| "Support
your wife in her life's work and hobbies. Celebrate her individual
successes..." more... |
| "There
will always be conflicts as long as people are different..."
more...
|
| "Money
was our first big problem. We were married quite young..."
more... |
| "Just
Do It!" more... |
| "We've
been married over thirty years now. As with EVERY marriage, there
have been some rough spots..."
more... |
| "In
choosing a partner, men should get over their propensity to think
with their groins..." more... |
| "I
believe commitment is the crux of any successful marriage..."
more... |
| "Love
Conquers All--" more... |
| "Accepting
others for who they are has been the greatest discovery ever."
more... |
|
|
We gain
valuable lessons in life through experience. Yet most people
don't want to hear our advice. Suppose you had an opportunity
to pull a young groom aside and share your insights for creating
a happy marriage. What would those words of wisdom be?
Tell your secrets for maintaining a successful marriage.
|
|
|
Share your thoughts in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
| Never-Never--NEVER--got
to a bachelor party and a strip club before you're married. Don't
ever go period! Your bride will be broken hearted when she realizes
one day what you were actually exposed to. I am married twelve
years and only now did I realize what exactly goes on in strip
clubs and BS parties--It will make your wife sick, sexually and
emotionally insecure and she will lose all trust in you not only
with your relationship but sexually. This is not good! Enjoy the
women you marry and have a relationship and respect your relationship--if
you want variety don't get married and pretend you are a devoted
lover--you aren't. Don't waste someone else's love and life if
you aren't ready to commit. Your bride doesn't want a perverted
man to be her husband or father of her children. (Mary, age 39)
|
| I have learned
that by putting my wife first, she allows me to lead. She wants
me to lead our family because she knows she is loved and cared
for. This is also true for our love life. She is first. Every
time. Put your wife's enjoyment above your own and see what happens.
The most incredible feeling in the world is to bask in the love
of your wife. When it comes to a new car, she is first; if I break
down I am okay, if she does she is in danger. When it comes time
to decide on anything I want to know what my wife wants. If her
idea is not practical or good I try to share with her why I feel
differently. Put her first and see if you are allowed to lead
your house. Having a submissive wife is a privilege given not
a position earned. (Kyle, 27, married 4 years)
|
| unless those
things are about loving her unconditionally. They can be told
to you from a place of dislike or disrespect for someone else
but will possibly damage your relationship if you take it to heart.
My ex-husband listened to my grandmother the night before we were
married about how he should treat me and it ended up pushing me
into a nervous breakdown. He was told that he would have to beat
some bad tendencies out of me if I was going to be any kind of
wife for him. Although he never laid a hand on me physically,
he was emotionally and verbally abusive. He assumed that I was
just lazy when I was actually suffering from post-partum depression.
He never thought for one second that something was wrong with
me and pushed harder and harder till it ended our marriage. I
will be the first to tell you that my ex-husband is a good man
and a great father, he just took the wrong advice to heart. Always
listen to your heart and your mate, and no one else, to know how
to treat your bride. (Rebecca, 31, second marriage of 7 years)
|
| Very early
in our marriage we posted a piece of wisdom that has helped us
through good times and bad. It read, "Marriage is like running
a farm, you have to start all over every day." It takes work to
have a good marriage and lots of it! (Saul, 66, married 41 years)
|
| It's the
simple things that mean a lot in any relationship. When someone
sends you a surprise or simply says things like "I am proud of
you," "I appreciate you," or "I love you," these are the greatest
gifts in life. In my favorite movie, "Good Will Hunting," Will
does a very romantic thing. He makes sacrifices for his girlfriend,
Skylar, that allow them to spend a romantic afternoon exploring
Cambridge, Massachusetts. Married couples should remember these
gestures from their dating experiences. I am not married, but
if my husband did something as romantic as this, I would cherish
his love and thoughtfulness for the rest of my life. Be happy
that you can share your life with someone, many people spend their
lives without someone to truly love. (Kelsey, 25)
|
| Keep your
wife at the top of your list of priorities. That's my advice to
a new groom. No matter where you are, or what you're doing, or
who you're with, keep your wife at the front of your mind. Remember
to tell her that you love her. If I were to make recommendations
to a groom, I'd tell him to let her know that she matters, that
she makes a difference in his life. I'd tell him to get used to
the fact that his life is going to change, and that he'll have
to put her first, and she'll have to do the same for him. That's
a key-- looking out for each other's best interests--that unlocks
the door to a strong, lasting and very secure marriage. (Russ,
37, engaged; married twice before)
|
| I've been
married 38 years. You really have to like the person you live
with to stay together that long. It helps to be a romantic and
enjoy each other's company even if you are not great conversationalists.
|
| Look at
her - a lot. Let her "catch" you staring, glancing, etc. It shows
her you are noticing her doing normal everyday things - it makes
her feel special. She in turn will notice you. It's that simple.
Once you stop looking, she'll look around to see if anyone is
noticing her. And the first person that does could cause a potential
conflict in your marriage. All women want to feel special. If
a husband does not, will not or can not make his wife feel special,
she will fill that void elsewhere. (Sharon, married 7 years)
|
| Support
your wife in her life's work and hobbies. Celebrate her individual
successes. She then will support and celebrate yours. Help your
wife to become her own unique and powerful individual. She will
help you. Two heads are better than one. Listen to your wife;
mine is more often right about which direction to go than I am.
Don't make a big deal out of little stuff, save your "big deal"
reactions for the big stuff. Have fun together. Avoid jealousy.
Set her free and she will be there with you; she will be grateful
you are not controlling her. Your own freedom comes from being
together when you support her. (George, 44, second marriage of
14 years)
|
| There will
always be conflicts as long as people are different; different
by gender, by race, by ethnicity, etc. The only way to really
overcome these differences is to be committed to being the other
person's friend...no matter what happens in your respective lives.
If you're really going to see that other person for who they really
are, there will never, ever be a substitute for devoted friendship.
It is possible, but not likely, that individuals who have embarked
upon a long-term marital journey together know and love everything
about their partner. It is more likely, though, that once an individual
has had enough time to determine the charisma, resilience, and
an overall sense of the partner's happiness and their ability
to deal with adversity, they accept that person into their lives
as kin. It is much more difficult to approach a relationship from
romantic sex building into friendship, than from the starting
point of friendship leading to romance, sex, and family. The ability
to work through differences comes from two individuals in a relationship
deciding that they will be committed to being the best friends
that they can be, no matter what. This means being honest, talking
about what bugs you, talking about what makes you happy and doing
it on a regular basis. (Dave, 25, married one year)
|
| Accepting
others for who they are has been the greatest discovery ever.
I have a whole new platform for all my relationships. (Allen,
66, thrice married)
|
| Love Conquers
All -- At the end of the day, when the issues and problems seem
insurmountable, I remind myself why I married this woman and I
look at the love we share. If that ever goes, so do I! (Clarke,
52, married 30 years)
|
| I believe
commitment is the crux of any successful marriage. If you don't
put 100% in you can't get 100% out. And there's no such thing
as 50/50 when it comes to fulfilling a commitment of that magnitude...that
means each is only giving one-half. My lady friend and I have
been giving 95% for the last six years...we're still not married.
Wiser, but not married. We've got each other's families, friends
and life. But there's still that little 5% that's missing. I believe
we're on a long-term lease. I think we both silently concur it'll
happen when it happens...there's a catalyst out there that'll
make it gel. At our age and position, there's no need to push
the issue. Older couples haven't the urgency to commit that younger
couples do, and there's a reason. Building blocks. The foundations
we've separately built in the years before are of different design.
It takes a more skilled architect to design a common penthouse
for us to share. Youth has the flexibility to merge their foundations
into one unified design, and they need to commit to the upper
floors to assure the solidity of that foundation. That means using
the materials they've gathered to date, and that is the most important
thing they share. So a commitment encourages them to look ahead,
toward what they can achieve together with what they've brought
into the union. Expectations aren't cast into a cornerstone, they're
solid...tangible. Don't look at each other to change...look to
each other to give 100% of what you've brought to the drawing
board. (Mark, 49, divorced)
|
| In choosing
a partner, men should get over their propensity to think with
their groins and use the left sides of their brains to TALK (not
imagine) about whether the partnership is going to enhance the
joy we feel in our lives. (Kathy, divorced mother of two)
|
| We've been
married over thirty years now. As with EVERY marriage, there have
been some rough spots and some ups and downs. (If anyone married
more than 30 days does not admit to that, they're probably lying!)
Our relationship has survived and flourished because we cleared
away the biggest issues early on in our relationship: Take food,
for instance. We all have to eat and the traditional role of wife
as cook is fading fast. In our household, although my wife is
an excellent cook, she HATES it. So we eat out a lot or we eat
takeout food or pizza. When we do have a regular meal at home,
it often comes from someone else who prepared it. This is more
expensive than shopping and cooking yourself. But, since turning
over the household finances to my wife, it is no longer my problem
to balance the extra cost. The alternative is for me to take over,
or at least share, the food shopping and food preparation responsibilities.
Or, better yet, get one of your kids interested in the culinary
arts; you will eat better and have less 'discussions' if your
wife is not the only person responsible for preparing and putting
food on the table. When it comes to travel, my business requires
me to be away from home for about one week per month. My wife
claims this is also one of the contributors to our successful
marriage. I agree. It gives each of us the space to be alone and
with friends other than our shared friends. There can be some
problems when I come home because I've been eating in restaurants,
getting my laundry done at the hotel, etc. I have no family responsibilities
on the road, and when I come home, my wife has also been enjoying
relative freedom from having me there. So we have to work on adjusting
to each other again each time I get back from a trip. I also recommend
that you take your wife with you on trips occasionally so that
she sees what you do when away from home. My wife is also a big
asset when she joins in dinners and social occasions related to
work. And she gets a chance to exercise her shopping habit in
different venues! My wife and I like to take baths together. We
find this to be a relaxing way to discuss a variety of family
and non-family issues and topics. We have a medium sized tub that
we fill with lots of bubbles and have a glass of wine and soak
and talk for an hour or more. We've been doing this for many years.
It's also a good way to get away from the kids for a while. And,
most importantly, it lets us realign our interests and activities
so that we are moving down the same or parallel paths. We do this
to avoid the diverging paths that so often seem to cause couples
to lose interest in each other. (Clarke, 52, married 30 years)
|
| Just Do
It! - When my wife asks me to do something, almost ANYTHING, my
initial reaction used to be annoyance because I have lots of work
to do and lots of things to do around the house and lots of other
bullsh-t reasons why not. However, most of what she asks me to
do is actually quite reasonable, usually my responsibility, and
I probably will end up doing it anyway. So, now I've trained myself
to say "yes" or "no problem" as my initial response. This has
contributed to less arguing and a better relationship. (Clarke,
52, married 30 years)
|
| Money was
our first big problem. We were married quite young and had very
little income and virtually NO money for discretionary spending.
My wife was (and is) an active shopper and unwilling to curb that
expensive habit. After unsuccessfully trying to balance our meager
finances, I turned everything over to my wife and accepted a small
allowance to pay for gas and lunches. She then had to balance
the books including paying for her shopping habit. This worked
fairly well with the occasional need to bailout our finances with
a loan. We saved no money during those early years and, fortunately,
have not suffered because of that. To this day, my wife handles
the finances and only comes to me when the balance drops below
zero. That still causes problems, but they are only occasional
problems. Having taken money arguments out of our relationship
has removed what I believe is the single biggest and most contentious
issue in most modern marriages. Try it and make sure you give
it enough time to work, which usually means letting things get
bad before they get better. *Now for the secret: skim a little
money off every paycheck and put it in a separate account that
you don't tell your wife about. This will give you funds to: a)
bail out the financial problems your wife will surely get into
when she takes over the finances, b) buy her nice presents for
special occasions and for no occasion at all, and c) give you
a little extra kitty for your toys or bets or 'whatever'. (Clarke,
52, married 30 years)
|
| "One
of the other things that I've learned is to accept that we're
not going to be perfect soul mates when it comes to activities.
I would love to have a spouse who was interested in something
like going skiing in Europe, hiking, camping, playing tennis and
golf together. We used to ski together, but I was much better
and it was never really any fun for me. Now I've got the kids
skiing, and Barbara goes shopping instead. She didn't get out
on the slopes at all last year and probably won't this year. I'll
ski with the kids and friends. Last year I went with the kids
to Europe to visit my Aunt and we toured extensively, but Barbara
stayed home altogether. Fine. When we vacation, mostly she hangs
around the pool and naps and I run around on the excursions etc.
Club Med and Cancun have been great in that regard. I do as much
as I like and she does as little as she likes. But it took me
several years to just forget trying to get her to do these things.
Now I no longer care." (Brad, 43, married 20 years) |
|
"Advise
to the man on the verge of marriage:
1)
Have a cuddle everyday.
2) Make love slowly.
3) Slow eaters are usually good lovers.
4) Don't focus on yourselves too much -- remember to love your
neighbor, and attend to justice issues in your community."
|
| "To
be male and to express masculinity is to reflect the image of
God that is completed only by both genders. It is true that part
of the journey of marriage is that remarkable discovery of intimacy
with someone who experiences the world in an altogether different
way than you do. And the more you are willing to open yourself
to that "other experience," by talking, listening, observing
and yielding, the more connected and complete you will become,
and, ironically, the more male you will become. To be known completely
by your wife - known and accepted in a loving, trusting relationship-will
provide the very foundation you need to be fully a man. And that
is what your wife needs most of all - a mature man who knows and
accepts himself. It will be your best wedding present you can
give her, and it will get better each year." (Vernetta, married
26 years) |
"Let
God's definition of a man be your definition and goal as a married
man."
(Ron, 34, married 15 years) |
| "Continue
to behave as you did when you were courting. Be affectionate.
Be affirming. Be attentive." (Wilma, 47, married 23 years) |
| "You
must make a commitment to marriage as a new and separate entity.
Be faithful. If you have children, be part of rearing them."
(Bob, 58, married 32 years) |
| "Go
all the way in. Don't hold back part of yourself." (Clarence,
married 40 years) |
"These
few tips have worked for me. I have been married to the same beautiful
lady for 32 years. I have two brothers, who between them have
been married 6 times. So I have plenty of bad examples to learn
what not to do. But what do you do? Good question. My secrets
work for me, but I don't know if they will work for others.
First, you must get married for the right reasons. Not,
for example to get out of the house, for sex, to prove a point,
etc. There are many wrong reasons to get married. But the first
secret is to get married for the right reasons.
Second, find the right lady. That, to me is a person that
you can love and who can love you back, but also one you can talk
with, and be a friend with. In others words find a soul mate.
Third, remember that just because you have been smart or
lucky enough to get the first two right doesn't mean you will
have a long and happy marriage. This is something that requires
daily attention. You must care and feed your marriage. For sure
you will have ups and downs. The trick is how you handle them.
Remember that marriage is not a 50/50 relationship. Instead it
is that you always give your all - no separate checkbooks. And
always remember to forget your ego. The ego will get in the way
of a happy marriage every time.
Fourth, always remember that nothing stays the same. People
change. You must talk every day about what is good or bad -- get
it out! Never let a disagreement fester. It will not go away by
itself. You must talk it out.
Fifth, always remember that nobody is perfect. You will
make stupid mistakes. You will say stupid things. You will do
these things because you are human. The question is how will you
handle them. Don't hesitate to show your female side. Be compassionate,
understanding and loving. Be man enough to admit when you are
wrong. I'm sure I have missed several little special things that
my wife and I do for one another. But for the sake of brevity
and to summarize -- the secrets to a happy marriage are not really
secrets at all. Instead it is really very simple. It may sound
corny, but remember the golden rule 'Do unto others as you would
have them do unto you'." (Frank, age 57, married 32 years) |
| "When
you are watching TV and your wife wants to talk to you... TURN
OFF THAT F&%#ING THING AND TALK TO YOUR WIFE." (Tom,
married 6 years) |
| "You
are the "surfboard on the sea of marriage". You don’t
want the calm seas CRASHING all around you. Remember: "Roll
with the tide." It’s really simple. Always listen carefully.
Look at your wife’s body motions before you speak. And always
be aware of what you’re saying; you could always say too
much or too little." (Don, age 40, married 16yrs.)
|
| "Women
want you to listen and understand, not solve the problem. I’m
a married man of 14 years and a 'survivor' of many verbal battles
with the opposite sex. I never shared my survival techniques with
anyone. What I’ve learned, and believe me it did not come
easy, is that what you don’t say can be just as important
as what you do say. Simply put, when engaged in a disagreement,
listen closely with your ears (both ears) and eyes, (make good
eye contact) for at least two to five minutes before you speak.
This gives the impression of caring and concern and gives time
to think before you speak. Never make excuses or offer a solution
before she is done speaking. Also, never leave the room before
resolution is reached. I feel that if men could understand and
perfect the above techniques, they would be much happier in their
marriages." (Victor, age 38, married 14 years) |
[Top]
[Home] [Articles] [About
Dr. Haltzman] [Contact] [Order
the Book]
[Print
This Page] [Email
This Page]
| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
copyright
© 2000-2004 ScottHaltzman, MD
|
