Suspicious wife killing marriage but Ive done nothing wrong!

Suspicious wife killing marriage but Ive done nothing wrong!

Postby Good_Soldier » Sat Apr 17, 2010 1:31 pm

Hi, just wondered if anyone else is going through the same as me and what you think I should do about it?

I have only been married for just over 6 months and it already looks as though it will end soon.

I have been with my wife for about 3 years - however I am in the military and so lived/worked away from home for the first 2 years of our relationship. I used to drive 600 miles every weekend to see her! She moved up to live with me when we married - and since then she has driven me bonkers!!

I have never known anyone be so adamant that her husband is cheating or doing wrong...she checks my phone, goes through my email, raids my facebook - even put a keylogger on my laptop so she could check everything im up to online. She is convinced I have done something wrong - or that I want to cheat on really is getting beynd now. Truth is - I have never done anything wrong - I love my wife so much I would never go behind her back and make a fool out of her. I can't take anymore of being treated like a criminal though!

She constantly makes comments about me and other women. Which she says are jokes but I know she's serious. Every conversation seems to descend into an argument because I get hacked off about her making a comment - or an accusation.

I can't go anywhere or do anything without there being a fight before and afterwards. I play for a football team on weekends - every week we have the same fight because she doesn't 100% believe I'm not up to anything while Im out. I can't mention any female colleagues at work to her or I know she will start to obssess Im having an affair with them. I'm not exaggerating here - she will get an attitude with me for the slightest of reasons. She twists everything in her head in such a way that it's possible I did something wrong.

Anyway...I'm not a complete angel, I confided in an old female friend once about my problems - I did this through facebook and inevitably my wife saw everything. I'd said I wasn't happy and that I maybe had made a mistake getting married. Since then she has always had an obsession that I had some sort of physical relation with this girl...just another thing that she moans at me for!

I also got caught out looking at porn on my computer (i didnt know about the keylogger at this point!!) - I wasn't even looking at it to pleasure myself - I was given a link to an amusing site by a friend at work but of course this was just another nail in my marriages coffin! Now she uses this to embarress me when we fight - knowing that I am ashamed to have been caught looking at it. She says that I have a sick dirty problem!

This morning she saw that I had looked up a BBC documentary on legal prostitution in nevada - again saying I have sick dirty habits. She now says that she doesn't want to be with me anymore and is making plans to leave me. I know I don't help myself, but I really haven't done anything wrong....being treated like this is killing me.

Would you try and save this marriage - or just take this opportunity to get out and try move on and find someone who wont treat me like this?
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Joined: Sat Apr 17, 2010 12:20 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Apr 18, 2010 6:27 pm

There may be a chapter 4 issue with uncoditonal listening. You don't mention that you give your wife 15 minutes a day to vent, or otherwise pontificate.

You don't mention that you are aware of how to avoid feeding into a cycle of Verbal Abuse. Most of your coplaints could be characterized as Verbal Abuse. You do not mention the Boring Baroque rsponse, or havign applied Blithering Compliments as a response to attacks.

I have repeated myself on a number of threads, about Suzette Elgin's books. So I will give some links here, mostly to other threads on Secrtets Forum. I copied the Links ono a Word document, hope they come through OK

Post back for further discussion.

Verbal Self Defense

Suzette Elgin

Secrets Forum comments on the Boring Baroque Response and preventing verbal abuse. I have repeated myself on several threads.

Uechi-Ryu forum on Verbal Self Defense, discusses Elgin ... 7ac4fa1241

Secrets Forum Threads

Husband abusive to wife when he is drinking ... highlight=

Wife criticizing husband ... highlight=

Reference to three Verbal Abuse threads before August of 09 ... highlight=

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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Apr 19, 2010 6:58 pm

Looks like all the above links are working.

1. Are you giving 15 min per day of unconditional listening? What are your netral responses to her comments when she wants to talk about her ideas about how you could give her an increased feeling of fidelity?

2. Are you being careful not to feed into an emotional loop of her discussing her false accusations of infidelity?

3. Leaving is abondonment. Talking about leavin is Abuse.

4. are you able to identify some easy things you can do, or give up, that relate to your wife's concerns about a feeling of fidelity? What things are difficlut for you to do for her? What are yhour eplantion of what things are difficult for you?
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