my wife hates me.

my wife hates me.

Postby troubbles » Fri Jul 26, 2013 4:34 pm

I have known my wife for 15 years and married fir 11 years. For the past 2 years my wife said she is removed from the relationship.
Recently now she has been telling me she doesnt want to be with me. Im in love with her but she has been telling me hurtful things
Which she says is her true feeling. She told me that i trapped her in this marriage wehave three beautiful kids.
She said since the last child i would like to know the things she had to do come and lay in the bed with me and have relations.
She said that for the pass 2 years she said i have been invading her physically. I have never force myself onto my wife
I love my wife with all my heart she says i have never told her i loved her i never hold her hand i have never shown her any emotions or affection. When ever i sould hold my wifes had or put my hand around her shoulder she would complain trust me i did it and she complained. When i would tell her she is beautiful or i love her her answer would be what do you want. She wouldnt accept my compliments she only remember any arguements we ever had if I ever said anything to here that she didnt like in dhe brings it up and throws it in my face. I do majority of cooking, cleaning and running around with the kids and i also work as she does also i work at night when i get home in the morning i wake kids up and get them ready for school and take them to school even if she is home. Now she is parting every weekend because her co workers that is her age at her job they go out ever and party. There is alot more but cant write everthing down. Please help me to save my marriage.
troubbles
 
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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jul 27, 2013 12:20 pm

How are your listening skills?

Are you mentioning that you disagree with your wife's complaints, or are you letting her complain, without agreeing, but without contradicting her?

Two chapters of the Husband's Secrets book are on listening. See a thread under Communications, "Listening Strategies for Men"


When your wife is hurtful, how do you handle it? Look under "Communication" for the thread, "My Wife is Hyper Critical, Please help"

Sorry you are having problems.

I see hope because she is still talking to you. Can you listen 15 minutes per day?



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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jul 27, 2013 1:17 pm

Maybe you are doing too much parenting for your wife. Have you taken any parenting courses? Watched any videos?

What are your wife's priorities for the children? Are you undercutting your wife's attempt to build personal responsibility for your children?

Maybe you are not asking for what you want, in an effective manner. Look at a thread under TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF, entitled, "Asking for Wife's Praise."

Have you offered to go to counseling? By yourself?

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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby troubbles » Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:49 am

I have sat there and listened to everthing she said without interupting. I have somtimes interupted and try to defend myself at the end i apologize for even things I might not have done. She told me that my mother was lying when she told her she saw me doing something. I am at my wits end and just want to fix this I am ready to see a psychiatrist thinking I am just a wicked S.O.B. I am willing to go all out to save my marriage. So I live in new york my first time down this road please tell me what to do I cant do it by myself plus I'm getting beaten down so mentally I need some help to start repairing damage. Thanking you in advance.
troubbles
 
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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:19 pm

There is a thread, "Compliments for Wives" under Communication, 2/3 down the first page.

I suspect that if you feel your wife hates you, that it is challenging for you to give her compliments. Still, might be worth reviewing some compliments, just in case there is an opening for you to give an accurate compliment. Maybe, "The kids adore you"



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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Jul 29, 2013 5:27 pm

I suggest that you not give too much concern to the subjects and ideas that your wife expresses to you. Remember that the main purpose of getting your wife to talk, is to get her to vent. So the meaning of the words with which she is venting, is often of little importance or relevance.

Is this an important issue, that your mother lied to your wife? Of is this a means of your wife expressing her frustration with her mother-in-law?

If your wife will talk to you for 15 minutes per day, then you have something to work with.

Tell me more about the children. How can you get your wife to take more responsibility for the children?

How have you asked your wife for praise and recognition? When do you ask?


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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby troubbles » Tue Jul 30, 2013 2:55 am

She loves the kids. Although she told me I trapped her with the last too. How I did that I don't even know. My wife beleives that I only married her because of what she went to school for. When we got married she was just finishing school and I was still going to school and working. I love my wife I do not express my feeling very much I admit but now she told me she has no feelings for me. If anything happens I am always there or she calls me and I come running to help.
troubbles
 
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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Aug 01, 2013 4:32 am

What changes have you made in your approach to sex, based upon your wife's complaints about the conception of your third child?
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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:12 pm

What are possible differences on ideas for family planning?

The primary goal in listening, is to get your wife to talk about things that seem pertinent to her. It is a secondary goal to learn about how you might please her more. So if you are trying understand what your wife is saying, you are probably diminishing your primary objective, of encouraging her to talk more. When your wife talks to you, do you ask her detailed questions? Just keep your questions general, so you wife has full control of what ideas she wishes to express.

You mention that your wife has many ideas to criticize you. That is sad in a way, but actually a blessing, that you are successful in getting your wife to talk about things that interest her.



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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby troubbles » Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:42 am

We spoke yesterday for about 30 -45 min and she told me she has no trust she only love her kids mother and little brother. She also told me about what a co-worker said about been physically abused by her ex-husband and wishing she didn't know know what she knows because she would still be married. I found that very sad i love my wife with all my heart i just don't know how to let her know how much i love her. I told her but it is like she doesnt want me to say it to her. I jusy cant get it right she complained about how i proposed to her. Nothing i have done apparently since we ever met was correct. I could not do any of the things any of her old boyfruends could didnt have there money. I tried my best i really tried, and i was giing to sell drygs or rob to impress so with what little i worked i did as much as i could. I sat listen spoke accepted there isnt another woman that i have in the wings, so when she says certain things it hits hard. So itmakes me beleive certain things. Today befire I left for work I told her I loved her and good night. I ambjust goingbto tell her what i feel and let it happen she chased me she says so why shouldnt i do the same. Awaiting your answer.
troubbles
 
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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Aug 02, 2013 3:36 am

Give me an example of a complaint from your wife, and give me a Boring baroque Response.

Complaint: You are not sensitive to my needs.

Boring Baroque Response: I can try to be more sensitive to your needs, and I can try to keep your ideas more in mind, and try to avoid offending you in some way or another, and I can try to show my love in constructive means, and find ways to express my love that are meaningful for you, etc, etc.


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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Aug 02, 2013 6:00 pm

The Boring Baroque Response is valuable because it provides a means of commanding respect, without giving a reward for your wife for bad mouthing you.

What unintentional rewards are your providing to your wife for her putting you down?

Your tone of posting here is frustrated, exacerbated and upset.

If you are allowing your feelings of consternation to show in response to your wife's criticisms, you may be unintentionally rewarding her verbal abuse.

Suzette Elgin explains how consternation serves as a reward to verbal abusers, especially in her book, YOU CAN'T SAY THA TO ME. The Verbal abuse thread is referenced above.

So I suggest your first step is to identify your rewards for her verbal abuse.

Let me congratulate you on getting her to talk about her frustrations for 30 Minutes. That's Great.

Now, let us think about how you might introduce JOY into your marriage.

You have not revealed much about sex, but just because you are fighting, does not ben there cannot be great sex.

But Aviance and atmosphere can be developed more superficially. How about after you do some tasks around the house, you mention to your wife, I washed the dishes, and helped the kids with their homework, and took out the trash, how about a kiss on the cheek?

So what if you get rejected the first ten times? If done with Joy, it creates Love in the house.


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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Aug 03, 2013 7:54 am

You raised the question of how to show your wife that you lover her.

Listening to your wife express all types of her ideas, encouraging her venting, 15 minutes per day, is one way to show love.

Another way to show love, is to coordinate on family planning.

Another way to show love is to listen for easy requests for assistance with the children, or around the house, and doing the easy things she asks, with minimal delays.


Women are more interested in Love displayed in reliable little things, rather than dramatic actions.

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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby troubbles » Tue Aug 06, 2013 4:29 am

When it comes to cooking and cleaning i have been doing that for all this time. For helping the kids from buying clothesto home work playing i do it. My wife told me she would rather be with a homeless man than me. Any person on the street rather than me. She wants to be co-parents live in the same house for kids but she want to party date or do whatever and i must sit here be happy for be friends and dhe doesn't really want to have any marital relationship with me. Yesterday she asked me if i could continue the same way next year i told her no. She believe i am not her friend. I'm inlove with her i will always be her friend not because of the kids just because i love her. But i want to be her husband not a roommate i would feel hurt watching her date or whatever sitting back hoping and waiting and then logic tell that one day she will want a relationship then where will i be left in everything her answer she doesn't care what i do. So we spoke about divorce til that got into an arguement.
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Re: my wife hates me.

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Aug 10, 2013 9:17 am

Any ways to try to avoid arguing with your wife?

What can you try next time you feel upset, hurt or angry?


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