I have been married 11 years and have been faithful. My wife had one boyfriend before me, and I was a virgin until my wedding night. She is also 7 years older than me.
She was sexually abused when she was seven by someone in her neighbourhood one time, and one possible time (she is not sure) when she was at a pub drinking and woke up naked in someone else's bed at 17 years old.
She uses these two experiences to basic live a sexless marriage.
In my 11 years of being married, we had times where it was once every six months, and the norm was once every three months.
Now we are enjoying a norm of once a month, and she said this is a HUGE breakthrough for her (after 11 years of marriage).
In my heart, I have growing resentment though that she uses something that happened to her nearly three decades ago against our sex life.
Especially since more times than not, midway through our intimacy, she stops and says she can't.
This rips me in the heart both as a lover and physically its just hard.
What more is she as this long list of things that need to happen before she can even *consider* making love:
1.) She needs a date night before and after making love, and to be close for one whole week (being close means cuddling every night, no television, and I am totally hers from the moment I am at home, hugging on her at least every 20 minutes, and telling her I love her at least every 10 minutes....its almost obsessive). Sometimes when she is really emotional she requires/demands 3 date nights during that week we make love.
2.) She demands that I don't *expect* anything so there is no pressure, even after all the date nights that she says she may be ready.
3.) She demands after making love we spend an hour cuddling and talking before we go to sleep, usually eating ice cream together (this is above and beyond the dates).
4.) If I mention to her that her expectations are a little too high, she gets really offended and even angry and says, "this is what I need, if you want it, these are my needs." And then says, "all you want is to F--- me." It usually comes after I tell her normal couples don't do all these things and make love at least once a week, all I ask is once a month. She says to me stop comparing ourselves to normal couples.
There are many other things in our marriage including she has anger issues that she is taking care of (some with medecine), depression issues, she is super sensetive to noise (which with three kids is very hard to keep the volume down so she can have peace), and is overwhelmed very very easily on the smallest of issues. She also doesn''t work because of being overwhelmed easily, yet fights the idea of being a housewife and wants equal share in the chores besides the fact that I work and she doesn't (be her choice, and I give her alot of freedom in this area).
The most frustrating part is that she often wants to control the temperature and plans in the house and gives others (including myself) very little freedom, but wants for herself the utmost freedom. She wants to confront everyone on their issues all day long, but is super fragile when confronted on her own issues - I would say the amount of confronting between her and me is 10 confronts from her for everyone one confront from me- and when I do confront its an emergency in our marriage or why am I so hard on her (and I use the sandwich principle when confronting of encouragement, confrontation, encouragement)...she just lets it all spill out in alot of anger. I also consider what she has to say when she confronts me all the time....and listen, and try to change, even when done in anger. She fights me toothe and nail when I confront her. I told her the other day how come you want me to consider your confrontations and if I even slightly hint about something (like why she never folds the laundry), its like dropping a bomb. When she confronts me everything is calm, when I confront her its WW3. She actually said for the first time she would consider what I said and there is truth in it that we are not equal in how we handle confrontation. I personally love rebuke, it helps me improve myself as a person. She hates it and doesn't want to hear it from anyone, but yet hands it out freely all day long to everyone around her. I'm also very slow to give out rebukes only on what I consider major issues.
Another issue that I have a hard time with is judgement. I am very slow to judge others and live by the rule, "Put myself in their shoes first" even if they did me wrong.
This has saved me in my lifetime alot of miscommunication issues and brought peace in my friendships.
I give others the benefit of the doubt unless there is alot of evidence...but they get the benefit of the doubt first.
She jumps to conclusions about people and reacts on those conclusions and looses alot of friendships.
Whats hard for me is she wants me to jump with her on those conclusions.
When I mention that maybe it was a miscommunication, or maybe this, or maybe that..... she feels like I am not protecting her or "we are not in unity" as she says.
I try to show her how to put ourselves in their shoes and try to think from their point of view before jumping to conclusions about their actions, and she feels like this is weakness.
Later she finds out it was miscommunication and she is sorry she jumped to conclusions. But still angry with me I didn't jump with her- especially when I know the other person's motives were pure many times. I even try to tell her I understand why she feels that way...and can listen to her hardship with that person's actions, its when she jumps to respond to those actions (like calling or starting with anger or confronting their superiors, etc.)....that I protest and say we should go to them calmly first with the benefit of the doubt.
She feels that unless I join her on her short crusades, I am not protecting her. I think this comes from when her parents gave the person who molested her the benefit of the doubt and didn't come to her defense (even though her parents love her greatly)....but not every person and situation is molestation.
Anyways, I am frustrated sexually and tired of living in emotional drama all the time.
We've gone to counseling and they usually rebuke me for passive agressiveness....and say she has been through so much I need to be patient.
But it was three decades ago, how can she understand that present behavior shouldn't be defined by three decades ago, its time to move on and make the best out of the life we have now.
I love her alot and she has many strengths I can also list....but right now, this is what I am dealing with.