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lumpi_1986 · Joined: 18 Jul 2010 Posts: 4

This is my first post, so I am a little nervous.

I am recently married, only 7 months.... and I met my wife in the military, so of course she has a better relationship with other men... But I am currently deployed overseas, and I have access to our phone records, and I seen that she had been constantly texting this guy constantly throughout the day, and into the wee hours of the night. Even if we were texting at the same time about sexual things, she would still be texting him between us... I contacted the guy and told him that I am not accusing him and her of anything, but I wanted to inform him that just because me and my wife are currently not around each other, and we may be having fights... we are working on our differences and anyone who comes between me and my family are not going to be happy.

He wrote me back saying that they went to school together, and that they had always been friends that could talk to each other... (which she had told me previously). He said he is not the kind of guy to get between a relationship.

I brought it up to her father (where she is currently staying till i get back) and he told me to leave her alone, and stop putting ideas in her head or she will go cheat just because I am blaming her for it.

So I guess my questions are these:

Is it wrong that I am still uncertain of this guy, and his intentions with my wife?

And how can I get past being "THE BAD GUY" because her family is going to choose her side over mine, and make me look like I'm overly insecure?

Scott Haltzman · Joined: 21 Jan 2006 Posts: 123 Location: Barrington, RI

Hi Lumpi,

Most affairs don't start out because people look to cheat, they begin because of developing a sense of closeness. Whenever two individuals for whom a potential attraction may exist spend time with each other sharing intimacies (and you can rest assured that a 2AM discussion is not about whether LeBron James was justified in changing teams) the people involved walk a thin line, that often ends up in infidelity.

My wife taught me early on not to continue to maintain contact with ex's. I didn't like the idea, but she was right. I my case, it wasn't because I would cheat, but it was because the possibility was too disconcerting for her, and in order to give her piece of mind I needed to take a step back.

See my article: http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=306

NB Contributions by Scott Haltzman are meant to foster discussion, and aren't intended to provide advice or medical information.

lumpi_1986 · Joined: 18 Jul 2010 Posts: 4

So after reading your message and your article Dr. Haltzman, I called my wife and tried to express my feelings about this, and some other emotional issues i have been having lately. And for the whole hour of my call, I believe she maybe two things, I dont know what to say...

I feel like when I bring up an issue, with her, she wants to shut down, like its role-reveresed, I'm used to the idea that the women were emotional, and crying, and trying to get their husbands to talk, whereas that was everything I did on the phone for an hour, I took a week of bottled up emotions and threw them at her all at once... I told her I had thought about leaving her until I started reading your book, (that i still dont know how I found it, i think god was telling me something) I told her how I was annoyed that I felt like everyone was against me, and that I was concerened about her late night conversations with Brian. and the only thing she did was sit and listen... Now in person that would be fine, but over the phone when I cannot see her facial expressions, I need some type of chatter from her end to know how she is reacting to my release... I believe I may have just ended our marriage by telling her I had these feelings about leaving her.

Should a man hold back his thought even though he may inadvertently blame her for the thoughts?

Scott Haltzman · Joined: 21 Jan 2006 Posts: 123 Location: Barrington, RI

Expressing feelings, so long as they're not hurtful to your mate (such as: "I feel you're a jerk") usually can't hurt. But, sometimes when women are unhappy in a relatinship, stating that you need love and affection feels like an additional burden to them, and they can get resentful.

The ironic, and frustrating, thing, is that "Mr. 2 AM" doesn't ever express feelings of upset or frustration toward her, so, if she is comparing (and who wouldn't?) he appears the "better" candidate for her affection.

At this point, all one can do is take a breath, make a brief call saying "Thank you for listening to me yesterday, I really appreciate it," and make nothing that appears to be a request or complaint during that conversation.

Keep being the best choice for her; at some point, at least, she'll have to trust you when you ask her to curtail contacts with her friend. But if you ask it of her now, she may view you as trying to "control" her. That's not good for you.

Keep reading "The Secrets of Happily Married Men," I hope it helps!

NB Contributions by Scott Haltzman are meant to foster discussion, and aren't intended to provide advice or medical information.

lumpi_1986 · Joined: 18 Jul 2010 Posts: 4

Dr. Haltzman, do you have any ideas on how to keep a marriage strong when you are separated, or any good books on the subject, because, I tend to have the same problem when we are on the phone, I don't hear her feelings or emotions, I end up doing all the talking, and when I ask her to say something, she says "I don't know what to talk about" or "I don't have anything on my mind" I just want her to open up to me... Yes I know we argue and she may be scared to open up to me because she is scared that I may say something mean. But I tell her I will never be mad at her for her feelings, or opinions, its what I dont know that hurts me.

The whole "Mr. 2AM" aside, I would rather know my wife personally than let her slip through my fingers because I know nothing about her.

Granted we only co-habitated about two months before we married, so our knowledge of each other is very minimal...

ThunderHorse · Joined: 31 Jul 2006 Posts: 306

I would just add the concept of checking your listening skills/strategies, If your wife is talking to another man, more than you feel appropriate, you might look at your own listening and compliment giving patterns. This is a recent thread, with a number of references to past threads, that discuss listening skills, strategies and compliments.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=516

I try to keep my griping to a short phrase or two, like "I am feeling jeaoulous about your talking to so and so, and my jealousy is part of the love and devotion I have for you."

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