| "Tranquillity
is a good goal in the long run, but do not expect it everyday..."
more... |
| "Usually
my husband lets me have the last word..." more...
|
| "My
wife said something hurtful the other night. Giving her the benefit
of the doubt I asked her what was the deal..."
more... |
|
|
A gem cannot
be polished without friction, nor people perfected without trials.
- Chinese Proverb
Think
back to the first dates with your wife -- the feelings of harmony,
serenity and bliss. Small disagreements didn't matter. Things
change.
While 50%
of American marriages end in divorce, the other 50% or marriages
are not problem-free.
|
 |
|
When conflicts
occur, emotions ignite. That's when communication is at its
worst. Studies show that 80% of the conflicts are raised by
the wife on household issues. Frequently, that puts the husband
in an awkward position. While not concerned about the problem,
he is asked to help resolve it. If the married man recognizes
the validity of his wife's concerns, then constructive work
can begin on the problem.
What happens if he doesn't agree with the problem from her viewpoint?
Many times, each spouse believes that his or her opinion is
right, and the other's is wrong. To the married man, his outlook
is logical, so he cannot support his wife's assertions. The
wife then feels betrayed and annoyed that her husband cannot
see her perspective. They retreat into their opposite corners,
frustrated. Both need closeness, but how do they approach each
other?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS. Are the consequences of not giving
in the same for husband and wife? How do you regain domestic
tranquility? Who stands to lose the most if the other doesn't
give in? How are arguments resolved in your household?
Relate your experiences in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
| "Logical?
How is this for logical? He "stonewalled," and I started bitching.
25 years ago, when my better half was convincing me to be the
mother of his children, he did not have any difficulty talking
about problems in the relationship. Twelve years ago, it took
a male marriage counselor to remind my husband of this fact. When
the stonewalling was curtailed, so was my bitching. And our marriage
is much better for it. Logically speaking, addressing issues before
they become problems is the ticket. Stonewalling is primarily
a husband tactic, not remotely logical, and it only compounds
problems. Take my word for it!" (Hannah, 43, married 25 years)
|
|
"The ability to work through differences comes from two individuals
in a relationship deciding that they will be committed to being
the best friends that they can be, no matter what. This means
being honest, talking about what bugs you, talking about what
makes you happy and doing it on a regular basis." (Dave,
25, married one year)
|
|
"Tranquillity is a good goal in the long run, but do not
expect it everyday if you care about yourself and your marriage.
When your wife catches you off guard with a complaint, ask two
questions about the issue to clarify it. Then give her your reasoned
opinion, not your immediate reaction. If she moves into a discussion
mode, go with her. If she goes into an argument, hold your ground
(self respect). If necessary raise your voice and throw out a
rehearsed line like; "Eh, we can do it my way, or we can
discuss it further when there is less heat and more light...end
of discussion for now, sweetheart." Go about your business
but do not leave the house. If you are wrong be humble, tell her
you did not look at it that way before and ask her again to tell
you her solution. Decide and move on. Say "I'm sorry"
only when you react like a shmuck to a problem, or when your actions
had a serious consequence on the situation. Forget the petty stuff
or she'll think you are simply kissing up with cheap apologies.
Tell her when she was right...before she is tempted to tell you
she told you so. Balance pride with humility--yours and hers.
(Kurt, 49, married 26 years) |
|
" Usually my husband lets me have the last word. But sometimes
I think he agrees with me just so he can have peace in the household.
It's like he's saying: "If I just go along and keep the peace,
then I can do what I want." (Sarah, 48, married 21 years)
|
" My wife said something hurtful the other night. Giving
her the benefit of the doubt I asked her what was the deal. She
dug herself deeper by highlighting my faults. I had to go out,
but planned to come home and discuss it as I was hurt and steamed.
When I got home she was ready for me. I thought a good marital
heart-to-heart would clear the air. Two hours later we arrived
at the following conclusions:
1) She had actually not answered my question when she dug herself
deeper. She had a different and exculpatory answer, but didn't
offer it. Instead she had responded to my obvious hurt rather
than my equally obvious question. I gainfully pursued this, sure
as I was of a victory of logic over femininity. I was informed
that
2) OF COURSE I could ASK any question of her, and
3) OF COURSE I could expect an HONEST answer, but
4) the honest answer may not be to my question. This, I was informed,
was a difference of "communication styles." Being a
man of the post 90's (i.e. sensitive and practical), I decided
that I would not only buy this communication style business but
I would work to facilitate different styles in our lives. The
next morning at breakfast my wife asked me if I wanted an egg.
I did. But was there a different style I was not hearing? Upon
reflection I considered only two things. Either a) I was too stupid
to know what I could possibly want for breakfast, or b) I was
too incompetent to do anything other than open the egg and marvel
at the pretty yellow circle. Well (a) didn't bother me as lots
of people think that, but (b), that hurt. So in order to facilitate
the ongoing development of communication styles in our family
I answered her egg question with "f-ck you, bitch."
She stormed out of the room making a last scatological suggestion
for an adjustment in my diet. Where did I go wrong? (Tony, age
43, second marriage of 4 years) |
| "Issues
can be solved two ways: having a discussion with an outcome favoring
one side or the other, or deciding to let the other person have
it their way without making a big deal about it. I suspect that
many women feel that most discussed decisions go against them.
However, this point of view discounts the number of times that
men decide that "it's not that important" and let the
issue go without discussion. In
the end, if you can resolve an issue without a big fight who cares
who's in charge?" |
| "Many
married men have abandoned their leadership role within the family.
This is not to say that the wife has no voice. A marriage is a
partnership, the husband and wife may have valid but different
opinions concerning a matter, and those should be thoroughly discussed
before a decision is made. The final decision should fall to the
man." (Tom, married 6 years) |
| "My
wife and I like to just duke it out. We usually yell for a while
and then insult each other, and that is before we ever talk about
the real problem. But the best part is the way we resolve the
issue, with a little lovin' and a couple of laughs..." (Dave,
married 2 years) |
| "I've
always flattered myself that Bonnie and I have a good marriage
and that our friends see us that way. But frankly it takes a lot
of work. Bonnie is really stubborn at times, and I think that
our 20 years of longevity has been due to my willingness to say
give in when I perceive that she has drawn a line, even though
I don't agree with it at all. The classic example is that stupid
BMW X5 Wagon. It's was too expensive, but mostly too small as
is obvious every time we go on a trip with the car loaded down
with ski boots and coolers and luggage. But if I had gone off
and just bought the minivan I wanted, I can honestly say that
I'm not sure she would have ever given up her resentment, and
would have made me miserable. So instead, I eat crow and harbor
my resentment every time I'm packing the stupid SUV for a ski
trip. It was a no win for me but I had to pick the lesser of two
evils, so she can drive around in a BMW. I still find it almost
unbelievable that she was willing to jeopardize our marriage over
this, but then again if I had stood firm, so would have I. The
difference is that I broke and she didn't. Deep down she must
have known that she would get her vehicle and have her marriage
too. Which I guess means that I'm pussy whipped." (Dustin,
age 48) |
| "Most
men never learn to accept, and I personally had difficulty with
this one. How I finally learned to just give in was to ask myself
the question: 'Is it worth the fight?' Many times it is not. Be
ready to admit that you are wrong even if you feel you may be
right. I avoid the popular male phrases 'you don’t understand,'
'I don’t agree,' 'You’re being overly sensitive,' etc. This will
just put you in a deeper hole." (Victor, age 38, married
14 years) |
| "What's
the difference between knowing when to walk away and capitulating?
How about between walking away and refusing to engage in a meaningful
interaction about the true nature of one's relationship? Why do
we feel, as husbands, that we are doing the smart thing and helping
our relationships, while our wives feel that we're just avoidant
and disconnected?" (Nick, age 42, married 11 years) |
| "I 'compromise'
by giving in because it matters more to my wife than it does to
me. And so, when it does matter to me, we do tend to be about
50:50. That makes it about 87:12 overall (OK, we're still working
on a few issues). I see the 87; she sees the 50. She's wrong,
but I'm willing to compromise on that if challenged." (Nick,
age 42, married 11 years) |
| "I think
we make a contract, and it includes letting the person to whom
things matter more make the decisions. We live in the suburbs
because I wasn't willing to live on our city's East Side, and
she wasn't willing to live on an Indian reservation in Southeastern
Montana ("only 90 miles from Sheridan!"). So I'm not sure it's
as simple as men giving in. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure
things don't matter as much to me as they do to my wife. Except
work. Which I do too much of for her sake." (Sid, Married
14 years) |
| "You
discuss compromise, but what seems left out of the discussion
is what two people have in common. At least ideally one would
hope that where we go on vacation, whether to have children, what
town we live in, would more often than not be easily agreed upon;
or that true compromise solutions in-between could be reached.
When compromise seems to be defined as one person or the other
getting their way, I think this may be more a function of there
being no middle ground for the two people, perhaps because they
have little in common to begin with. Is compromising in this way,
where one person gets it their way most of the time, a successful
marriage?" (Russ, age 43, married 20 years) |
[Top]
[Home] [Articles] [About
Dr. Haltzman] [Contact] [Order
the Book]
[Print
This Page] [Email
This Page]
| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
copyright
© 2000-2004 ScottHaltzman, MD
|
