| "I
kinda agree with your gift giving advice..."
more...
|
| "Roses
and Poetry? What a wondeful suggestion..." more...
|
| "Gifts
simply say "I love you," without much ado. Guys should
use them more often..."
more... |
| "I
had a college roommate whose widowed mother described her secret
to marital success..."
more... |
| "Though
I do it infrequently, I don't mind giving gifts for special occasions
..."
more... |
|
Men
rarely ask for gifts from their wives. They don't care about presents
of clothes, jewelry, flowers or poetry. Lacking this emotional
connection to gifts, husbands can't understand what they mean
to their wives.
However, to sustain successful marriages, husbands must recognize
that wives enjoy tokens of love and affection. Gift-giving is
a powerful way to show appreciation. |
 |
|
Sometimes
men struggle with a moral dilemma: "If I'm having mixed
feelings about my wife, how can I send flowers or a card which
imply I feel completely positive about her?" He reasons
if his heart is not fully in it, he is better off not giving
the gift. Wrong. Here, again, the man ascribes his own belief
system to his wife. She endows the gift with meaning and appreciates
its beauty. She would rather receive a gift than not, as she
perceives the act of giving as a testament to love.
Many women
say that acts of thoughtfulness enhance their marriages. But
even men who recognize the power of gift giving complain they
don't find time to do special things for their wives.
What are
your thoughts on gifts? Is giving flowers or cards part of your
strategy for nurturing your marriage? What does gift-giving
mean to you? Adoration? Appeasement? Seduction? Relate your experiences in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
| "I
love giving gifts and I only wish I could find a guy who gives
them back. Smaller gifts more often are better. It really is the
thought that counts. (And don't give the game away fellas-- surprises
however small are always better!" (Mez, 23, unmarried woman)
|
"Gift-giving
and thoughtful little actions do come more easily to women. Not
only do men often overlook the value in these little gifts, but
women often expect too much. If you want your husband to give
you flowers and cards more often then do it for him over and over
again. (Don't buy him roses; he is likely to get embarrassed and
especially DON'T send them to his work.) Just buy a nice floral
arrangement and a card. Put the flowers in a vase on the kitchen
table and set the card beside it for him to find when he notices
it. And don't expect a card or flowers for every one you send.
If you treat his displays of affection as though you are keeping score,
it will be very de-motivating.
When he does make even the slightest gesture of affection
(even if it is as simple as "you look cute today") then go overboard with
your appreciation of his attention. I went for a year and a half of telling
my husband I needed more affection from him (I even told him flat out that
I wanted him to tell me I was beautiful). He did not respond to those
demands and expectations. But one day, when he paid me an unexpected
compliment, I stopped what I was doing and hugged him and kissed him
and told him how much that meant to me.
I began to do that every time he did something nice for me and guess what?
He pays a lot more attention to me now. I hear that I am beautiful almost
every day along with plenty of "I love you"s and "You are the best thing
that has ever happened to me."
Men are not always thoughtful in the ways women want them to be.
If you want him make an effort to do things for you that don't
come naturally for him, then you need to make it rewarding for
both of you." (Jenny, 27, married 5 years)
|
| "Gifts
to women do mean that you love them and care about them. When
a man doesn't give a women as a token of love it is taken as you
don't care and you don't love them. It hurts. That's why so many
women get upset. It doesn't have to be expensive--it c ould be
violets instead of roses--it's just the token and maybe a few
honest caring words that really do matter. I could never understand
why when men are courting women they are constantly trying to
win their attention and favor. Alas, after the chase is over,
that's it. It's over for the women--there aren't any more signs
that encourage love, and romance. Guys, wake up and smell the
coffee. If you want to make your women happy, show her and shower
her in more ways then one. Don't regard her as your wife--but
as your lover who has forsaken all others to spend the rest of
her life with you and only you. Show you care and you will get
a response that could be quite pleasing!" (Mary, 39, married
12 years)
|
| "I
was married for 21 years to a man who never bought gifts, flowers
or small token gifts of love or appreciation for me unless he
accidentally remembered my birthday. I never felt loved or nourished,
although I spent my days loving and nourishing him. He felt because
he worked hard for the family that he had fulfilled his obligations
to his wife. When we divorced he was in total shock. In his mind
he had spent 21 years giving generously to me. After all, he gave
me his paycheck every two weeks. He wa s actually happy in our
marriage. He felt loved and cared for. He was truly contented.
I just felt alone and empty. I have never regretted divorcing
him. He still tries to win me back, yet he has never understood
why I left. Men are truly different crea tures. Most my friends
are men. They make great friends. But husbands? I think the differences
between male and females are too great." (Kate, 47)
|
| "Roses,
poetry, jewelry, cards. These are all great gifts but one of the
greatest gifts you can give your wife is TIME. Quality Time! Just
letting her talk about her day, her problems, her accomplishments
for the week, the kids, whatever. I know it's so metimes difficult
but don't give advice. Make very general statements. Just nod
a lot, answer "Oh, really?" "Cool," "I didn't know that." Listening
to her and just simply being with her can be the best gift you
could ever give. When she's sitting on the couch one night just
sit down next to her, put your arm around her and ask, "How was
your day?" If you haven't done this much then she may be shocked;
but it will be pleasant surprise. She may even shed a few tears
of happiness." (Charles, 32, married 8 years)
|
| "I
make it a point to send a card, then put it in a place where she
can find it. Lay flowers on the bed. Write her a love letter periodically.
Such as the other day, I wrote her a note, which she taped to
her computer: "Thank you for helping me find my heart." I have
told her that without you, "I would know nothing about oneness."
Because I finally accepted her love, I was able to find out about
love. I make it a point to tell her most mornings that "This is
a much better way to live."" (Don, 56, marri ed 31 years)
|
| "Contrary
to popular belief, women do not sit around and dream about what
gift they will receive next from their husband. Give a gift is
there is an occasion to do so or if you feel like. I do not give
gifts for adoration, seduction (well occasionally), and certainly
not appeasement! I do believe though that husbands' wives feel
special when their spouse gets them a gift. However, I think it
is thoughtless to give flowers or one of the generically "women"
gifts to your wife just out of tradition. Grow up and stop being
boring! Hopefully, if you are married, you know your husband and
wife and the small things they might find funny or pleasing. For
instance, my wife recently had a horrible day at work and on my
way home, I picked up her favorite high salt/high cholesterol
McDonald's meal. The drive-thru took me about five minutes through
and cost about $7 for both meals. She was so happy and we had
a wonderful night!" (Thomas 28, married 3 years)
|
| "Gift
giving won't make or break a marriage. If I give a gift and receive
no appreciation, I get upset. If she appreciates me, a gift is
unnecessary because she will say that my love is a larger gift
than any material thing. Gifts are good in starting r elationships
inasmuch as it tells someone that you really are serious about
them and reinforces their confidence in you, but after a while
I don't think they matter as much." (Jake, 40, married 8
years)
|
|
"I kinda agree with your gift giving advice, but I am still
left with the dilemma of what to gift." (Joseph, 30, married
2 years) |
|
"Roses and Poetry? What a wonderful suggestion! My advice
to men - We love the hearts and flowers. They're not useful or
pragmatic; just purely for your wife's pleasure. Women often reflect
later on things and treasure such tokens in their hearts. Ask
what she needs. Not sure? How about asking what you can do. JUST
DON'T REMIND HER FOR THE NEXT 6 MONTHS ABOUT THAT FAVOR! Nothing
says that you didn't really mean it more than when you make it
seem like there was a quota that's been met. Believe me, wives
do little things all the time thinking, "this (fill in the
blank) will make things a little nicer for him." I know it's
hard to be a mind-reader - but ask sincerely and lovingly. And
try to be "situationally aware" - don't offer in the
middle of a crisis or when you can't come through. She may take
a day or two to mull it over. Sometimes just the offer is enough.
Guys should know how teams operate - how about treating your wife
like a team member rather than the opponent? Saying "I did
it because I thought it would make you smile" is lovely."
(Penelope, age 36, twice married, now single) |
|
"Gifts simply say "I love you," without much ado.
Guys should use them more often, especially if talking about feelings
is too hard. Be proactive and she won't feel like pinning you
down for a statement of love. A card sent to her office. A flower
placed on her pillow. A note on her mirror like "You're cute."
All say: "You are valuable to me." Expensive gifts on
an anniversary are only for show if they are not reinforced by
actions and little momentos the rest of the time." (Kurt,
49, married 26 years) |
|
"I had a college roommate whose widowed mother described
her secret to marital success: "Each night, no matter what,
we kissed and told the other `I love you.'" I thought that
was great advice, so when I married I practiced that regularly
with my wife. Some nights I really didn't like her very much.
Somehow, though, saying "I love you" made me stop to
realize that whether I was upset with her or not, I still loved
her. Kissing her forced a show of affection that might easily
be put aside at times of discontent. But she didn't feel the same
way. When she was upset with me she wouldn't kiss me, or her kiss
would feel like a cold fish. I'd say I love her, no matter what--
but she wouldn't answer if we had had an argument that day. I
persisted because I felt it was worthwhile. My wife finally asked
me to stop the ritual, because it made her too uncomfortable.
I was really upset by that. It seemed that I had found a way to
put the hurt and anger aside daily. I had learned to acknowledge
something bigger than our most recent argument. But she wasn't
willing to do that work, and she didn't permit me to do the healing
work that I felt our relationship needed. That was five years
ago. We have fewer arguments these days. Occasionally I slip in
a kiss and a devotion. But I still miss the routine." (Wilson,
40, married 13 years) |
| "Though
I do it infrequently, I don't mind giving gifts for special occasions
like birthdays and anniversaries. When I give, I go way beyond
what's expected because I enjoy the giving. That being said, I
hate giving cards with a passion. My wife insists I do it despite
the fact that she knows that simply going into a card store gives
me the sweats. I've never found an appropriate card yet, and I'm
always concerned about which type to buy... mushy... humorous?
I'll be judged either way... and the card won't be a reflection
of my feelings; only a reflection of what I settled for. I can't
be the only guy who believes that card giving is a ridiculous
custom, dreamed up by companies like Hallmark and only beneficial
to them and the post office. I could ramble on forever about how
much card giving irritates me. It's almost as bad as Valentine's
flowers or chocolates that make every unattached person feel like
sh-t when they don't get them. How about those silly little pieces
of engagement glass that are so "rare" that there's
enough for every woman in the world to have one! Why is it that
women are so quick to insist that we support that kind of crap?
They know it's crap themselves. Yet I've learned that if I don't
go along with it there'll be hell to pay. Maybe I should work
on dreaming up another ridiculous custom that I can capitalize
on. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" (David, 44, married
17 years) |
|
"In
the early years of our marriage the gifts did seem very important.
They were tangible ways of seeing the love. As the years go
on, and we have each struggled to nurture and define our roles
in our relationship, the gifts have become less and less important.
The little gift of a touch, a smile, a word of encouragement
means much more than any gift you can buy. Anybody can buy me
a gift, but only my spouse can respond to me with a love that
grows deeper inside and then calls our marriage to a deeper
level inside each of us. I would not trade this for any gift
that could be bought. A hug and a smile during a crisis, or
after either of us is going through a rough
time just wants to make us respond to each other in a more loving
and caring way." (Ellie, 64, married 44 years)
|
| "I
completely disagree with your comments on gift-giving. Gifts can
and should be meaningful and sincere expressions of one's feelings."
(Guy, married 12 years) |
| "Stealing
away with your loved one and sharing quality time (and sex) will
be remembered and more meaningful than that Kay's Jeweler $500
tennis bracelet for Valentine's Day. Not to mention all the warmth
of red-velvet-heart-shaped-everything day will be lost when me
and the guys tag one on for St. Patty's a month later!" (Gary,
married 25 years) |
| "Valentines
day is just a stategic move on behalf of Hallmark and all other
card companys. Valentines day brings nothing to a relationship
that isn't already there all year long." (Russell, married
7 years) |
| My wife said,
"Guess what you bought me for Valentine's Day from QVC?"
(Al,married 47 years, second marriage) |
| "A
simple message in your own handwriting has as much power as a
book. I really think so. I left a sticky pad on my wife's mirror
before going on a business trip, 'I love you, your eyes were as
blue as crystals on the day I first met you, blah blah blah.'
Anyway, she loved it." (Antonio, age 25, married 3 years)
|
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| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
copyright
© 2000-2004 ScottHaltzman, MD
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