Strategies for Suspending an Argument

Strategies for Suspending an Argument

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Oct 16, 2006 6:36 pm

Sometimes my wife wants to argue about something that I would prefer to delay. Cetainly, it is important to have discussions about differences of opinion. But sometimes, the argument is going on longer than any productive understanding is being achieved.

Last night my wife was complaining about some of my opnions, and I explained myself for a few minutes, but my wife wanted to continue in a make-wrong approach, rather than trying to understand my ideas.

So I said, "I Love you, and I have loving feelings toward you. I wish you had loving feelings toward me." My wife fell silent, but seemed to be sulking.

I then went to bed, and worked on going to sleep. Sleep came easily, and I had a good nights rest.

This morning I got a few things doen on her wish list. My wife seemed to have forgotten about trying to make me ashamed of my opinions.

I may be fortunate in having a wife with a short attention span.

Ideally, I would like to be able to actually turn my wife around from arguing, to nuetral, to loving.

However, Neutral is workable.

I am interested in develping further strategies for suspending an argument. I don't have to win. I just need to avoid getting excessively distracted, to avoid losing productivity, to stupidity.

One of the points in the Secrets book, of which I am guilty, is I avoid going home as early as I could from work. One reason I avoid going home, is that my wife enjoys belittling me. By waitng to go home longer, I get less criticism from my wife, because she is closer to being ready to go to sleep, as I spend more time at work.

So by having better strategies for suspending arguments with my wife, perhaps I can do better at one of Dr. Haltzman's suggestions, of getting home sooner after work.

Maybe ther is a time limit for letting my wife sulk in neutral, before trying to flirt her into a more loving conversation.

I might have been able to let my wife know that I understood her concerns better than I did. I have sometimes asked, "Could you sumarize your concerns? I am losing focus on what is really important to you."
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: Strategies for Suspending an Argument

Postby elizacol » Wed Oct 18, 2006 9:50 pm

ThunderHorse wrote:
So I said, "I Love you, and I have loving feelings toward you. I wish you had loving feelings toward me." My wife fell silent, but seemed to be sulking.


Actually, I think (I hope) you gave her something to think about.

Have you been honest with her about your feeling the need to stay late because you don't want to deal with her belittling? She needs to know...in the hopes she will work to end the belittling. Or, at the very least, understand how you are feeling. I find it sad that you have to do that (stay late).

As for helping you with strategies for suspending an argument...I can't help you there. Hopefully someone else can.
elizacol
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:15 am

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Dec 17, 2006 9:28 pm

Dear Elizacol,

Thanks for the response. You are correct that I was intending to let my wife think about my comment, "I wish you loved me, like I love you."

Another approach might be to recite shared goals, intersts, objectives. Mutual values, joint ventures.

I am invisoning ribbons of interste between my wife and myslef, that tie us together. Not with force, but with mutual devotion.

We both want what is best for your family.

My wife enjoys slamming my ideas, opinions and bookeeping efforts for the family.

I need to be careful about expressing my resentment by slacking off too much. My wife is sporadic in her checking on the finances, so things can go mnths or years without her knowing I ham delaying something I should have done earlier.

I will try to weave some ribbons of mutual interests, and let her think about her devilishness.
Last edited by ThunderHorse on Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby elizacol » Sun Dec 17, 2006 9:56 pm

I need to go back and reread your original post, but didn't do that before hitting reply to your most recent post.

Wanted to comment on your mutual interests, goals, etc. statement.

Like you, I wanted my husband to remember we had, for 19 years, had mutual goals, etc.

Seems that those goals were easy for him to 'forget' about in the midst of the new feelings that an emotional relationship with a gal from work brought about. Hard to compete with those exciting new feelings.

So, I didn't compete. I just was steady in my devotion, commitment, love, etc. I didn't succeed EVERY day, but more often than not...I was successful overall...5 out of 7 days a week, I would say.

Soon enough, the feelings for this gal wore off and he realized what he had at home.

During the midst of all of this, we took up a new interest together...not sure why or how...but it ended up being...of all things... playing pool at the local hangout (a bar). We were never drinkers, for reasons we mutually chose, while raising our children, but found that this time playing pool and having an occasional beer, gave us newfound fun, alone time, interest, etc.

When my husband finally came around, I asked him WHEN he had come to the realization that he didn't want to leave me for her. He told me it was during our pool playing sessions.

When asked WHY, he told me it was my solid commitment and showing him love, despite my own pain.

Seems my gut instinct was right on. I am forever glad we decided to find a new interest together.

I hope you just remain steady with your love and commitment to your wife so that she sees what she has at home.

At the same time, find a new interest for you and your wife to do together.

Who knows...miracles happen. I thought for sure my marriage was over (not a decision *I* was going to make..I thought for sure HE would make it).
elizacol
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:15 am

Postby elizacol » Sun Dec 17, 2006 10:02 pm

Ok, I'm glad I went back and reread your original post.

Seems you aren't in the same situation as I found myself in. For that, I'm glad!!

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do, all the while remaining positive.

Just keep on keepin' on! I admire you.
elizacol
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:15 am

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:43 am

Dear Eliza,

The situation seems similar in your approach was to just hang in there the best your could. I am applying a similar approach, to try to make contributions to the family where I can, and avoid returning criticism with any needlessly hurtful remarks.

Thanks for your story of success.
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby elizacol » Mon Dec 18, 2006 10:40 am

ThunderHorse wrote:I am applying a similar approach, to try to make contributions to the family where I can, and avoid returning criticism with any needlessly hurtful remarks.


The quote you made above, that I bolded...

you are setting the example and she is sure to take note, and hopefully, follow suit.

You are being the change you want to see in the world.

I swear by that technique (quote)!

Even *if* she were to not come around, and were to continue with her devilishness (I love that word in your context, btw), you are doing the right thing and being the bigger person.

That, at times, was the thought that got me through the rough days.

Didn't matter what *he* was doing. I was solely responsible for what *I* was doing. I had to answer to myself! Amazing how it changes your perspective, outlook, actions, and deeds.

Take care, Thunderhorse.
elizacol
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:15 am

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Dec 23, 2006 3:31 pm

Dear Elizacol,

Another strategy for suspending an argument is to have my side of our differences summarized in a non-argumentative, short statement of the principles involved.

Some of my recent ideas for statements of principles with my side of the disagreement OI am working to refine:

1. You are certainly free to move out and get a divorce, but our family budget is not going to be able to also handle helping our youngsters earn college degrees.
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby elizacol » Tue Dec 26, 2006 9:10 pm

Thunderhorse,

How are your techniques working, all in all, do you think?

How does your wife react when you respond to her in a nonjudgemental, nonangry way?

I wouldn't say I have a temper, per se, but I do have to watch my tone when 'arguing' with my husband. I find he is more apt to listen and see my side of the argument when I leave out the 'tone'.
elizacol
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:15 am

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Dec 28, 2006 7:55 pm

The Happily Married book describes conflict as inevitable. Avoiding discussion of differences is usually not the answer. Further, that 64% of arguments will not be resolved, but rather put aside.

The challenge is to avoid arguing in ways that make the arguments worse than they need to be. The pertinent question might be, "What part of this problem do we need to find agreement on, so that we can put this issue aside, and enjoy our lives?"
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm


Return to Roles

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests

cron