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[Kris]

I have been married 5 years and I told myself that I was never getting divorced. I grew up in a loving home with a close family. My wife grew up without a mother and lived with the very wicked step mother. I consider myself a good looking man, modest, charming, and social. My wife hates leaving the house, hates me and finally told me that she does. I have never done a thing to her except try and be her other half but she wants to do everything herself. When we got married our relationship was good. Once she was pregnant she changed. No affection, nothing. After the baby was born, she didn't even sleep in the same room as me for over a year, no sex, no kissing, nothing. I made us go to counciling but she stopped going and things gradually got better. Now it is 3 years later and she just had our second child and it all started over again. She won't talk to me, no affection, won't even stay in the same room as me. I have done everything I can think of for her, but even if I do something really nice - I see a smirk like she wants to be happy and then she flips 180 and gets even more distant from me. A couple days ago I finally ask her if she wants a devorce and she would not answer me. I found an email to one of her friends and it basiclly stated that she would leave me but could not afford it, so she is just pretending to care about me but actually wished I would die. She doesn't work, just takes care of 2 beautiful girls and is wonderful to them. I have a good job, and we have a new home. Everything that she has ask me for she has gotten. I really can't take this any longer. What am I doing wrong?

[elizacol]

It very well may be that you are doing nothing wrong. If you've reflected upon your behavior, and your wife cannot tell you any one thing you are doing wrong, other than, "I hate you", then the problem lies within her.

It sounds like a very difficult situation.

You should at least ask her if you've done anything wrong and/or what you could do better. Honestly, it sounds like she has issues. Was post-partum depression ever diagnosed? I don't have much experience with it, but...

As well, it could be issues stemming from her childhood. I know with my H, his childhood greatly impacted his adulthood.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It doesn't sound fun at all!
_________________
When the last speck of fairy dust is gone,
and you are married to exactly the person you married,
and not any fantasy of your own,
you find out whether you have what it takes
to make it through
a few more decades together.

[ThunderHorse]

Maybe you are solving too many problems for her.

Maybe give her some distance.

Maybe she can feel better about herself, by knowing she is tormenting your good nature.

Intamcy can be managed in stages of arousal.

You are mixing marriage and intimacy. Sometimes that does not work. If she is taking care of the kids and the house, that is an important aspect of marriage.

If you are not gettign sex in your marriage, then that is a separate strategy.

Your wife sounds co-dependent. You need to manage her trips on you.

Hating you, wanting you to die, and only living with you because she is too lazy to get a job, all sound like childish games.

TA, is Transactional analysis. The idea is to find an adult response to her childish moves. Avoid assuming the Parent Role or the Child role. Your wife sounds so challenging, that you may need a counselor or two for yourself, just to be able to keep your own sanity, in that marriage.

I startled my wife last night, but I was trying to let her know I was coming into the room. My wife bumped a table, when I surprised her, and a candle holder got broken. My wife went off on me, in much the manner you descrirbe, perhaps Parent, Perhaps Child, but not Adult Equal.

So I gave her some space, and aproached her a few times in the evening, but backed off after not too long, each time.


So re-approach, and back off.

You sound disappointed that you have to back off too often. Maybe make your timing and approach more effective. When is your wife most approachable? How can you change yourself to approach a her most receptive moments.


..

[ThunderHorse]