Hi Doc,
Thanks for reaching out through this forum. One of the biggest patterns that I see in relationships for men, is that they are eager to jump in and try to solve problems (which is a laudable goal) before gathering enough information to know how to solve it (which is a really, really bad way to go about getting that problem solved). When a wife says, "We need therapy," I'll usually tell men that there's nothing to argue about. Go!
But beyond that (because, in your case, that's water over the bridge), when a wife says, "let's go to therapy," it's sign that she wants to talk, to process, to explore the relationship, and, yes, to have you change some aspect of your behavior that she feels is not contributing to her happiness.
That's where the information gathering (as I say in the book: Know Your Wife) begins. She's been telling you that you're not listening.
She said she'll leave. NOW you're listening!
I agree with Elizacol when she said that you have to keep your ears open. Frequently, men in this situation will feel compelled to jump in with explanations or defensiveness. Not a good idea. Listen, really make sure you understand.
There's too much at stake for you to not get this right. When you show that you're ready to listen, and ready to show a willingness to see her perspective (according to studies, 85% if the marriages will succeed if the husband is open to the wife's influence) that will go a long way.
Most wives want to know that you are making them their #1 priority. Have you? Are you?
If she's not having an affair, (and if you're substance free and faithful) then there's still time to get it right. I don't know if you can stop her from moving out. In my experience, even such middling moves are extremely difficult for children.
S.H.
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