My husband drinks and says rude things to the family

[married10years]

I am new to this so please be patient as I try to let it all out. I've been married for 10 years. My husband is a good man except for one big flaw. He drinks a lot on his days off (Weekend) and when he drinks he will say some rude things. I hate an alcoholic as my father was one and my oldest sister. I am so tired and I don't know how much I can take. I grab my forehead and said Jesus please make him stop drinking as he accused me of hiding his E&J. He responded by saying f... Jesus. I don't think he ment it or would of said it had he been sober. I am so angry that I have not looked or said one thing to him since the statement. He knows how much I love the Father and the Son. I am having a hard time handling this. I feel like finding me someone else to love and the hell with this relationship. I look pretty good to be 41 and love to be sexual. But my husband can't seem to "enjoy" himself. I don't know if he has a lot on his mind or what. But its bad enough I don't get the affection I need but I will not be with a man who has not respect for God. I can not will not. I need some advice befor I go out and do something I might regret.

[ThunderHorse]

Perhaps there are several issues or perspectives on the situation.

One is drinking.

One is harsh words to you.

Another is religion.

Another is your husband's limited enjoyment of Love with you.


Respect is important to men. Paul advocated for wives to respect their husbands.

If you want more Love from your husband, Look to find more ways to be respectful to your husband.

Insisting that your husband respect verbally all your ideas on religion is one battle you can choose. I suggest that your husband has no control over your religious beliefs, so I suggest that you decide to IGNORE anything he says about your religious beliefs. Christianity can be your private, personal matter.

I suggest that you focus on other issues. Your husband speaking harshly to you is an issue, whether he is drinking, drunk or sober. A successful response to harsh words from a spouse is the Boring Baroque response, which is blithering platittudes. YOU Can't say that to me, 8 steps to ending verbal abuse, by Suzette Elgin. Elgin is discussed on many treads in this website.

You don't mention the work your husband does, or how he helps around the house. Respect is important to men, and it is dfficult for most women to understand the Ego of their man. How have you contradicted his ideas in the last week or month? Were you aware you were contradicting his ideas at that time? When could you have spent time accompnaying him, when you chose to do something else?


How can you incrementally assist your husband to slow down his drinking? Since he drinks less on work days, he apparently is not addicted.

Ask your husband to take his first drink later in the day, maybe. When he is going to take his first drink, maybe begin describing what all is important that your husband does for you, and the difficulties he has on his job, and how his sports teams are doing. Find ways to show more respect for your husband, before he takes his first drink of the day.

Abusive spouses know how to say hurtful things to their spouses, which is why it is verbal abuse.

Anger or not talking are rewards for verbal abuse. I suggest that you take steps to break the cycles that have been set up in your marriage, of drinking and verbal abuse. Your part of the cycle is anger, not talking and not finding ways to stroke your husband's ego.

A Blithering response

"I know you think that I hid you bottle of E & J, and you know that I would prefer that you start drinking later in the day on your days off. Certainly a good wife should not try to hide the bottle. Certainly you are responsible in your work, and I respect the efforts you make in getting to work, and the effort in earning wages. You know that my Christian beliefs are a sources of strength to me, so when you criticize my religious beliefs, that is discuaraging to me. I undersand that you feel that I was disrespectful to you, by your belief that I hid the bottle of E & J, but I want to assure you that I value all your work that you do, and I believe that you are entitled to a large measure of enjoyment, and I hope that we can ....... as part of our marital bliss"


..

[MrMarriedMan]

You have stated that you have been married to your spouse for 10 years and his drinking on the weekend has become belligerent and not only is problem with you but also with your family. You feel like there is nothing you can do to stop this besides thinking about leaving your husband. But there are many different ways to approach this problem.

From reading your situtation this seems like a problem with communication. Dr. Haltzman states that “ communication is the single most important part of a relationship.” If a realtionship has no communication is already doomed from the start.

In consequence you should sit down and talk to your husband instead of ignoring him and the problem. It will never become if you proceed to not try and make and effort. Therefore you should sit him down and talk to him about his behavior while intoxicated. Let him know the truth about how you feel because maybe he doesn't think his behavior is bad. Let your spouse know how it has effected you and made you pessimistic about your marriage. Though this may be hard and staright to the point, you guys have been married for 10 years. You know how each other feels therefore put it into words and let him know

[mujercita15]

I understand that you love your husband jesus.The most important to do now is to have faith on jesus he will give you the courage that you need to overcome this obstacle.Marriage is like a roller coaster there are ups like there is downs. Marriage is never going to be perfect there has to be big flaw but it doesn't mean that you have to give up in the contrary is time for you to step up and fight together to overcome any challenge that the world has prepared for you.For me this is another big challenge that the world has giving to prove how strong you are to solve because no human is never prepare for no challenge.I think that he should go to a place where they control alcoholic people. think that when he is drunk he is not himself he might not be conscience of what he is doing or saying when he's drunk.I think that is the perfect to bring your husband closer to jesus and have more faith in him and yourself.Marriage is something for the rest of your life so if you decided to marry him is because you do want to spend the rest of you life with so this is something that any couple should fight for.One of the things that I have learned in my psychology class is that poor communication is a big factor of slip ups. Maybe your husband doesn't have enough trust to tell what is bothering him.I think that they should be more communication and more trust You should talk to him and tell him how you feel and in what ways his alcoholic problem is affecting you because he is not respecting you as his wife and himself as a man.Does your husband know how much this affecting the marriage. You have to let him now all the consequences if he does try to change for the better. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully my advice could help you overcome the obstacles of this marriage. Make the best decision.

[devine14]

Hi Married,

It seems to me that you are having a hard time dealing with the issue about your husband and that he drinks too much, and when he does, he is rude to the people around him. Have you tried discussing this issue with him when he is sober? Has it been brought to his attention that he acts this way when he has been drinking? If so what was his reaction and if not, that might be the key to solving this issue for your family. Another thing to think about is if he has been doing this throughout the ten years of your marriage or if there has been a recent event that has caused a change in his behavior. Another thing that seems to be bothering you about your husband is his lack of respect for your faith. Is this something that only happens when he has been drinking or is it something that happens regularly?

According to my psychology professor, good communication is essential in our relationships and has a large impact on how we adjust to situations. Good communication can also enhance satisfaction in a relationship. Unfortunately it seems that you and your husband need to have more communication about your problems and let him know how you feel about his behavior before you give up on him completely. Something else to think about is if this is something that is caused by a recent event, it may be causing stress to him personally and he may not be able to communicate to you how he is feeling and reverts to drinking in order to cope with his stress. Stress is considered a circumstance that is or seems to be threatening to ones well-being. According to my professor two common strategies people use to deal with stress are striking out at others and over indulgence. It seems to me that both of these could apply to you and your husband’s situation. If your husband is frustrated with something that is stressing him out he could be acting out and directing his anger towards you and your family instead of the real issue. Along with the over indulgence, my professor says that someone who is stressed out sometimes over indulges in excessive eating, smoking, gambling, drug use, and in your husband’s case, drinking.

However, there is a reason that you married your husband 10 years ago, you loved him and I’m sure you still do otherwise you would not be asking for help to fix this problem. Again, I suggest bringing the issue to your husband’s attention if you have not done so already. If he is a good man, and you said he is, when he is not drinking, hopefully he will understand your feelings and respect them enough to try to change his behavior. If he realizes the problems he is causing and is willing to change then there are many ways that he can go about to do so. Talking to someone is something that many people do not like to do, especially men, however from my experience it can be very helpful. One thing I would suggest, for you, is to be willing and offer to help him to get through the process, so that he knows he is not alone and doesn’t get over whelmed and give up trying!

Good Luck with everything!

[Brandi24]

So you have been married for 10 years and stated that your husband overly drinks on the weekend. When he does he becomes rude and would say things you know he doesn't mean. You don’t talk to him or bring up your issue with him. You are thinking about leaving him and want to find someone who will give you attention, emotionally and physically. But you would like to work it out.

From the post you posted your number one problem is communication. Dr. Scott says communication is the number one success in a relationship. Also Dr. Scott states that when a woman wants to talk to a guy about something important comes right out and say it, get to the point. Most men stop listening within the first minute if you don’t say anything relevant to them. Men process verbal communication different then women. So don’t think of what you would do because he’s not you he’s a guy. You want to make your guys happy. Dr Scott has list of ways to be like a guy and try to please your guy. Give him what he wants but don’t forget about yourself while doing so.

You just need to communicate. Talk to him when he’s not drunk. Come right out and tell him your issue but don’t yell and fight about it. Have him see it from your perspective because he might not think there’s anything wrong. Don’t go around the point or he will not change or quite care what you have to say.

Just communicate. You just need for him to hear what you have to say. He doesn't know there is a problem because you don’t say anything. Once you open up about your problem with him he could possible see where you’re coming from. But until you communicate nothing will change. You can also suggest going to get professional help if that doesn't work. Maybe him talking to someone else will help and he will understand more.

[Bebo81]

I'm going through the exact same thing. My husband is both mentally and physically abusive , when he's had too much to drink. He says things like he hates our Lord, knowing my love for our Lord. He calls me stupid, and and whore. He went to anger management and quit drinking for a while but it's getting out of control again. Last night he jerked me up by my hair and I had to plead and beg for him not to hurt me. I finally got away but I had to leave in my pjs , no phone, no money, no shoes. I gave him time to pass out before coming back home. I walk on egg shells when he's drinking , being very careful not to say the wrong thing or anything but it takes nothing to set him off , once he gets to that point. Maybe he just really hates me . I've been told that some people speak the truth when drinking.

[ThunderHorse]

I'm going through the exact same thing. My husband is both mentally and physically abusive , when he's had too much to drink. He says things like he hates our Lord, knowing my love for our Lord. He calls me stupid, and and whore. He went to anger management and quit drinking for a while but it's getting out of control again. Last night he jerked me up by my hair and I had to plead and beg for him not to hurt me. I finally got away but I had to leave in my pjs , no phone, no money, no shoes. I gave him time to pass out before coming back home. I walk on egg shells when he's drinking , being very careful not to say the wrong thing or anything but it takes nothing to set him off , once he gets to that point. Maybe he just really hates me . I've been told that some people speak the truth when drinking.

Leaving home without money or shoes, is courageous and to be commended.

Since a pattern is involved, you might want to have someplace set up for you to go, when things are starting to get out of hand. Looking for early warning signs, and leaving sooner might be better.

You mention you are walking on egg shells when your husband is in a bad mood, usually from drinking.

You mention your husband did some counseling, and got better, can he do more?

My prior post on this thread mentions some things to try, for yourself. Not that you are to blame, just that you seem to want to make changes yourself, to make things better.

One problem is your husband drinks, and another problem is that your husband is abusive to you.

Another part of the dynamic, is that your feel unloved, when your husband is abusive. Have you studied Suzette Elgins' book "You Can't say That to Me"? You should not feel unloved, because your husband is venting.

It is your husband's job to let you vent for 15 minutes a day. It is not your job to listen to your husband venting without your permission.

Have you applied the Boring Baroque Response recommended by Elgin? Post a sing-song boring response.




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