First time poster, but have been lurking for a while. Lots of good advice on here…hopefully I can get some feedback on my situation.
I’ve been married about 12 years to what I would call a “good woman” and mother. There was never any hot and heavy romance for us, we just accidentally met, and started hanging out with mutual friends. She had 2 daughters from a previous marriage, and I thought it was cool to be a father-figure to these 3 and 4 yr old girls. We got along good I suppose and I was spending a lot of time at her place, since she cooked good meals and it felt like a home to come home to.
We never had any hot and heavy romance, and in fact, never really dated or courted. I tried to end our relationship after a while, and she pursued me aggressively, and I remember one night when I didn’t want her company, and pretended I wasn’t home, she sobbed outside my house, and cried and cried about how she loved me so, and I relented, let her in and let the relationship go on, because she obviously loved me greatly, and I never had a woman cry over me before (that I knew of). After a while, one or the other of us suggested we move in together, since I was basically living with her but still paying for my place. This we did, and rented a home together, and life was pretty good. Still…no heavy romance, we just co-existed peacefully, and occasionally had a shag. Then, either out of a feeling that we should be married, since we were living like a family, or an idea that I owed it to her, I proposed. We had a simple but nice ceremony and reception at the house. She was and is the kindest, best-hearted person I’ve ever known, and although I don’t believe I was really “IN LOVE” with her at the time (I know, I know, what was I thinking) I thought she was good for me, and that my love for her would grow. 13 years later, and we’re still together, through some ups and downs as most, but it has been mostly pleasant. 9 years ago we had a child together, so now we have three.
Over the years, we rarely fight, it just seems that neither of us is passionate enough about anything enough to get angry about something. One of us or the other just usually gives in or compromises and we’re usually peaceful.
“A Peaceful Coexistence”…and that is a big part of the problem, it’s just a coexistence. Sometimes I’d love to have a good fight, but she won’t fight, she will only clam up and refuse to talk/argue about it.
In 2003, we almost split after I came back from being gone on business for 2 ½ months and having this “awakening” of sorts where I told myself that I was so much happier on my own. I worked myself up mentally about it to the point that when I got home I was cordial but cold with her, and when she confronted me, I spilled the beans that I believed we got married for the wrong reasons, and ours was a marriage of convenience. I hurt her greatly, and after I saw what I’d done to her, I felt so bad, I tried to take it all back, and I truly felt I’d made a horrible mistake. (This hurt her greatly, and has come up many times in conversation between us, how much I hurt her).
I did it again a few years later, again after being gone on business for a month. I didn’t intentionally do it this time, she could just tell when she picked me up at the airport that it wasn’t a “I missed you like crazy” greeting, more like she was just picking a buddy up at the airport. I couldn’t help it, we hugged, and it was simply awkward feeling, I think for both of us. I didn’t do it on purpose, but she sensed it and told me that she’d told herself if I ever came home again like I did the last time, that she’d made up her mind it was over for good. I begged, pleaded with her to convince her that I love her (I do, of course) don’t know what’s wrong with me etc… and we stayed together.
Several years later..we’re having problems again. She is distant and if not cold, just emotionless around the house with me, and when I ask her what’s wrong, she says “I’m tired, I don’t want to talk about it, we’ve had this discussion so many times and never get anywhere etc…” When I get angry and pin her in a corner about it, it goes back to her assumption (which I put in her head years earlier) that we married for convenience and were more like roommates, friends etc than a husband and wife. Women never forget!
During the last year or so, I noticed some changes in her, her wearing some sexier nightclothes to bed etc...and I could tell she was making an effort. I responded, tried to compliment her regularly and we had some pretty good sexual encounters (just doing the duty once a month or so was the norm for years), and for a month or two, it seemed like she was insatiable, and to be honest, she wanted it just about everyday, and I was actually getting tired of it a bit. I have to keep in mind though, that she usually seems unsatisfied in the end, and complains that I’m either too quick (if I’m really into it and don’t last long) or too long (if I’m not really into it and take a while to finish. She is so damn hard to please! Frankly the sex between us is usually infrequent and not spectacular, and getting our schedules in sync with kids etc.. is often not easy. One is tired and the other in the mood or vice versa. Shortly after the period above, we fell into the same routine again.
Another thing that bothers me is that I usually have to initiate all affection. I’m the one who takes the effort to kiss her goodbye in the morning and tell her I love her (all the time). I often don’t get a reply when I say it, or it’s an abbreviated “luv you”, kind of like a mandatory response. I’m the one who makes the move to kiss her goodnight, and roll over to her side of the bed and hold her etc.. Every great once in a while, she’ll roll across the king size bed to my side in the morning or at night, but it’s very rare. I can’t remember the last time she ever looked into my eyes and said she loves me like she really means it, the only time I hear it is a sympathetic response to my statement. I compliment her and tell her she’s beautiful all the time (several times a day, and I mean it), but she won’t ever accept the compliment, she’ll say something like “whatever, yeah-right, I don’t know why you say that when I’m so fat” (all 120 lbs of her) as if I’m lying or something.
I’m away on business again (no, it’s not routine for me, only about once a year) and have been gone for 2 weeks. I have tried so hard to stay in close, emotional touch with her, calling her every morning and at least once every evening. She seems short with me and doesn’t seem to want to talk, though she is cordial, alluding to being busy, stressed or tired. I close every conversation with an “I love you” and maybe 50% of the time I get a mandatory-style-response “Luv you”..and sometimes just a “bye”.
I think I would fall over dead out of shock if unprompted she just said: “I just want to tell you that I love you”.
I will be the first one to admit that I hurt her emotionally several times, and know what a dumbass I was to do it. I OWN IT! I’ve apologized to her, sometimes in tears because I felt so bad about it. I do love her, not in a lustful sort of way, but in a way that I can’t imagine her not being in my life, or imagine her living a life without me. Or imagine tearing our family apart and not spending the night in the house with my little one every night.
All that said, I really think we’re nearing the end of our marriage, and although I think it would be the right thing to do, I’m scared, sad and sorry that this marriage does seem to have been a marriage of convenience, and not a great one and I wasted so many years of her life. I’m worried about her, and feel bad that the she won’t be able to have the lifestyle we have together (and neither will I, but I don’t care about myself) You know, we have it all, the big house, on a big piece of land, nice vehicles, the picture-perfect American Dream on the outside, and shell of a marriage on the inside.
Talking to other divorcees (maybe not the best people to be talking to) they have hauntingly similar experiences to mine, and all claim that both they, their ex’s and the kids are even better off for it. I honestly don’t know how much of this to believe.
Divorce is something I thought I’d never do, and always thought it was for weak people. I’m embarrassed about the possibility of it, sad about the members of her family I’ve become close with and of my own family who will be so disappointed in me. And, saddest of all if this goes where I think it is going to have to tell my little daughter that mommy and daddy aren’t going to live together anymore.
If you hung out this long, listening to my boring, sad and pitiful story, I apologize for the length, but had a lot of details to put in the story.
This is what I think:
I never should have asked her to marry me if I wasn’t in love with her, even though my love for her in general has grown. I’ve hurt her way too many times and although I believe she was once in love with me, she has lost that love. She has emotionally checked out of the marriage and taken a defensive posture to keep from getting hurt again. In all probability, no matter what I do, I can’t ever take back the hurt I’ve inflicted upon her, and I probably can’t turn this around, no matter what I try.
I’d like your advice.
Is it time to move on and hopefully let her get on with her life and find someone who can give her what she needs?
Or, should I pull out all stops and try every trick in the playbook to make this work, for the sake of the kids, and/or because I owe it her for sticking by me all this time?
Counseling?, Therapy?, Trial Separation?, any other ideas?