resolve as she opened his eyes to what he didn't see, and that was just because your son doesn't want or ask for anything doesn't mean he is self sufficient. As they talked they both discovered where things fell apart. Whether it was working overtime or dad hanging out with his buddies, or some other excuse. Priorities had to be created for our family to function. It's imperative that you and your husband revisit the foundation that made you strong as a family, and what I mean is. You two must communicate. Currently I'm enrolled in a psychology class and my professor covered a chapter on intimacy. A strong or stronger foundation of intimacy must be rekindle between you and him so there can be an open channel of communication. You have to be honest with yourself and get a strong foundation of communication then dad can move forward and put the pieces of the father and son relationship back together. Mom there are a few avenues you can take to jump start the reunion between dad and your son. You can use the direct approach and have a sit down with your husband or enlist the help of a counselor. Either way you communicate or they will stay stagnant and drift further and further apart...
Mayiaddsomething
 
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Re: FATHER AND SON RELATIONSHIP

Postby red20 » Wed Dec 04, 2013 10:28 pm

Hello Viv Savio,
It sounds like you are very worried about your husband’s and son’s relationship. I am also a male and can possibly guess where they are coming from. I have a sixteen-year-old brother. And it can be frustrating at times and I can remember back to when I was sixteen. My brother seems to be like your son by acting like he doesn’t like my father. One of the most famous psychological theory finders Sigmond Freud believed that human psychology is psychosexual according to my psychology professor. He believed that once a child reaches teen years they are in the latency stage of life, which is difficult for parents to handle. Teens in this stage tend to ignore their parents and have same sex relationships with their peers. Sexuality in this stage of life is repressed. From what your mentioning, it seems like your son is a good son to you and overall a good kid. It happened to me at age sixteen. My professor also says the frontal lobes of the brain doesn’t fully develop until you are eighteen. Your son’s age naturally probably makes him not get along with your husband well partly because of the lack of maturity and communication skills and he is probably frustrated by that where he cannot connect with your son because he simply just doesn’t know how too understand him. I didn’t communicate well at age 16 either. I would suggest that you sit down with you son and husband and honestly communicate your feelings about this situation and how it is affecting you as clearly as possible and see what they say, but your husband should be able to understand more than your sixteen year old son. See if you can get your husband to think back to when he was sixteen and maybe that will help. Overall, the fact that you say your son is a good kid with you and rough with your husband makes it seem to just simply be a communication error between them and it should be able to fix easily so their relationship isn’t as bad as your claiming it to be.
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