Tired and Discouraged (Long)

Tired and Discouraged (Long)

Postby Cadence » Fri Sep 24, 2010 11:55 am

Hi everyone. I'm a new member. I've looked through the boards and haven't been able to find a similair thread...so here it goes.

I"m a stay at home, homeschooling, mother of 4 (ages 5-10). Been married 10 years, and I"m 28...DH 29. Dh works offshore and he's gone 4 weeks and home for 2.

When we first were together, my sex drive was very high and it wasn't uncommon for us to be together 3-4 times a day. When we started having kids, we had to plan a bit more around the nap schedule, but it still maintained that for awhile. About three years ago, it sunk into an average of twice a day. And about a year ago, it sunk again into an average of once a day. (Please keep in mind, when he's home...he has no job to do...so it's not like if it were a 9 to 5 and he's gone most the day and coming home exhausted.)

Maybe 18 months ago, we were reading something about women faking it for their DH and he asked about it. I replied that yes it happened. He asked how much, and I replied that I"m really into it about 1/4 of the time. At that point, it was about twice a day...so on average, 3-4 times a week I was in the mood. This crushed him and it made it much more difficult for both of us. He started to become super aware and I couldn't fake it as easily.

ABout the same time, he started to become more vocal about certain things. We would always talk about everything. I"m a woman of a lot of hobbies and interests, and I"d always talk to my best friend about it. WEll, it came out that he really doesn't care at all about gardening, redecorating, remodeling, etc, etc, etc. WHich, I know what you're all thinkg....shocker....guy's not into gardening...who'd a thunk it?! BUt the fact was that at that point, we'd been together for 10 years and had had 4 children and I figured that we were beyond being polite. SO if he was still talking with me baout these things...he must actually be one of the rare guys who liked those things. Lucky me.

So at the same time, he found out I wasn't always so hot and ready and I found out that I have very little in common with him. I felt like a lost my best friend. And if the difference between marriage and friendship is sex....and you have no friendship....I feel like I"m now a kept woman.

He's become, over these last few years, more and more self centered and while we talk some 6000 minutes a month on the phone....I barely say anything because he doesn't hear it....or doesn't agree with it...or cuts in and starts talking about something else...etc, etc. So I just stopped talking mostly. However, when he's home, I"m still aiming for at least once a day, if not twice....but now I have to make it look spectacular for him to remain in the mood.

ANd if I don't.....he gets into horrible moods (similiar to a child who doesn't get chocolate milk and is pouting), or I'm worried he'll go somewhere else (which IMO is a valid concern since so many do go somewhere else), and if I just do it with a smile....the mood of the house can stay nice, vs what feels like a battleground.

SLowly my sex drive had plummeted, and the last few times he was home, I might have been interested a total of 3-4 times. I've tried talking to him about it, maybe so he could be helpful and work with me to get my drive back...which would be helpful at least in the bedroom on my side of things....but he takes it personally and we end up with a horrible fight and so I"ll drop it and continue on with what "works". But at this point, I feel I"m working over time everyday of the year and not that I need an award, but no one takes notice at all.....he's the only one who knows about our sex life (well...up till now), and he thinks I"m into it as well because that's what I have to do to keep him happy. And it doesn't end when he's gone because with skype and cell phones, we're still "together" about 3-4 times a week when he's on the boat.

He's a good provider and a good father....but lately he's been a bad friend and he doesn't notice me at all. Should we even try counseling? I"m very opposed to it since so many fully advocate the use of MORE sex.....he has REAL needs....if you're there for him, he'll be there for you. But it doesn't work ever. He has a great life and I feel like it's all just a big set up from me. SHould we look into divorce? SHould I just hold on another 10 years till the kids are grown and then be able to go out and do my own thing (because his lack of interest in many things limits me....we can't go out of country because of his politics...but I'd love to travel...I don't garden anymore because he's not interested and it takes time away from him while he's home)?

ANy advice, especailly a man's perspective, would be helpful.

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Joined: Fri Sep 24, 2010 11:27 am

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Sep 25, 2010 12:22 am

Maybe you could look at your needs and desires in an honest, but considerate perspective.

Many women need 15 minutes, a day, of unconditional venting time, to process various bits of unconnected thoughts. So there can be a time, when you discuss your thoughts, which listening time, he can give to you.

Similarly, there are times when a wife is not in the mood for love making, when the man has a moring erection, or whatever time your husband feels arousal. So it can just be a trade-off. He can give you time to vent, and you can give him a welcome feeling for his ejaculating. What is wrong with being considerate of each other's needs and joys?

How many more children are you planning?

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Postby socialdistortion » Sat Sep 25, 2010 8:30 pm

Dear Candence,

As a resident expert on Haltzman Theory, (I minored in him in college), I think I can offer you some advice… First, Haltzman categorizes marriage by the stages and not the ages of the couple. It seems as if you are entering into a different stage of marriage. Social psychologists state that any change, even if it is good can cause a significant stress on an individual and their personal relationships. In a recent article meant for singles entering into serious relationship Haltzman advises dating singles not to go to far into pretending they are fascinated by every interest of their partners in the beginning. He theorizes if you pretend you are interested in Star Trek (when you really know it is for dorks) you will be doomed to a lifetime of Star Trek movies. Instead you should make it clear that while it is not your primary interest you would be agreeable to enjoy it with him. Your husband probably pretended to be interested in gardening or redecorating because he was in love with you and wanted you to believe he shared your interest. Perhaps you can appreciate his efforts and maybe even laugh about this later down the line.

As far as having sex only 3-4 times a week, after 10 years of marriage, he should be high-5-ing his friends he is getting it so much and not complaining. It is normal for sexual frequencies to decrease after time. I once read the longer a couple has been married the bigger their mattress gets! Addressing his upset over you ‘faking’ sexual interest 24/7, he should realize that you are a stay at home, homeschooling mother of four that spends weeks without a partner to help. He should be thrilled that you even have enough energy or motivation to fake anything! I think every woman has gone through the ‘roll her eyes in the dark’ phase of sexual relations with a long term partner. I totally get him being upset to think you might have pretended you were more ‘into it’ then you were, but this should be seen as something you did for him and not to him.

Finally, you state that you only talk with your husband on the phone for 6000 minutes a month. I don’t think I even talk to my spouse on the phone 6000 minutes a year! Even if you feel you are only listening and not feeling you are sharing anything, there seems to be some sort of connection between you two that you are both willing to share this amount of time together. You both should be working on being good listeners. If your current role is being the listener, at least be a good listener. Haltzman offers this advice to good listening-

1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it.

I definitely do not think you are the point that you need desperately need marriage counseling just yet (and just for the record, I do not think that all marriage counselors will necessarily tell you that you need to have even more sex, but would rather focus on different ways to bond that meet both of your needs). I also DEFINITELY do not think divorce should even be in your relationship vocabulary. You are both obviously still trying to bond with each other. Keep us posted.

Good luck,

Social Distortion
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