Resentment of Wife B'n Blocks My Efforts on Family Chores

Resentment of Wife B'n Blocks My Efforts on Family Chores

Postby ThunderHorse » Tue Dec 19, 2006 10:25 am

There is a cycle that I am in the process of identifying and looking for ways to interrpt the cycle.

My wife likes to Make-Wrong, and find fault with me, and make herself feel better by slamming me. I can handle my self-esteem, and avoid snapping back with equal or better insults. I am able to avoid escalating arguments beyond the original antagonism from my wife.

But when it comes time to do more chores for the household, I feel a loss of interest. So my delaying and slacking on household chores creates more opportunities for my wife to find fault with me, and our marriage.

So there is a cycle of my wife complaining, and my feeling less enthusaiastic about family chores, my slacking off, and my wife having more disappointment with the marriage. If I were to do more for the family, this might create a sense of power, which could create a feeling of reliance from my wife, and an increase in my wife's feeling of valuing our marriage.

So increasing enthusiasm in the face of needlessly critical criticism, is my challenge, to generate the love that comes with acts of devotion by a husband to his family
ThunderHorse
 
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Postby elizacol » Wed Dec 20, 2006 4:18 pm

I like your style of communicating with your wife that you have demonstrated so far. I would say continue down that avenue...with the
chore issue and how nothing is quite good enough.

Just as you plainly stated to her (as you told in another post) something to the effect of, "I have loving feelings towards you and hope (want?) you to have those same loving feelings towards me" ( I hope I have that somewhat accurate).

So, when it comes to chores and her not appreciating 1) that you do them and 2) that they aren't up to her 'standards'...

apply a similar approach.

Something to the effect of, "Honey, I'm doing the chores out of love and devotion for you and I truly am doing the best I can. My hope is that you see that and appreciate my efforts. You may not like the final result, but the love behind them is there."

I'm sure you, in your eloquent wisdom (and I say that with utmost sincerity, as your posts reflect it!), can come up with something similar that will stop her dead in her tracks and give her cause for thought.

Don't get defensive. Don't get angry. Just calmly state your position, sprinkled with a mention of your love for her and your desire to do the best you can by her.

I wonder...does your wife work or is she a full-time mother/wife? I know when I was home full-time w/my kids and following my husband around the world with the Air Force, my self-esteem sunk pretty low. I was guilty of what your wife is now doing. Is her self-esteem low, in general?

As for your nondesire to help out because of her constant criticism...I can understand that, too. My husband said the same thing.

All I can say is to follow the mantra, "Do the Right Thing". No matter what your wife is or is not doing, just do the right thing. Whether that is helping with chores, or treating her in a calm manner when she doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. YOU are and will be a better person for it. And there's something to be said for knowing YOU are doing the right thing, despite the roadblocks she puts in front of you. Trust me, it is an awesome feeling. Almost a feeling of power, knowing you alone control your thoughts and actions and nothing anyone else says or does can change them. Because you are in control and you are doing the right thing.

Sadly, the day may come when you decide you have had enough. It took that for me to see the changes I needed to make towards my husband.
As hard as that was for me, I am so glad he came to the point where he had had enough and was contemplating leaving. It brought me to my senses, so to speak. For some hard-headed women (me) it takes almost losing it all to see the good we have right in front of us.

I truly hope your calm demeanor and honest dialogue with her will help.
I also hope she isn't as hard-headed as I was.
elizacol
 
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Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Dec 22, 2006 6:33 pm

Dear Eliza Col,

Thank you for your post, which raises a number of issues. Some will take a few days to cogitate an answer.

First, Thanks for your service to Western Civilization by helping a Husband who was in the Military.

One phrase to respond to deprixcating remarks about my efforts on chores could be, "I am diappointed that I am not receiving additonal appreciation for my efforts to...." or, "It would be nice if you could give me some credit for ......"

My wife works, but she has some faults that she would prefer not to admit, such as an impulsive temper. So in some ways, I feel sorry for her, and try to work things out, because she is somewhat mentally disabled. Her disability of lashing out unfairly, might be more tolerable, if she were able to admit the fault, and make attempts to make corrections. "It would be nice if you could understand how mean you are to me, and how much you damage the reservoir of Love in the marriage."

My wife is easily influenced by others, and their opionions. My wife is stubborn, but is easily influenced by ideas of others, and it take me several weeks to help her sort out the issues, after she picks up a certain tangent.

I agree that divorce is not something that I fear. I am just trying to make things work. I accomplished some chores that I had been putting off for several weeks. One accomplishment she thanked me for, which benefited th family as a whole. I need to get a program together for making progress on some other chores.

My wife was on the warpath today, threatening to move out. We went out fot lunch. I did put fourth a few budget issues and some compromise propositions. I shifted on some positions. We have a son who is taking extr long to get through college, and I suggested that my wife cold be more encouraging to my son to increase his self-discipline. I bought a couple of parenting tapes that we are watching, but she is not really paying attention.

My theory is to give in when I can, and to make a clear request for what is still left unsettled.
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby elizacol » Tue Dec 26, 2006 9:29 pm

ThunderHorse wrote:
First, Thanks for your service to Western Civilization by helping a Husband who was in the Military.


Thank you and how kind of you! Honestly, I loved the military life as a whole. Of course, we were AF. Had we been Army, I might have felt differently. (Army tends to be deployed constantly).

ThunderHorse wrote:"It would be nice if you could understand how mean you are to me, and how much you damage the reservoir of Love in the marriage."


So, have you said this to her? I take it you have. Honestly, had my husband stated it in these terms, I would have found it hard to NOT hear it, NOT respond to it positively in my actions. I hope your wife is starting to 'hear' you.

I'm sorry she has an impulsive temper. It makes it difficult, I'm sure.
I think you are right on in your calm, nonthreatening response(s) to her. You certainly aren't escalating it, from the sounds of it.

With time, you might see positive changes brought about by YOUR positive efforts.

If I am to believe my favorite quote Be the change you wish to see in the world (and I DO)...you will see change. Give it time and don't give up with your efforts on your end.

I want to tell you again how much I admire the efforts you are making.
elizacol
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:15 am


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